


Carry On

by foxycas121



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Accidental Mind Probing, Adult Content, Aliens, Alternate Universe, Child Death, Childhood Friends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Euthanasia, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Jim/Bones - Freeform, M/M, Mentions of alcoholism, Mentions of attempted suicide, Minor Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Post Trek 09, Star Trek - Freeform, There are happy moments, Wordcount: Over 50.000, ignoring STID, star trek big bang 2013
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-20
Updated: 2013-11-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 04:01:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 50,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1052285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxycas121/pseuds/foxycas121
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tarsus IV - Warzone AU. Leonard McCoy's past gets exposed to the entire Bridge Crew, and he has to deal with the consequences. Deeply repressed memories resurface and questions are asked. Leonard realises that his best friend, Jim Kirk is a bit too similar to his long lost childhood friend from Tarsus IV, Jamie. What happened to Jamie's brother, Sammy? Everything Leonard has known changes, and it changes fast. No one knows whether it's for the better or worse. Eventual Jim/Bones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the STBB 2013. Oh my god. This is finished. I can finally post this.
> 
> First of all, I want to thank my amazing beta captainquirks. She is amazing, she went helped me so much. Honey, you're the best. I'll love you for the rest of eternity.
> 
> I want to thank my amazing artist and fanmixer.  
> Art:  
> http://loobeeinthesky.livejournal.com/189105.html  
> Fanmix: http://aaweth-edain.livejournal.com/27168.html
> 
> You guys are absolutely amazing and I'll love you forever (and ever). I'm astonished by your work, just wow. Mind blown. GO CHECK THEIR STUFF OUT NOW!
> 
> Also, I want to thank my friends from the Word War Chat on the Jim_Bones community on LiveJournal. Without the countless rounds and the endless support, I would never have been able to finish this fic. 
> 
> When I started writing this fic back in August, I wasn't planning for it to become 50K. I had planned a 20K fic and that was that. As you can see, this wasn't the case. Oh wow, just my first 'real' fic, and it's so long. I'll just stop talking now, and let you read this fic.
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you like it!

Images flashed through Leonard's mind, they were... familiar. Memories, he realised; memories forgotten over time. 

_Leonard was playing with a toy medical kit. It had been a present from Uncle Bobby._  
The six year old boy wasn't alone; he was playing with a red-haired girl. She was one year older than him. Denise. That was her name. The two of them played games all the time, since there weren't many other kids of their age in this area.  
The little boy loved the endless fields, but he would feel alone. He would feel all alone on this terrifying planet. Of course, he wasn't alone. Leonard had his parents, after all, but he would have liked to have some more friends near his home. 

_Everything blurred and moved forward._

_The fields of Georgia, Leonard was pursuing his dog. The blood was pounding in his ears, a small layer of sweat was covering his skin, and he was panting as if he had been running a marathon. Nothing mattered in this moment. Leonard didn't care that his mother would be furious with him, when he returned. He wasn't allowed to take Rex with him, but this was worth it. The air was cool, it was rather windy that day._

_The dog easily outran the six year old boy._

_'Run, Rex,' Smiling brightly, the two of them ran until Leonard was out of breath. He was happy. The boy was careless, and he could take on the world at that moment._

_Blur._

_A wet smack. "Ew" Was the only thing that sprung to his mind. Why did old people like this so much? Leonard had seen his parents kiss countless times. The boy had always wondered what the appeal of it was._

_Leonard had confided in Denise. Now, eleven years old, he had asked her what it was like. The red-haired girl had leaned forward and kissed him, on the lips.  
No, he would never do this again. Leonard shuddered at the thought of repeating that experience. Girls were icky. _

_Blur._  
  
Pain. Someone or something was forcing him to remember these things. 

'No, please stop it.' Leonard whimpered out loud. He wasn't certain whether had actually had said that out loud or not. It felt as if someone separated his mind and body from one another. Leonard wasn't aware of the things around them, since he was only able to see the memories. The energy was leaving his body, he become incredibly fatigued within mere seconds.

_Leonard was sitting in the canteen nursing a hot cup of coffee. The man was pondering. Could he do it? Could he fulfil his father's final wish? The man's suffering was increasing. There was no known cure of the disease. Leonard had ruined his entire life for this._

_He was clutching the hypospray, that contained a deadly poison, in his pocket. Anyone who'd come in contact with the substance would die instantly. There would be no pain, since the poison reacted too quickly for that._

_Just like his father had requested._

_No one in the McCoy family was aware of what David had asked his son to do. They didn't suspect anything. Perhaps that was for the better, they wouldn't be able to prevent this from happening. But this didn't stop Leonard from praying for someone to interrupt him, and stop him from the act he was about to commit._

_The man couldn't deny the last wish of his father; he had suffered for years. All things had to end at some point._

_The last couple of months Leonard had spent looking for a way to help his father, trying everything in his power to create a cure. He had created cures before, but this time he hadn't succeeded. The medical lab had become more of a home than his actual house._

_Occasionally, he would sleep over at the lab so that he could continue the next morning right away. Well, it hadn't been actual sleeping, just naps of two hours when he'd been too exhausted to keep his eyelids from dropping._

_He'd been aware that what he was doing wasn't healthy, but he couldn't get himself to rest. Sleeping was wasting time in Leonard's opinion, that was one of the reasons he seldom slept longer than five hours._

_Last week, he'd officially given up. The doctor had tried everything, but it was to no avail. No one would ever know what happened in the medical lab when he'd given up. No one would ever know that Leonard broke down and sobbed his heart out on the floor. He had been alone in there after all._

_The only thing that'd remained were the medical logs, so it could aid someone else's research for the cure in the far future._

_'Doctor McCoy, are you unwell?' Nurse Johnson asked. The woman scrutinized him. Leonard was startled out of his thoughts by her. She smiled sympathetically at him, while she obviously checked his vitals with her tricorder. Leonard nodded and attempted to smile, truth to be told, it looked more like a grimace than a smile._

_'I'm fine. I'm just thinking about... some stuff.' All of his colleagues were aware what "some stuff" meant. It was his father, David McCoy. The man had been admitted to the hospital five months ago, and his situation wasn't improving. Doctor McCoy's father was terminal.  
'Go home, Doctor. Spend some time with your daughter and wife. Get out of the hospital for a while. I know you don't have shift today,' Nurse Johnson said, and Leonard slowly nodded and got up from his seat._

_Suddenly, he became determined. He could do this. He would have to live with it for the rest of his life, but he couldn't deny his father's request.  
'Yeah, I'm going to say hi to my father, and then I'll go.' Leonard hurried away, leaving the bemused nurse on her own. _

_What would happen to him? Would he lose his medical degree? Leonard didn't want to think about the consequences. He could ruin his entire career over this. The thing he had worked so hard for. All of it would have been for nothing. It was possible that he would never be allowed to practice medicine ever again. But he was a good son. Leonard did what his father asked of him. Hopefully, people would understand his reasons._

_The halls were rather empty. It was early. The night shift had just finished their medicine routine, and most of them were cleaning the patients at the moment. Leonard made his way through the deserted corridors. The walk to his father's room was familiar. He walked around here every single day. The door of David's room was open. Leonard entered and closed the door behind him, and he ignored the way his heart was pounding in his chest. No one could stop him from doing this._

_David was awake. The old man smiled, his voice was hoarse 'Did you make a decision, son?' He sounded god damned hopeful. Leonard wanted to yell at his father. Tell him that he shouldn't give up; shouldn't force his own flesh and blood to murder him, but he remained silent. Leonard just stared at his father. The broken man was lying in the biobed. The heart monitor bleeped on an even rhythm._

_There wouldn't be a steady rhythm of his father's heart anymore in just a couple of minutes._

_'Are you sure about this, dad?' Leonard's voice was quiet. Standing straight, he had to stay strong for his own sake. Leonard ignored the way his hands were violently trembling._

_'Yes, Leonard. Please do it,' the man winced in pain, nonetheless he continued, 'I have letters for all of you, I keep them in my overnight bag, you know where. I have nothing left here but pain.' Leonard wanted to yell "what about us? Aren't you forgetting us?" but he didn't voice his thoughts. He never did._

_Always the perfect son._

_Leonard walked over to his father's bedside. He managed to steady his hands enough to be able to administer the poison. The old man uttered 'I love you, my son. I'm so proud of you. Thank you.' Leonard fought the tears that were threatening to spill. Slowly, Leonard reached into his pocket and retrieved the hypospray._

_'I-I love you, Dad.'_

_This was it, this was the moment Leonard became a murderer._

_He administered the poison in his father's body and watched the life slowly slip away from him. David McCoy passed away with a small smile on his face. Everything became chaos, nurses and doctors rushed into the room. They tried to revive David, but it was to no avail._

_David McCoy was dead, and Leonard Horatio McCoy, his only son, had murdered him._

_Leonard was dragged away from the room. They had questioned him for hours. Not once he had lied. Always told the truth. In the end, he had to return to medical school for one year, and they filed a report on his permanent record, but nearly everyone had understood his actions. He could say that he was lucky to get away with all of this. His career was the only thing that remained intact. The rest of his life had moved on and left him behind._

_Leonard never returned to the hospital. Occasionally he'd seen some of his old colleagues, but he'd never approached them._

_The McCoy family had never spoken to Leonard again. He hadn't been invited to the funeral either. Jocelyn had divorced him two weeks after David's death, and she had taken Joanna with her. Leonard only found peace when he thought back to his father. The man was in a better place because of him, this was his doing. This kept Leonard from going mad with grief and hatred for himself. It was the only anchor that had remained to keep him from drinking his sorrows._

_Two months later, the cure of the disease was discovered._

_David would have survived if Leonard hadn't killed him._

_Blur._  
  
'No, please stop it. Make it stop.' 

_Someone yelled, 'Len, run! They're here!'_

_Len was running whilst clutching a battered bag. He had never run like this before. His body wanted him to slow down, to rest. But he couldn't get caught, no matter what. Those were the rules of the mission.  
Jamie was counting on him. The image of his eight year old friend with his blue eyes filled with fear sprung to his mind. Jamie would act as if he wasn't terrified, but Len could see right through his act._

_The wind was as cold as ice. In contrast to Len, his blood was hot and alive._

_It felt like he was flying through the fields and the forests. His feet were leading him. The boy didn't have a clue where he was going. He just had to get away from them. Fear and instinct led him. However, Len was aware that he would have to get back to the meeting point later. He hoped he wouldn't get lost on his way back. No, he didn't want to repeat that experience._

_The fields of Tarsus IV flew past him. These fields used to be filled with corn and grain, now; these fields once so alive were filled with disease, death and rot. Much like the civilization that resided here._

_The faces of the people were hollow and empty. It was nearly impossible to miss the signs of starvation. Everyone had started to lose hope when people had started disappearing. No one voiced their suspicions, so everyone kept quiet about it. They were too afraid that perhaps, one day they would disappear too. The fourteen year old Len tried to help them, tried to treat them with the stolen medicines. But he was only a boy after all._

_Len hated the adults, because they had given up._

_Why would they ever want to give up?_

_After what felt like hours to Len, he had managed to shake them off. He was safe. Len let his body fall to the ground. Adrenaline was still rushing through his veins, body still shaking and heart hammering in his chest. No, he told himself, he was never safe in this place. He had to get out of here, get to the meeting point, and then he could rest._

_Slowly, Len started to get up, even though his body felt incredibly heavy. His muscles were luckily still used to running, and he moved automatically. Still wary, Len carefully started to make his way toward the meeting spot. The Leves tree behind the small creek. Len realised that it wasn't that far. It was only a ten minute walk._

_What had gone wrong? Were Jamie and Sammy all right? Had someone finally cracked and betrayed them? The questions raced through his mind. When things like this happened Len realised how dangerous his life was. What they were doing._

_He was risking his life, and the life of Jamie and Sammy. To aid other people. People who had lost hope a long time ago. In the first couple of weeks everyone had been hopeful, and they had pondered about how Starfleet was going to help them. Saying that the tides were going to turn, and that the people would get their food and power back. It had only gotten worse from that point._

_Starfleet never came._

_Len hated that so called federation-of-peace-and-freedom. They had abandoned them._

_Len entered the forest, still clutching the bag. Every single time, he put his life on the line for some food and medicines. Once he reached the meeting spot, his legs were aching and his muscles started to protest more. No sign of Jamie or Sammy.  
Len sat down on a large trunk, finally giving his body its well-deserved rest. He looked around; even the forest seemed to have lost life. The fourteen year old observed the area around him. There's no more cheerful chattering of the bird-like creatures that inhabited this planet. The trees were dead, and most of them didn't have any leaves on them, even though it was "spring time". _

_The seasons differed from those of earth, but they called this month spring. Tarsus IV had six seasons instead of only four. This planet was so alike to earth, but totally different all the same. Len was startled out of his thoughts by rustling leaves. The fourteen year old boy tensed, he grabbed the knife that he had hidden in one of his boots._

_The familiar figure of Jamie appeared. The boy's eyes were red and puffy, and Len's heart sank to his shoes._

_Jamie never cried._

_He rushed toward the eight year old, wrapped his arms around the boy and let the kid cry. Something was wrong, very wrong. Truth to be told, Len didn't want to know, but he had to know. Len and Jamie sat down on a log together. Len let Jamie cry on his shoulder. He had to show that he was there for the other boy._

_Once Jamie's sobs had subdued Len's shirt was soaked with hot tears. Len was mentally preparing himself for what Jamie was going to tell him. He knew, he would never be prepared, but he was the grown up one after all, so had to act like a damned one._

_Nothing in the entire freaking galaxy could have prepared Len for what Jamie revealed to him._

_'L-Len, t-they have-e S-Sammy.'_

_Blur._

_Someone was searching. They still hadn't found what they were looking for, yet. Leonard just wanted it to be over._

_Leonard gasped soundly. His entire body was aching. His heart was drumming in his ears. No, he couldn't take another one of those memories. 'P-please,' the man begged, but he was pulled back again._

_'I may throw up on you,' Leonard let the beaten-to-pulp guy next to him know. He heard the Cadet on the other side of him slowly back away. Of course, people would be scared of him. The oh-so scary doctor, who suffered from aviophobia. The man grumbled to himself and rolled his eyes. Yes, Leonard knew he looked manic and crazy, but there was only one way to survive the shuttlecraft flight. Being a little drunk._

_The blond-haired man smiled at him, and said in a reassuring tone, 'I think these are pretty safe.' Pretty blue eyes, Leonard noted.  
Pretty Eyes was a good name for the guy, since he didn't know the actual name of the guy. Okay, Leonard was more than a little drunk. Pretty Eyes was studying him intently, like Leonard was a puzzle that could be solved. Leonard had the feeling Pretty Eyes would end up in Communications. The guy certainly looked the part._

_Leonard felt the drunken ramble start. He couldn't hold it back, 'Don't pander to me, kid. One tiny crack in the hull and our blood boils in thirteen seconds. A solar flare might pop up and cook us in our seats. And wait 'til your sitting pretty with a case of Andorian shingles. See if you're still so relaxed when your eyeballs are bleeding. Space is disease and danger wrapped up in darkness and silence.'_

_Pretty Eyes smiled at him, his expression was a mix of amusement and confusion. Pretty Eyes seemed to ponder on what to say next. Leonard really did have a foot in his mouth when he was drunk._

_After a short silence, Pretty Eyes informed Leonard, 'Well, I hate to break this to you, but Starfleet operates in space.' Leonard rolled his eyes. Even he knew that. Did Pretty Eyes think he was some sort of idiot? Leonard had to admit he sort of liked the guy._

_Pretty Eyes seemed familiar somehow, those blue piercing eyes. They shone with determination, those particular blue eyes. Leonard just couldn't put his finger on it._

_Blur._

The memories went faster. They became one blur. The pain was unbearable, the memories started to pass him randomly. His world stopped for a moment, everything was frozen. 

Jamie. 

Jim. 

They were the same person; they had been from day one. Everything made sense all of the sudden.

The signs had been obvious, although the man had never made that connection. The eyes, trying to be brave, even though being terrified, and the determination. Someone gasped, no, he was the one that gasped. Leonard got sucked back into the flashbacks. 

_Blur._

_Jocelyn was having sex with Leonard' colleague. The man was a close friend of Leonard. He couldn't do anything but stare at the scene in front of him. Standing there, his expression resembled a mixture of confusion and hurt._

_Emotions rushed past, fear, betrayal, love, sadness, and... Hatred. How could she do this to him? Leonard hadn't been the best husband, he had always tried to be, but Leonard loved Joce with his entire heart. That's all that mattered, right? He would bring her coffee in the morning, would caress her body as gentle and loving as he possibly could when they were in bed._

_The brown-haired man had never deceived her, and had always told how he felt about things. The couple had never gone and done something behind the other's back. Until now apparently._

_She had supported him for all those years, and he had trusted her. She was the mother of his child._

_Leonard's entire world shattered._

_That day he'd lost his wife, daughter and a friend._

_Blur._

Someone was going through his memories. It was like they were searching for something, a certain memory or something.

_Something hit his head 'Ouch.' Bones groaned. What the hell was going on? It had been a pillow, of course he would be assaulted with pillows in the middle of the night. There was a soft shuffling. The sound came from somewhere out of the room. Leonard cracked one eye open, it was dark in the room._

_'Computer, lights 5%,' Bones muttered. His voice was barely audible, but the computer heard it anyway. Leonard raised his head from his pillow. He mused that he must look like someone who just rolled out of bed. Wait, he was still in bed, so he was allowed to look like this. Bones grumbled out loud._

_There was no one Bones could see. Had he imagined the pillow? No, the pillow was definitely there. Jim's scent lingered on the object. The pillow was also warm. That meant that Jim had been sleeping or lying in his bed until recently. He hadn't any clue why someone, probably, Jim had attacked him with his pillow. Pillows were evil creations; meant to disturb Bones from his precious sleep._

_Having barely to none caffeine in his system just wasn't going to cut it. Bones longed for coffee. The smell, the hot liquid burning in his mouth, the warm feeling that would settle in his stomach. The coffee scent already hung in the air. Determined, Leonard forced himself to make a delicious cup of coffee._

_Suddenly, someone jumped on his bed. Leonard hadn't seen the figure approach his bed as he had been too busy glaring at the evil pillow. Leonard would deny any accusations, in the future, that he had yelled in a very manly manner. Thank you very much._

_No, he hadn't screamed at all. Jim was just spreading lies. Don't believe him. All lies._

_'Happy birthday, Bones,' the familiar voice said cheerfully, Jim. Bones slowly got up, but the blue eyed man blocked him as he was sitting on Bones' legs. Jim tended to do that so now and then._

_Oh, it was his birthday today. Bones blinked, and he was trying to recall the date. He counted the days in his head; today was indeed the date of his birth._

_Jim had been acting suspiciously the last few days, always sneaking off at random times of the day, when Bones had questioned him, his best friend had just replied "Y'know studying, of course."._

_Studying, my ass. Leonard had thought, and he had been right after all._

_'Good morning, Jim. Computer, lights 70%.' The lights were bright, too bright, Bones' eyes slowly adjusted to it. Blue eyes met Bones', and a small package was shoved in his hands. Jim was obviously nervous. He tried to act all confident and cocky all the time, but Bones could see all the signs. Jim was shifting as if he was uncomfortable, and his smile was genuine, but it lacked the usual confidence._

_Bones knew his best friend all too well._

_'What's this?' Bones questioned his friend. Jim explained, 'It's a present, you know, people give presents to someone on their birthday.' Jim had actually taken time to get a present for Bones._

_A warm feeling spread through his chest. Bones hadn't felt this... cared for in years. Jim cared for him, even if it wasn't in the way Bones had wanted. That didn't matter. What mattered was that Jim cared enough for Bones to get him a present._

_The object was wrapped in some weird paper that was probably some last minute decision made by Jim. As curious as he was, Bones slowly ripped the paper. Once the paper was removed Bones looked at a normal sized box, and he carefully lifted the lid off._

_The box contained one bottle of the finest Terran bourbon._

_'...Wow, thanks.' Bones wasn't used to receiving presents; it had been two years since he'd last received one. So, he was at a loss of what to say. Bones realised that there was something else in the box. It was a book. Bones raised his eyebrow, had Jim actually gotten him a book? Books weren't that usual nowadays, people read everything on their PADDs._

_Bones gently took the books in his hands, the title read "The Journey of a Doctor" Jim had remembered. Bones' throat closed up, and he couldn't utter a single word. Emotions overwhelmed Bones, he couldn't help but stare. Jim really did care for him._

_Bones was amazed by his best friend, and wrapped his arms around Jim._

_Bones' grandfather had always carried that book with him. It was an old fictional work from the late twenty-first century. The man had told a young Len 'This book, I follow its morals. This book is my bible.' He used to read it to him, obviously keeping the gore-y parts out. The man had always narrated animatedly. His passion was evident. No one had been able to miss that._

_Bones' grandfather had died a couple of years ago and Bones missed him terribly. Even though he hadn't had close contact with the man for several years back then. Horatio was the only who had understood his actions with David McCoy. Bones had commed him several years, but that had been it. Truth to be told that was more than enough. At least one person hadn't 'really' abandoned him._

_A couple of months ago, he wasn't completely sure when though, Bones had told his best friend this._

_Strong arms embraced his waist, Bones couldn't help but feel giddy, but no, he couldn't go there at the moment, and he had to thank Jim. Bones would never be able to explain his gratitude to his best friend._

_'I can't thank you enough, you remembered...you are the best friend anyone could have.' Bones whispered. He cherished the last moments of the touch, but then he reluctantly let go of the other man._

_Blur._

_'Dr McCoy, this patient is lost. We don't have the technology to save her.' A nurse told the fanatic doctor._

_'Damnit, we're going to try at least! Get the equipment; we have to decrease her heart pressure.' Bones was covered in blood, the blood of the dying patient who was lying motionless on the sterile table. This had been a usual check-up surgery, but something had gone wrong._

_Everything had gone so fast. One moment Bones was checking her vitals, and the next minute there had been a loud explosion, and he had been flung against the wall. The Red Alert alarm had sounded; they were being attacked._

_The woman had fallen off the bio-bed and there was a huge swelling on her head. Her head had collided with the floor with great force._

_There was a large cut in her stomach, since the small incision Bones made earlier had been completely ripped open. The woman was rapidly bleeding to death. Bones had scrambled up, his head was slightly spinning and his entire body ached with pain, but he needed to take care of the patient first._

_Bones couldn't let this woman die, because he cared. He cared too much for all living beings in this massive galaxy. Everyone was worth saving, no matter what._

_After three solid hours of performing surgery on the woman, everything was patched up again. All what was left to do at the moment was to wait. He had remained at the woman's bedside for a long time. Bones had been lucky that there weren't many other injured crewmen. All the injuries were minor, and Doctor M'Benga had handled everything well._

_In the end the woman survived, just because Bones hadn't given up. The doctor had pulled her through._

_Blur._

They had found what they had been looking for.


	2. Chapter 2

Suddenly, there was emptiness. His entire body felt void of life. Bones had never been this tired in his life. The images stopped, and he let his body give in and he fell down. Blackness surrounded him.

Luckily, a pair of arms caught the now unconscious man. Those arms belonged to no one other than James Tiberius Kirk. Bones was dead-weight, but Sulu quickly had come to aid the Captain and CMO. 

Silence.

The only thing that made any noise was the USS Enterprise's humming. Everyone on the Bridge was silent. They had witnessed the flashback, they had seen the same as Dr McCoy, they had seen his childhood, his time on Tarsus IV to Jim giving him a birthday present. 

Not a single soul aboard had known about his time on Tarsus IV, not even Jim. Well, Jim had known, but in a different way. He had never realised that two of the most important people in his life were the same person. 

Jim couldn't care any less at the moment; his best friend was unconscious in his arms, white as a sheet. Jim had to stay focused on the here and now; he had to think about his priorities.

'Mr. Spock, inform Sickbay they've got incoming,' Jim ordered, and he ignored the way his voice wavered and added, 'Mr. Sulu, help me get him into the turbolift.' The two of them carried Bones to the turbolift. They got in and disappeared. 

Spock hailed Sickbay and told them that Dr McCoy was on his way, carried by their Captain.

Nearly everyone was still staring at each other, at loss of what to do. Some of them considered Dr McCoy as a close friend. Spock analysed the situation, it would be beneficial for everyone that this revelation remained classified. No one was to tell anyone about these events.

'No one can share these events with anyone else. This experience is highly classified. If I am to find out that anyone has disobeyed my order. I will make sure you will be shipped off to the nearest space station. You will not be allowed back on the Enterprise while I am present on this ship,' Spock seldom threatened, but he wasn't bluffing. Vulcans couldn't lie. Everyone on the Bridge was aware of that fact.

Some officers nodded, others remained silent. Uhura, Chekov, and Scotty were all extremely pale. All of them emotionally compromised by the flashbacks. The three of them openly worried about their friend.

Truth to be told, Spock was fascinated by the mechanics of all of this. The Vulcan didn't have a single clue how those memories had been projected on their minds, but he had some theories regarding the incident itself. Why had it happened in the first place? Something told Spock that it had something to do with the Ambassador from Ferga X.

As on cue Ambassador Karvek appeared on the viewing screen once again. The alien was smiling brightly, obviously, he was happy about something. This intrigued Spock even more. Most of the Bridge crew were startled by the Ambassador's appearance. Apparently they had forgotten about him. 

Everyone quickly returned to their stations, and they continued their work like before they had been interrupted by the incident that had involved Dr McCoy several minutes ago.

'Where is your Captain, Commander Spock?' The Ambassador asked. It was unlikely that the Captain would leave Dr McCoy's bedside any time soon. Jim's irrational behaviour towards their CMO confused Spock. After the recent events Spock figured out that the men harboured romantic feelings for one another. Love was illogical. The Vulcan couldn't help but glance at Lt. Uhura; Spock thought about his feelings for Nyota, and he really did love her. 

Thinking about it, it had been rather obvious, actually. People always assumed that Spock did not understand the concept of love, but they were mistaken. Spock did not understand why humans did not confess their love. They would repress their feelings until one finally gave in and confessed their feelings. 

It would be wise to observe the Captain and Dr McCoy's friendship patterns. Perhaps, Spock would even be able to understand why they did not confess their true feelings. Humans were the most illogical beings in the galaxy.

So now and then Spock would get confused by his feelings, but Nyota always remained patient with him. 

'The Captain went to the Medical Bay with Dr McCoy. Ambassador, correct me if I am wrong, but did you cause those memories?' The Ambassador nodded. The alien was still smiling, but he seemed a little surprised by Spock's question.

'Affirmative, Mr Spock. The doctor passed the test, and luckily his intentions are pure. We're accepting the treaty... Is there something wrong, Commander Spock?' 

'We did not know that the memories of Lieutenant-Commander McCoy would be exposed. McCoy was not aware of that either. It slightly startled us, but now I realise that the mistake was ours. We should have known that this was going to happen.' 

It was best that Spock did not insult the Ambassador since the treaty was extremely essential to the Federation. Spock would take the blame for this incident. Even though he was still feeling a little pissed off, but those feelings had to be pushed aside at the moment. On moments like this Spock abhorred his human side.

'Doctor McCoy is of the highest rank of our culture, and we had to make sure his intentions were pure. They were, in fact, pure. You do these things differently in your culture, Commander Spock?' The alien furrowed his brow in confusion.

'In the human culture, the mind is seen as a private matter. Doctors are not the highest rank in our culture either, Ambassador. On this starship Captain Kirk is of the highest rank, but everything is all right. Dr McCoy needs to rest, and then he will be fine again.'

'Oh. Please accept our apologies... Send Dr McCoy our best wishes, please.' The Ambassador was genuinely feeling sorry for the doctor; Spock wondered how his friend was doing. The doctor didn't seem to have any physical injuries; the only damage that was done was mentally. 

The worst kind of damage in Spock's opinion. The mind was a fragile thing after all.

Spock nodded in conformation, and replied, 'Yes, I will inform Dr McCoy.'

'Can we negotiate down on the planet, Commander Spock? Can Captain Kirk come down here? We won't be offended in any way if your Captain decided to remain on the starship with Dr McCoy for now.' The emphasis on "for now" was impossible to miss. Spock was glad that there were not going to be any troubles at the moment. 

'The Captain wishes to stay with Dr McCoy until the man has recovered properly. Is Dr McCoy going to be needed for the negotiations in the future, Ambassador?' 

'That's all right. Yes, we will need Dr McCoy for our negotiations, but we're willing to wait until the man has recovered. We're very sorry that this misunderstanding took place.'

'There was no harm done, Ambassador.' Spock was pleased that Jim had taken time to teach him to bend the truth, otherwise Spock would have been in a tight position. There was harm done, but not in the way the Ambassador had meant. Spock knew that McCoy was a private man, and to have his most private thoughts exposed like this, the man would go through a struggle to get better again. 

Spock was certain that Lieutenant-Commander McCoy would get through his. He would carry on.

'Is it usual for everyone present to have witnessed these memories, Ambassador?' 

'No, but it happens occasionally. The distance must have interfered with our telepathy.' Ambassador Karvek was still frowning a little, but the alien was still radiating with happiness, nonetheless.

'Can you beam down tomorrow, Commander?' That gave Spock enough time to figure out what exactly had gone on, and caused this entire debacle. The Vulcan would need the help of the computer archives to confirm his suspicions.

'Affirmative.'

'I will patch through the date, time and coordinates in a few hours. Ambassador Karvek out.' The screen faded to black.

The Bridge was quiet apart from the humming of the Enterprise.

'Everything you have either seen or experienced during this shift is highly classified.' Spock repeated, it was logical to remind the Bridge Crew. Most of them were still looking a little shaken, but they would be perfectly fine.

Now, it was time to figure out what had happened.

'Lieutenant-Commander Scott, you have the conn. If you need any help, you can contact me on my personal communicator. Do not bother the Captain. I will be in my quarters.' Scott nodded and sat down on the Captain's chair. Spock entered the turbo lift and left the Bridge.

The theory Spock had at the moment was simple. The Fergians were telepathic creatures, even though their main communication medium was speech. They still used telepathy for checking the intentions of other creatures. Karvek had read Dr McCoy's memories to find out if he was a good man since in the Fergians' culture the doctor was of the highest rank. They even out ranked the national sovereign.

The Vulcan made his way to his quarters, meanwhile he was still pondering on his theory. Spock knew it was rather accurate, but the Vulcan was also slightly concerned about his friend. He wished the man would recover soon.

Once Spock had reached his quarters, he went through the archives of the computer. After several hours of thorough searching, the Vulcan's theory had been proven correct.

This mistake had to go down on in the report for Starfleet, but he would leave out the details of the contents of the flashbacks. Doctor McCoy would surely appreciate that. Those memories would not aid the report in any way. 

It was only logical to leave out the unimportant things.

 

***

Jim carried his friend into the turbolift. It wasn't time for emotions, so Jim pushed those aside. Well, that had been his intention, but that didn't mean he succeeded. Jim had to be a Captain at the moment. Later, he would assess the situation and deal with the revelation of his best friend. 

Len.

No, he told himself, he had to make sure that his CMO would be all right. Several questions sprung to his mind. How had Len survived? Was he really Len? Why did Bones never tell him?

Hypocrite, Jim had never told Bones, so why would Bones be obliged to do so. Bones emitted soft breaths against his shoulder, and Jim exited the turbolift as it had finally arrived. Sulu sprinted out of the lift to get a stretcher out of sickbay. Mr. Sulu quickly returned and they put their unconscious CMO on the stretcher. They carried him to the Sickbay as fast as they could.

Quiet. That was the word that sprung to Jim's mind as he entered the Sickbay. It was all too quiet. Too still. Jim didn't like it for one bit.

Doctor M'Benga and Nurse Chapel were making preparations for Bones. Jim and Sulu put Bones on the nearest available bio-bed. Chapel started scanning the man with her tricorder and M'Benga read the scans on his PADD.

'He's in pain, but there's no cause... That's strange... Dr McCoy's energy has been drained, however it's not life threatening.' M'Benga noted and frowned a little. The only thing Jim could do was stare at his best friend. The doctor hadn't sent him away yet, so he just watched Bones. The urge to just hold Bones' hand was nearly unbearable for Jim.

'Is he going to be okay, Doctor?' Jim had to know whether his friend was going to be okay or not. M'Benga looked up from the PADD and studied Jim for a moment. 

There was a sympathetic look on M'Benga's face, 'We don't know anything yet, but nothing appears to be wrong with him, apart from the energy drain.' 

M'Benga sighed deeply, and asked 'Could you tell us what happened, please?' Jim didn't want to tell them, Bones would be furious and anxious if he found out how many people had seen his most private memories. He wouldn't like that more people found out, but this was important. Bones had to get better, and if Jim could help the doctors to understand what was going on, he would do anything. 

Jim nodded at them and explained what had happened to them. An alien had exposed Bones' past to them and the entire Bridge, or something like that. Nothing was sure yet. Jim told them from beginning 'till the end what had happened. He'd left out the content of the flashbacks, those weren't necessary. Luckily, doctor M'Benga didn't press any further. 

When he'd finished explaining what had gone down on the Bridge, the doctor nodded and typed something on his PADD. 

'Nurse Chapel, could you put up the privacy curtain, and then give Doctor McCoy a muscle relaxing hypo. The man needs rest.' The nurse started putting up the curtain; M'Benga put his PADD on the nightstand next to the biobed and turned to Jim. 

He said 'You're allowed to stay with him, Captain. If something happens, call for a nurse.' Jim nodded, and M'Benga smiled at him.

'You should get a chair, try to relax a bit.' Doctor M'Benga left Jim standing next to Bones' biobed, the privacy curtain was drawn. Nurse Chapel hypo'd the unconscious man, smiled briefly at Jim, and walked out of the privacy area. 

Jim searched for a chair, after two minutes he decided to steal the one out of Bones' office. That one was extremely comfortable for a chair. The man wouldn't miss it anyway as he was resting in the biobed. Jim was happy that he knew his best friend so well; he entered the code of his office, and carried the chair to Bones' bedside. 

Once he sat down on the chair he let himself reach for Bones' hand. Jim needed the physical contact to reassure himself that his best friend would be all right. Spock would say that it was highly illogical human behaviour. Jim snorted, he really spent too much time with the Vulcan.

Bones' hand was warm, Jim slowly intertwined their finger. Jim ignored the feeling that spread through his chest. Lately he had started noticing things about himself. His feelings for Bones weren't completely platonic anymore, but he didn't want to think about it. That would only lead to bad things; he couldn't ruin the best thing that had ever happened to him.

The memories; they had been forced upon them. 

Everyone on the Bridge had witnessed it whether they had liked it or not. This was all Jim's fault, he'd asked for Bones to come to the Bridge, since the ambassador of Ferga X had requested the presence of their best doctor. Jim had granted his wish, he had been aware that doctors were extremely important in that society, and commed Bones without a second thought. There's no possible way that Jim could have known that this would happen.

He still didn't know what or why exactly happened. Spock would have a report ready for him when he commed him, but Jim didn't want to think about it at the moment. The man turned his attention to his unconscious best friend.

'I'm sorry, Bones.' Jim whispered softly. He leaned back and watched his friend, never letting go of his hand.

Things were going to be difficult; they'd have to deal with the Bridge crew. Jim had to make sure that no one would gossip, Bones would have to cope with the fact that over fifteen people knew his deepest and darkest secrets. Things he hadn't even told Jim. 

Could it really be true? 

After all these years, could Jim have found the person he'd presumed dead for years? Could the fourteen year old boy, he'd met all those years ago, be the same person he'd befriended on the shuttlecraft that had been on its way to the academy?

It seemed like a huge coincidence to Jim. After all, the age and appearance fitted. Jim wondered why he'd never recognized Bones, or why Bones hadn't recognized Jim. Neither of them had possessed a holo of the other, Len looked slightly different in his memories. The starved but lean kid, his body awkward, Len had just started his grow spurt at that time. The memory of Len occasionally tripping over his own feet came back to Jim, and he chuckled softly. 

Len had been Jim's hero; the boy had saved him countless times. Len would allow Jim to help him, he would give the boy a small piece of bread every night. Just to make sure that Jim wouldn't starve. Jim still appreciated the effort his friend had done for him. Len had always fussed over everyone. 

'So, you really fuss over me. You always have and will do that.' Jim smiled sadly at his best friend. 

After Jim had been "rescued" he'd started searching for Len, but it had been to no avail. At some point Jim had given up and started believing that the older boy had died on Tarsus IV. Or disappeared, like Jim's brother Sam. Did Bones know what had happened to Sam? Jim wouldn't dare to ask. Perhaps somewhere in the future, when everything had calmed down a bit. Jim was dying to find out what happened to his older brother, but truth to be told he didn't want to know.

They should have told each other their real names, but Len had thought it would be wise to share as little information as possible. Just in case anyone ever got caught. 

So, George Sam had turned into Sammy or just Sam. Bones had become Len. Jim hadn't known his first name up until now and last Jim or James had turned into Jamie. In the beginning it had been difficult to remember their pseudo names, but at some point it had become normal to them.

'What happened to you, Bones?' Jim inaudibly muttered; he didn't want any of the nurses eavesdrop on him. Jim thought back to the last time he'd seen Len, they had been talking about their mission. Len had hugged him briefly, wished him luck and had gone off to try to save Sammy. What had happened between those years? How had the fourteen year old kid become the mad doctor, who Jim had met on the shuttlecraft.

Jim sighed, there had been no reason for him to realize that his best friend was Len from Tarsus. Neither of them had ever mentioned the entire event, Jim had successfully erased all the traces of his past there. His mother had promised him, that she would never tell another soul where she had sent them.

Winona Kirk wasn't a bad person. She hadn't wanted to lose her first born son and her husband. It hadn't been her intention to nearly kill both of her sons when she sent them to Tarsus IV. The woman was broken, she'd lost the love of her life and she became distant. Leaving her kids with her new husband while she had gone off into the black. Jim didn't hate her, no. They didn't talk often, but after all, she still was his only kin. 

Jim had a proper family here, aboard the Enterprise, but his mother was his blood kin. In the end he'd forgive her, even though he never wanted to see her again. 

Had Bones escaped these horrors or had he stayed until the very end? Was he rescued by Starfleet, like Jim? Honestly, Jim didn't want to know what kind of horrors had gone on when he'd left, but this was Bones. Jim's best friend, the one person that had stayed with him throughout all those years. Always ready to fix him up, no matter what. Bones would get pissed at him whenever Jim had showed up in their room, bruised and battered. His best friend always stayed with him. 

The first year had been rough on Jim. The young man hadn't been used to the rules and regulations, but after a couple of weeks Jim had found out that he really did love studying. Gathering knowledge. Jim and Bones had quickly found a routine, and after three months since they had met on the shuttlecraft, they had become inseparable.

Jim had been there for Bones too, on certain anniversaries they went out drinking together. The two of them would drink until both of them would pass out on the couch. The next morning they would wake up with the world's worst hangover and curse everything that existed. 

The beeping of the heart monitor was slow, but steady. Bones was resting; he hadn't moved an inch since Jim had put him on the bed. Jim started to rub small circles on his best friend's hand, trying to forget all the questions, the traumas, and the fact that the entire Bridge crew knew about Bones' past. 

It didn't help, of course it didn't. Nothing could possibly fix this. The damage had been done, now it was time to clean up the mess. This ordeal was some mess. Why did Bones have to go through so much?

Bones had endured countless hardships in his life; the guy really deserved a break. 

The memory of Jocelyn's betrayal made Jim's skin crawl. Jim had seen it happen; he had experienced it through Bones' flashbacks. Everyone had. Never in his entire life, Jim had ever wanted to hit people just for the sake of hitting them. Jocelyn was an exception. The image of Jocelyn’s naked body on top of the stranger, god, he hated that woman for hurting Bones. For taking away Joanna. 

Jim had met Joanna three times, they got along extremely well. The tiny girl looked so much like his best friend, her brown eyes filled with enthusiasm and happiness. Jim would always pull her short black pigtails just to tease her. 

The last time Bones had seen Joanna was six months ago, they had been near a space station and Joanna had travelled there. They were just in time for Jo's ninth birthday; Jim had let her sit on the captain’s chair with him. 

Jim and Joanna had pulled all these amazing pranks on Bones. The doctor hadn't grumbled, he had laughed when Jim had spilled a bucket of water over him. Joanna had thrown sugar all over Bones. It had been a big mess, but they did have a lot of fun. Of course, Bones had taken revenge on Jim by dying his hair blue. Those were the good times. People had called him Captain Blue Hair for a couple of weeks, it had been hilarious. 

Jim had never seen his best friend happier, Bones had been relaxed, and the small smile never left his face during Jo's visit. 

He'd also found his best friend telling Joanna stories about their adventures. She would watch Jim with eyes filled with curiosity as he fanatically told her, she wanted to know everything. Later, she would go to Bones or Uhura and ask whether those stories were true, and if they could tell her stories as well. 

'You'll be all right Bones. I won't let anybody hurt you.' Jim didn't know why he kept whispering these small things to his unconscious best friend. Normally, he would never have said a single word. He would have remained quiet. If Bones ever found out about this, Jim would never hear the end of it. But at the moment Jim felt as if he needed to reassure Bones. That Jim had to show that he cared for him and didn't judge him in any way.

Jim was there for Bones, and he might as well show it. Bones wasn't alone in this mess; Jim would stand next to him until the very end. He hadn't been able to do that on Tarsus IV, but here he could protect his friend. As a best friend and a Captain. 

Jim wondered whether he should he check Bones' medical record or not. To make sure all the traces of Tarsus IV had been erased? No, not at the moment. Jim would handle all the official documents later; he needed to be with his best friend. 

To make sure he was safe. Bones probably had changed his own medical record to remove all the proof that he'd been on Tarsus. Even though he couldn't do anything, Jim would stay until Bones woke up. 

It felt like Tarsus IV all over again. Always being close to each other, making sure the others were safe and sound. They hadn't had anyone else, so they stuck together until they had been forcefully ripped away from each other. 

To this very day Jim still felt bad about the fact that he'd been useless on Tarsus IV. 

He knew it was irrational of himself, after all he had been an eight year old boy. Jim had done the best he could do at the time. Len had been the "grown up" one, the leader of the small group. 

Len would take care of things, made sure everyone was treated and given at least some food. He'd been the brains of their missions even though he would claim the entire time that he wasn't meant for coming up with plans.

Len had been a stubborn boy. Forced to grow up when he still was so young, and take care of so many people. Even though he could barely take care of himself. Jim wondered how many lives they had saved on Tarsus IV, but he'd be able never find out. Jim had managed to escape from the Starfleet officers once they'd reached Earth. 

At the time, he hadn't given them his real name. Jim had been terrified of what they wanted to do to him, in hindsight he should have realised that they were only trying to help him. But he had only been a scared little boy back then. So, it wasn't his fault that he hadn't trusted anyone.

The nearly nine year old boy had managed to escape, and had made his way to his home. Iowa. The boy had been extremely lucky; he'd managed to travel along with a cargo shuttlecraft. Jim had hidden behind a big stack of wooden crates. When they had arrived in Iowa, Jim had sneaked out of the cargo shuttle, and he’d found out that it was only a couple of days walking. 

The boy walked for days. The heat and lack of food didn't get to him at all; this was what he'd been used to, after all. During the journey he would talk out loud to Len, say things, that he normally told Len during their missions.

After a long journey the boy finally reached his home. Jim hadn't thought his mother would have been home, but when the starved boy had entered the house through the window, the woman had been there.

Winona had embraced the boy and hadn't let go of him for a long time.

Jim squeezed Bones' hand; he still was lying motionless in the biobed. 

'Please, wake up. Damnit, Bones.'

It struck Jim once again, this was really Len. Jim didn't know whether to be happy or sad about this discovery. Yes, he was happy, he'd found one of his best friends again, they'd shared a bond, and they understood each other. He was also sad, oh so sad. His best friend had gone through a ton of traumas; he'd lost so many things. 

Jim wondered once again, what had happened to Len and Sam after Jim's been rescued.


	3. Chapter 3

_'Len, is that you?' Jamie asked, his tone was wavering, he could nearly hear Len roll his eyes. That made him smile, a little. He was aware of the fact that it was his fourteen year old friend, but Sammy was very strict about the rules. So many rules and orders, be careful, be quiet, don't ask any questions, follow Len and do what you're told._

_Don't get caught, that was the rule they lived by every day. Sammy always complained about Jamie. Always told him the things he did wrong, yelling at him when he accidentally broke something. Len would always defend him, give him compliments, and let him be useful. The blue eyed boy always tried the best that he could; Len would smile at him and ruffle his hair._

_'Yeah, obviously.'_

_Definitely an eye roll, Jamie was one hundred percent certain of that. Jamie mock-demanded 'Code word, otherwise you won't get in.' Yes, they did in fact have code words, but they joked about them most of the time. The code word 'Alien Shoelaces' meant red alert, “get out as soon as possible, we'll meet at the usual spot". This had happened before. On times like that, Jamie would realise that things were very dangerous, and he didn't want to die._

_Some days, Jamie would cry for his mother, why did she send them here? It had been a year since they had last seen her. Sammy told him, she's saving people, out there in the black. Every single time Jamie would ask 'Why won't she save us?' Sammy would glare at him and stalk away. Leaving Jamie all alone._

_Len would fix things between them. He would comfort Jamie, explain that no one could help them, and that it was all very complicated._

_'Pineapple smoothies.' Len answered, and Jamie opened the door. The boy puffed his chest, trying to look stronger. The door made a loud cracking noise as it opened, both of the boys stood there, frozen. It was way past curfew, if they were to be caught, bad things would happen to them. No alarms started wailing and no shouts._

_They were safe. Len stealthily entered and closed the door behind him. His shoulders were tensed, and there were bags beneath his eyes, Jamie noted._

_'Hi, kiddo.'_

_Len ruffled Jamie's hair. Jamie huffed and muttered 'Not a kid.' Len always called him kid, Jamie wasn't a kid anymore, and he was a hero. Heroes obviously weren't kids, even Jamie knew that. Therefore, he wasn't a kid. As a Vulcan would say, it was only logical. The older boy walked to the living room, and Jamie followed him._

_Len sat down on the floor and put his bag down next to him. Jamie sat down next to his friend 'What did you get, Lenny?' The fourteen year old boy opened his bag and showed its contents to Jamie._

_'I've got lots of meds, so we can go around treating some people in the morning. We can be heroes again.' Sometimes, he would miss playing with his friends, but nearly all of his friends disappeared or weren't allowed to go outside anymore._

_Heroes, he told himself, had to be responsible. There wasn't any time for fun and games. They had to be alert at all times. Jamie needed to be grown up._

_Suddenly, Sam entered through the backdoor. It was impossible to miss the redness of his face and his loud panting. Sammy had been chased. Again. Len brow furrowed and his expression was dark. Jamie didn't like it at all when Len looked like this. It was a bit scary._

_'What happened?' The fourteen-year old asked with a hoarse voice. Sam put down his bag. It contained the food that he had stolen._

_'Nothing important, they weren't able to catch me.' The boy shrugged it off like it was nothing. But Jamie wasn't stupid, he noticed that his brother's hands were shaking, either from fear or adrenaline. Or both. Sammy sat down next to them, still panting a little bit. It must have been a long chase or a close call._

_'Nothing important!?! You look like you've just run a freaking marathon! You can't get caught, be careful. Please, think about Jamie here. A little food isn't more important than your life. We need to take care of ourselves. We have to survive this.'_

_Sam seemed to be fascinated by the wooden floor, his shoulder shagged a little. Jamie fought the urge to comfort his brother; he didn't do that since Len was furious. One didn't want to piss Len off, and always should try to stay out of his way whenever he was mad. Len took a deep breath, counted from ten to one out loud. The guy occasionally could have a bad temper. Len just cared too much._

_'Sorry, Sam. I just can't lose you. I've watched my aunt get dragged off in the middle of the night. You're the only family I have right now. Please, just stop risking yourself like that.' Len's voice wavered a bit; Jamie took Len's hand in his and squeezed it._

_The peacekeeper, that was Jamie's role in the group, he would distract the two of them by asking questions. This time, however, he had a real question, so he asked: 'Len, who are we going to treat tomorrow?' Len opened his bag and dropped the contents one the floor._

_'I haven't had the chance to read the labels. Jamie, can you get the rest of the stash?' Jamie did what was asked from him. The meds were hidden underneath the floor; it was the fourth plank from the door. The blue eyed boy lifted the floorboard and retrieved all of medical supplies. Jamie carefully put the floorboard back, trying to be as quiet as possible. There was still some tension the room, but all of them ignored it._

_Jamie gathered all the medicines, and put it next to the meds Len had found. This was a routine for them. Len would put things ready for the next morning by picking the ones they were going to use. Len was focused on the medicines, he worked carefully. The boy wrote down what they got, Jamie watched him work with great interest._

_The blue-eyed boy was getting sleepy, since it was way past his usual bedtime, but the kid hadn't wanted to sleep alone in the house. Sam finally got over his shame. He his stretched a bit, and then started to get ready to sleep. Sammy gathered three blankets. One for each one of them. There wasn't any heating in the house, so it could get very cold at night. The winter was slowly approaching, the days grew shorter, the nights became longer, it was colder, and the wind could be as cold as ice._

_'Goodnight.' Sammy muttered to them, apparently he didn't feel like talking anymore. Whenever things like this happened, Sammy would seclude himself for a while. Later, he would act like nothing happened. It was his coping system._

_'Goodnight,' Jamie and Len whispered in unison._

_Jamie didn't want to think about the winter. Things would get worse for them. The blanket comforted Jamie, but he couldn't fall asleep. So he continued watching Len working on the meds. Sam was soundly sleeping behind the couch; the boy always sought privacy at night. Jamie would watch Sammy pretend that behind the couch was his own room._

_Jamie wondered how his cousin was doing and if she was still alive. They had originally stayed with their cousin, who was twenty-nine years old, but he and Sam had run away. Their cousin, Caroline, had been working for Kodos. After days of walking, they had met Len and the three of them had stayed together ever since._

_The fourteen year old boy looked up from the medicines and smiled at his friend 'Can't sleep?' He whispered, since he didn't want to wake Sammy. Jamie's brother wasn't really nice when he had been interrupted from his slumber. His big brother could be a meanie when he was tired, but Jamie loved him nonetheless._

_Jamie answered 'I'm not tired,' and crawled over to Len. The older boy picked something out of his bag, a small piece of bread, and handed it over to Jamie._

_'You must be hungry,' he ripped the piece in half; Len handed one piece to Jamie, and said 'Here. You need to eat.' Jamie was grateful, he hadn't eaten since breakfast. His meagre breakfast had been some bread and an apple. The two of them took slow bites of their food, Jamie cherished every bite._

_So now and then Jamie would go out to the forest and look for edible bugs, Sammy had shown him which ones were poisonous, so Jamie knew which ones he could eat._

_At first, he had shown everything to Sammy before he ate it, but after a while Jamie had started recognising the different kinds of bugs. At least he was useful in some way; he'd share his bugs with other kids or even some adults. They would thank him for his help; Jim would smile and tell Len what he'd accomplished. The older boy would ruffle his hair and let Jamie help him._

_The two of them worked well together._

_Len was Jamie's hero. The older boy was the thing that kept Jamie motivated. Even after all these months of death and despair._

_'You should sleep, Jamie. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.' Len wrapped his arm around Jamie. It was nice to be close to someone. When he'd finished eating Len turned back to the medicines. The boy never let go of Jamie, always holding him close. The two of them became warm quickly, and Jamie felt his eyelids slowly drop. He attempted to stay awake, but he failed. The eight year old boy fell into a peaceful slumber, tightly clutching Len's arm._

_Hours later, Jamie was woken up by Len; it was time for their mission. Feeling well rested, Jamie started putting everything in his bag. Len went to the kitchen, and made some sort of breakfast for the two of them. Sammy was still sleeping; the twelve year old boy had run the morning errands the day before. So the boy could get his well-deserved rest._

_Len walked into the living room, and gestured for Jamie to gather his stuff and come to the kitchen. The three boys had gotten well at sign language. It had saved their lives a couple of times. The signs had been Sammy's idea, Jamie had created them and Len had drawn them on a piece of paper so they could practice it._

_Jamie absently wondered if his ancestors had lived like that, no electricity, only paper to write on, and little to no food at all. Len had cooked some food, it wasn't much, but it was sufficient for them. The two of them held their food and sat down on the floor._

_There wasn't any wooden furniture anymore since they had used the chairs and tables for burning wood a couple of weeks ago. It had been freezing that night, and Len had decided that they needed the warmth more than the luxury of chairs. The two of them ate in a comfortable silence; they didn't want to disturb Sammy._

_Once they had finished eating their small meal; the two of them grabbed their bags and exited the house through the window. The back door made too much noise to open, so they always picked the window. One time, Jamie had fallen down, and the boy fractured one of his fingers. Len had been extremely pissed off, but had patched him up anyway. The older boy always would._

_'So, Jamie we're going to do the usual round today. We'll stick together and if something happens, we'll meet at the usual spot. We are going to feed the kids first, and then we'll see who needs the medicines the most.'_

_Len always stated what they were going to that day. It was part of the routine that they had created. Jamie followed Len, the fourteen year old boy looked tired; there were dark shadows under his eyes. Jamie reached out and took Len's hand in his, to show his friend that he was there for him. Startled, Len's gaze turned to Jamie, his brow was slightly furrowed with confusion._

_The older boy smiled, and they continued making their way, through the woods towards the edges of the nearest town. Jamie started to whistle softly, that's what he always did when they were walking in the forest._

_It always was the same tune, Jamie had learned it from his grandfather, and the man had told him that it was an old tune from the early twentieth century. It wouldn't surprise Jamie if the man had made that up, but he liked the thought that something so old could still exist._

_The name of the tune was long forgotten, however the song remained. Jamie stopped whistling after a while, and asked, 'When do you think Starfleet will save us?' Len remained silent for a couple of minutes. The air sounded empty without Jamie's whistling, but the blond boy wanted to know._

_When Len didn't answer his question, Jamie added, 'They will come for us, right? Mom is going to save us. Then we'll play near the farm where I live. I hope Frank won't be there... he isn't very nice to us.' Jamie wondered why his friend looked so sad; he squeezed the boy's hand in attempt to reassure him._

_Jamie started to become worried, why didn't Len say anything? He asked, 'Len, what's wrong?'_

_The older boy sighed deeply, but then said; 'Starfleet is going to save us... But it'll take time, kiddo. We need to save ourselves for a while. We're good at that, we're heroes,' the boy smiled at Jamie, although Jamie wasn't convinced there was something wrong and Len wasn't telling him. Len continued, 'Of course, we will play together. I'll teach you how to draw or teach you how to ride a horse.'_

_Jamie went along with it, he knew Len was lying, he could see it in his eyes, but Jamie decided to believe Len. Even though Len didn't believe in himself, they would support each other until the very end of this all._

_'Awesome. Yes, I'd love to learn that!'_

_Jamie resumed whistling the ancient tune. They were living a lie, but neither Jamie or Len could handle the truth at the moment. Everything had to become all right again._

_The two of them continued on their journey._

***

Jim blinked furiously, he felt raw and exposed. He hadn't thought of those things for years, he'd buried those feelings and had ignored them. Jim wondered for how long he had been zoned out. His best friend was still lying in the exact same position, although his vitals had somewhat improved.

'Damnit, Bones. Don't sleep too long... I have to get back to my duties soon.' No reaction.

The memory brought back a lot of emotions, he didn't think about Tarsus IV that much, tried to get on with his life and forget his past. Jim had stopped being a kid back then, his innocence was torn away from him. The little boy had experienced horrors that had made the thought of hell seem comforting.   
Len and Sammy had made things better, so now and then they would have a nice evening, just messing around and be kids. The age difference hadn't mattered in those few hours of near carelessness, just playing games and pulling pranks on each other. 

One time, Jim had dressed up as a 'forest monster' and Len had been scared for only one second, but then he'd laughed about how ridiculous Jim had looked. The memory made Jim smile a little. 

What would have happened if Jim hadn't been ripped away from Len so violently? Jim wondered if he would have survived Tarsus IV without Len. Or would Len and he have remained friends after they had gotten away from that place. How had Len gotten away? 

The thought of the fourteen year old boy all alone on that scary planet. The two people who Len had cared for the most were gone, both of them forcefully torn away. Jim's insides turned cold; four months after he'd been rescued Tarsus IV had been saved. Starfleet had finally gotten their shit together and figured it out, had Len been alone for all those months?

Jim thought back to the tune he had always whistled, he started whistling the tune for the first time since he'd left Tarsus IV. It surprised Jim that he still knew the tune by heart, it had been so long.

Things were going to get complicated; no one could possibly deny that. Feelings of the past and the present would mix up and Jim was terrified, that he might ruin their entire friendship by saying something that should remain unsaid. Bones was the most important person in Jim's life; he couldn't imagine a life without him. Jim realised, he probably wouldn't even be alive and well right now. 

Jim's life had never been pretty, but once he'd returned to Earth he'd been furious. Jim had been in a rage, because things were unfair, he'd lost his brother and best friend. Jim had seen countless people starve to death, and then he had been ripped away from the only good thing in his life. 

The boy had been furious for many years, he hadn't cared about doing the right thing, and he’d started drinking and became the stereotypical reckless teenager. Now looking back to it all, it surprised Jim that he'd made it through and became an honest to god captain. 

Jim had learned to carry on with his life no matter what, even though it was pretty much shit, Len had told him that on Tarsus IV all those years ago. He'd lived by that rule for his entire life; he had never given up on himself.

Jim sighed darkly, ignoring the feeling of dread, and commed Spock. Perhaps the Vulcan had some answers; they could work out what had happened. This was Jim's fault, if he hadn't been this careless and had asked questions why the best doctor was needed on the Bridge. This would never have happened. 

In hindsight, he should have seen this coming from miles away, but no Jim hadn't paid enough attention. He's being irrational, Jim was aware of that, but he didn't care, he was allowed to be irrational when his best friend was lying in the Sickbay unconscious. 

'Kirk to Spock.' The comm made a small noise, but then he heard the familiar voice of his friend. Jim's voice was emotionless; he'd separated his feelings and his mind. He needed to focus, to figure it all out.

'Spock here. What is the matter, Captain?' The Vulcan always went straight to the point; Jim had to admit that he appreciated that. The half Vulcan was someone he could rely on, he trusted his friend with his life.

Unsure of what actually he could ask, he asked, 'How are things on the Bridge? Have you made sure the word doesn't get out?' Bones would hate the gossip with a burning passion of a thousand suns, so Jim would try to make sure nothing got out. That was the least he could do, his carelessness had caused this entire mess to happen. Jim would try to make the upcoming events of complication as smooth as possible; Bones was going to have a bumpy ride. 

'I've made sure nothing will get out. Everyone who was present is aware that this information is confidential. Could we discuss these matters in private, Captain?' 

Jim wasn't going to leave his best friend's bed side until he woke up from his coma. Jim decided it was for the best to talk in Bones' office with Spock; he could monitor his best friend's vitals from there, so technically he wouldn't be leaving his bed side. The plan was flawless. The other problem was, if Bones wouldn't wake up within the next thirty hours Jim would have to leave as his next shift started then.

'Come to the Sickbay, we'll discuss the matters there. Kirk out.' Spock confirmed and left. 

'Bones you need to wake up. Or I'll start verbally abusing you like you always do when you're annoyed.' Jim squeezed Bones' hand and got up from the chair, the urge to remain here was nearly too overwhelming. As if Jim sitting here next to Bones' bed and clutching his hand would help the unconscious man, "he won't be all alone then" Jim thought.

Jim turned around, glanced at his best friend for one last time, and then left the privacy area. 

Spock entered the Sickbay just when Jim typed in the code on Bones' office; the perks of being someone's best friend, Jim knew all the codes Bones used. Most of the time the code had something to do with Joanna, her birthday, her year in school, how many months until he would see her again.

It was only a month before Bones would see his daughter again, they was a shore leave planned on a space station, and Joanna was visiting him there again.

'Hello Captain, how is Dr McCoy doing?' Spock asked Jim didn't miss that the Vulcan's eyes rested on the secluded area of the Sickbay, the man cared for Bones even though their personalities clashed. After the two years they had been on the Enterprise the two slowly befriended it each other. 

They never showed their friendship in public, but occasionally Jim would walk in on them softly talking to each other in the corridors. The two confided in each other when they couldn't share their problems with anyone else.

At first, Jim had been jealous, not that he'd ever admit it to anyone. Why couldn't Bones tell him these things? But then Jim decided that he was Bones' best friend, and he would respect his choices. So now and then the jealousy would flare up, Jim would avoid his two friends as much as possible for a couple of day; all would be well again after that. 

Still, that stop Jim from being extremely curious, but he'd learned to refrain himself from eavesdropping. 

'He is unconscious, his vitals are fine we have to wait until he wakes up. We don't know what he went through mentally, so we have to be careful once Bones regains consciousness.' Jim said, he opened the file containing Bones' vitals on his PADD, everything was normal.

The pair entered McCoy's tidy office, it was evident that the man had been working in his office when Jim had requested his presence on the Bridge four hours ago. It didn't feel like four hours, it felt like days, but it happened this morning. Jim sat down on Bones' chair and Spock on the chair opposite of him.

'What happened, Spock?' Jim absently wondered how this day ended up being 'cut-the-crap' day. Spock carefully explained to Jim what and how had happened, and also added his confrontation with the Ambassador after Jim had gone off to take Bones to the Sickbay. 

Jim listened to the detailed explanation, hating himself more by minute. This could have been prevented if they had done more research about the ranks of the culture.

'This is my fault.' Jim stated Spock raised his eyebrow the man was obviously confused by this statement.

'Jim, that's illogical. We couldn't have known and it's not in the Starfleet regulations to research the culture's ranking system, we only have to know about their sovereign.' Spock countered.

'We'll have to add it to our personal rules for diplomacy then. What do we tell him? He won't be able to handle the truth, he needs to recover first.' Jim decided now wasn't the best time to decide whether it was his fault or not, they needed to focus on his best friend. Jim needed his friend to get better.

'Jim, I cannot lie. So I suggest you tell Dr McCoy that you do not know anything yet. Although I believe that it is unlikely that Dr McCoy will believe you.' Jim knew that, Bones read his best friend like a damned open book so now and then. It could frustrate Jim to no end, but in some ways he actually liked the fact that his best friend understood him so well.

'I know that, Spock. But he needs to recover first. Later we'll deal with the complications this will bring,' Jim sighed, his head started to ache, the man continued 'We need to make sure that this case is completely confidential. No one should have seen those things, those were personal matters. We won't report the contents of what we've seen. I don't want this on Bones' permanent medical file, that's an order.' 

Spock nodded in agreement, after all those years the Vulcan had started understanding things like leaving things out, because that's for the better.

Jim couldn't have had a better First Officer.

'Affirmative, Captain.' The two of them still had much to discuss, but Jim itched to get back to Bones' bedside, even though he was still eyeing his PADD every five seconds he needed to see his friend. Jim wondered when he became so dependent on Bones. The man had become a permanent fixture in Jim's life, and Jim wasn't able to imagine a life without him. Honestly, Jim didn't want to imagine it.

The fact that Jim didn't want to imagine it scared him to death. Jim wasn't used to feeling dependent on anyone anymore. It had been years since he'd held onto somebody like that, and now it had been happening for a long time and the blond hadn't even realised it. Their lives had just tangled up, now Jim was stuck and there was nowhere to run.

'You should return to Dr McCoy, I have duties to attend to.' The pair got up from their chairs, and left the office. 

'Thank you, Spock.' The Vulcan looked confused for a moment, but didn't question any further, there obviously wasn't any logic applied to a thank you. Jim fought the urge to roll his eyes at his friend, he successfully refrained from doing so.

'Captain.' And the Vulcan was gone.

Jim returned to Bones' beside, there wasn't any change. He was still lying nearly motionless on the biobed. His face pale, even sleeping Bones still looked exhausted. His energy was really drained, he would need time to properly recover.

Jim waited by Bones' bedside for hours, clutching the man's hand in his. After a long time of waiting the tired Captain fell asleep in an awkward position in his chair. But Jim never let go of his best friend's hand during his uncomfortable slumber.


	4. Chapter 4

A steady, but slow beeping woke Bones up. This wasn't his bed. It was too soft and the scent was different. Bones wondered where he had ended up this time. The familiar scent of the Sickbay reached his nose, he would have to open his eyes to confirm his suspicion, but his head hurt like hell. Okay, he couldn't just lie there with his eyes closed; waiting for the pain to subdue.

When Bones slowly opened his eyes, he noted that he was in fact in the Sickbay, as a patient. The light was too bright; he had to adjust to the it, and he blinked. Bones really did have the world's worst headache; there was this hammering in his head, it was nearly unbearable.

The privacy curtain was drawn, no one had noticed so far that Bones had woken up. So he took his time to slowly assess the situation. The beeping he had been hearing came from the heart monitor. The only thing that hurt was his head, no other obvious injuries. Bones felt something warm on his hand; he moved his fingers to feel what the source of the warmth was.

It was a hand; a soft warm hand. Bones noticed that someone was sprawled in a chair next to him. Jim. The man was sleeping, but still holding Bones' hand with a dead grip, as if the man would be afraid to let go of him. 

Suddenly, it all came rushing back to him. The flashbacks, the memories. Jocelyn's betrayal. His first kiss. Meeting Jim. Tarsus IV. 

Tarsus IV.

His head hurt like hell. This was worse than any hangover he'd ever had, Bones whimpered. That woke Jim, but the man never let go of his hand. Jim started rubbing small circles, soothing Bones. 

'Bones, are you all right? Do I need to get Nurse Chapel?' Blue worried eyes met Bones', the brown-haired man focused on those eyes; ignoring the pain. The ache started to reduce, and Bones forced himself to nod.

'What the hell happened?' Bones croaked out, his throat was dry, although it sounded more like "whahapd" than what he had meant to say. Jim's face looked puzzled for a moment, but then realisation dawned to him. A mixture of worry and fear was evident on Jim's face, he also seemed a bit paler than before.  
'You don't remember?' The whisper was barely audible, Bones realised that Jim thought he wouldn't remember anything. Tarsus IV. He hadn't spared that place that much thought in ages. The horrors of that place were never forgotten. 

Occasionally dreams of that place would terrorise him. Especially on certain anniversaries. Besides his parents Bones had never told another living soul what had happened there. His parents had gotten the censored version of it, he hadn't told them about Sammy or Jamie.

Jamie.

'Memories and pain,' Bones managed to utter softly, and Jim smiled hesitantly; something was wrong. Jim reached out to the nightstand next to him, and he handed the other man a small cup filled with water. After Bones sipped the water a couple of times; his throat wasn't as dry as before. 

Bones asked 'Did it happen to you too?' The sound of his voice had improved, and it didn't sound like he had been eating sand for two days straight. That triggered another question, how long had he been here? How long had he been out of the cold? Jim interrupted his thoughts.

'No, you scared us there, Bones.' Jim was hiding something, Bones was completely certain of that. He knew the kid better than anyone else, Jim might be a terrific liar to others, because that was the job description of Captain after all. But Bones had lived with the man in a room for three years; they were best friends and Jim was an open book for him the most of the time. 

Of course, there were things that they hid for each other, but they respected each other's privacy. If something awry they would talk and work things out. 

Jim was his anchor in so many ways. Bones trusted his best friend more than anyone on this starship, no, the entire universe. His best friend was lying to him; it was obvious that he didn't want to worry him, and that worried Bones more than anything.

'Just tell me.' Jim didn't seem to be surprised in the slightest. The man was silent for a while, probably deciding what the best approach was to reveal this thing to him. Bones couldn't help himself and rolled his eyes impatiently. A small sting of pain. His head still hurt a bit, Bones noted that he shouldn't roll his eyes for a while. That made him want to roll his eyes again. 

Jim began 'We...saw what you,' the man was at a loss of what to say, Bones dreaded what Jim would say next, 'We experienced your...memories. Everything.' Everyone on the Bridge had witnessed these things. Memories he had never told anyone. Not even Jim. Bones' heart sank into his shoes. 

Everyone knew.

'Oh god.' They'd seen everything, from Jocelyn's betrayal to Tarsus IV. The image of a tiny eight year old sprung to his mind, cheeks hollow, nearly starved to death, but his blue eyes. Those eyes filled with determination, those eyes twinkled whenever Bones had given him some food. The small boy with a big and flamboyant personality. 

Jamie was Jim. They were the same person, the one person who Bones had believed to be dead for years had been his best friend for years.

Bones fought the urge to throw up. How had he never realised? How could he had been that stupid?

'Jamie.' Bones uttered, the other man froze for a moment, but then regained his composure.

'Not now, Bones.' Jim never said his first name, only when he was serious or worried. The man always called him Bones; from the day had met on the shuttlecraft. A thousand questions weren't asked, nothing was resolved, still filled with confusion Bones decided that it was best to let them be. For now.

Bones returned to the previous topic, not any more pleasant, but Bones required the answers 'Did y'all see everything?' Jim was as white as a sheet, the memory of Tarsus IV must have affected him too. Bones squeezed his hand, attempting to reassure him like Jim had done before.

'I'm sorry, Bones. Everyone on the Bridge witnessed what you saw,' Jim smiled at him reassuringly, 'they won't tell anyone.'

Bones hadn't a single clue what to say or do, so he remained silent. Filled with despair, the man sighed. Everything had been for nothing. He'd worked so hard to earn his respect as a doctor and a person; now all of it had been ruined. The secret he has guarded so carefully had been exposed. Why had he never told Jim? 

Admitting it out loud made it real. Bones had always believed that it wouldn't be real until he'd said it out loud. 

In hindsight, he should have told Jim. They could have worked out what had happened to the other in peace. This way was too raw, too radical. Now, it was too late to get that peace, they would have to roll with the punches. That's what they always did anyways.

Everything had been ruined by some stupid accident.

What the hell had happened anyway?

'Bones please, just say something.' Jim's words sounded desperate, blue worried eyes met his. Jim really did care for Bones. That made his life seem just a little brighter. Jim always managed to make the situation seem less dire; everything would get better if Jim was around.

'What do you want me to say,' even though Jim had managed to make Bones feel a little bit better; crappy still was the best way to describe his feelings at the moment 'Jim, I don't know what to do or say,' Bones confessed. 

Jim looked at him and his eyes were sad, but understanding; he said 'I'll take care of you. I'll get you through this.' His voice sounded so damned earnest and certain. Bones' heart couldn't help but swell at the words of his, the tips of his mouth turned up. A small smile appeared on Bones' face, Jim positively beamed at him.

Someone cleared her throat, ruining their moment. Christine Chapel was standing next to Bones' bed; they had been too wrapped up in each other and had failed to notice that she had entered the privacy area. 

There was a knowing smile on her face, and Bones absently wondered what she knew. Bones and Jim quickly let go of each other, and the brown-haired man immediately missed the warm touch of Jim's hand. Both of them pretended as if nothing had happened; Jim pulled himself together and straightened his clothes. His uniform was wrinkled as he'd slept on the chair, and his hair was rather disheveled.

'Good to see you awake, Dr McCoy.' Nurse Chapel didn't act any differently and Bones was grateful for that; she started to scan him with her tricorder. 

'How are you doing, Doctor?' Normally, she called Bones by his first name, but it was a strange situation so she remained professional. A doctor really was the worst patient one could have; this would be a tough experience for all of them.

'I feel weak, like I've run a marathon. My head hurts a lot, but it's not too overwhelming.' 

After a couple of minutes of silence Doctor M'Benga entered the privacy area as well. The man greeted Bones and started reading the scans of the tricorder on his PADD. Jim was awkwardly standing around, he didn't seem to be sure what to do. Truth to be told, Bones didn't want him to leave. 

So, he said, 'Sit down, Jim. You're making me nervous.' Jim followed his order and obediently sat down on the chair.

'You appear to be fine, your energy is drained, though. I'm discharging you, but you have to rest a lot. Because I know if you stay here for longer than necessary you'll drive us all insane.' 

Jim snorted at the last part. Bones glared at his best friend. M'Benga smiled at him, put down his PADD and added 'You're not allowed to return to duty until Friday. That's six days, McCoy.' Six entire days of freedom, it had been a long time since he'd had six days free of work. Nothing to do but rest and deal with the consequences of this ordeal. 

Bones already itched to get back to work. 

Nurse Chapel removed the sensors from his arms and head and turned the monitors off. 

'Captain, I suppose you're able to take Doctor McCoy back to his quarters? Make sure he gets into bed.' Nurse Chapel asked; the woman was smirking as she handed Bones his clothes. She didn't wait for an answer and left them. M'Benga chuckled and followed the Nurse out of the privacy area.

'That was abrupt.' Bones nodded in agreement. Usually, Christine would chat with him about all sorts of stuff, but she had stayed silent. That was peculiar.

'Do they know about what happened?' Jim didn't meet his eyes and shuffled awkwardly; that confirmed Bones' suspicions. Someone had told them, because they hadn't been present on the Bridge when 'it' happened. Whatever it was. Bones slowly lifted his legs, the movement was slow, but he forced himself to sit up. Jim's eyes followed his every movement.

'I had to tell them, sorry, they needed to know what had happened to be able to treat you.' Bones didn't mind it that much, Jim's choice had been rational, he forgave his best friend. He would have done the same if he had been in Jim's shoes. 

'It's okay. What happened anyway?' Bones started to put on his clothes, trying to remain casual, but his best friend was watching him. It was awkward to change clothes in front of the person you harboured romantic feelings for. Jim was silent; the man observed him and it made Bones feel on edge. Jim was acting weird and he wanted some damned answers. 

'Well, I told you...People... saw bits of your past...We don't know for sure what exactly happened yet... I'll let you know when we find out what exactly happened.'

Bones could tell that Jim was hiding something. There was a reason that his best friend was lying to him, but he trusted the man so he went along with it for now. Bones still wanted to know what happened though. Bones' legs were still a bit unsteady and staggered a bit. Apparently he'd pushed himself too far. Jim noticed his struggles. He wrapped his arm around Bones' waist to help and steady his friend. 

Once Bones finished changing clothes, he put his arm on Jim's shoulder. The two of them didn't talk; it wasn't needed right now. Jim helped Bones walk by holding him up and carrying his weight. The pair slowly made their way towards Bones' quarters. So now and then Jim would stop to let Bones catch his breath. Bones was weak; his energy was drained and the man was exhausted.

When they entered Bones' quarters. Bones broke the silence 'You're really Jamie.' Jim didn't meet his eyes, and he sat down on the couch. Bones followed him. 

'You're really Len.' Neither of them said anything for a while, Bones didn't know what to say or do to improve this situation. What could one say if your best friend was the same person who you believed had died all those years ago? Jim seemed to have the same troubles. He finally met Bones' eyes and the silence continued to stretch.

'I thought you died.' Bones stated. That really wasn't the best way to start a conversation, but he didn't have a clue what to say. Were they supposed to hug and cry? Should they swap stories and think back about their experiences on Tarsus IV. 

'I'm sorry...Bones,' 

Jim sighed deeply, and said 'We shouldn't have this conversation right now. We need to think about this, and most of all you need your rest.' Jim was right, things had gone too fast for both of them. And they needed a couple of hours or days to sort out their thoughts and emotions. Bones wondered if Jim had given this any thought when Bones had been unconscious; he should have had enough time to think everything through. Right?

Bones nodded and slowly got up. Jim helped him and they walked over to Bones' bed. Bones laid down on the bed; still fully clothed. He fought the urge to fall asleep at that moment as his best friend was still watching him with a confused expression on his face. If Bones hadn't been extremely tired and confused he wouldn't have asked this question, but in this state he did.

'Come to bed, Jim. You barely slept the last two days. Stay, please.' Bones was too tired to care for the complications right now. His life was already too fucked up to mess it up any more. Jim hesitated for a moment; if Bones had been fully conscious and alert he would have noticed that Jim was insecure. 

'Uh...Okay.' Jim reached down, untied the laces of his shoes and slid them off; Bones watched him carefully. Jim walked over to the bed, and Bones rolled to his left to create some space for his best friend. 

It wasn't until Jim moved under the covers of the bed that Bones realised what he'd asked and done, but he was too tired to care at the moment. Jim's body was rigid with tension. Bones rolled over and wrapped his arm around Jim in attempt to relax his best friend.

It only took Bones a couple of moments to fall asleep.

 

***

 

Jim was freaking out. His best friend was snuggling against him and Jim found himself loving it. Snuggling. He was aware that he shouldn't cherish these touches, but Jim couldn't help himself. There were so many things wrong with this. First, Bones was his best friend. Not his boyfriend. Second, they were cuddling. And last, Jim was loving it.

Bones' head was resting on Jim's chest, and his arm wrapped around Jim's waist. The man was clutching him. Jim let his body slowly relax. Bones had fallen asleep in mere seconds; Jim had never seen anyone fall asleep this quickly. Bones must have been exhausted, but he was also a CMO. The man was used to short naps. There wasn't any time to waste on lying awake in bed. 

With shaking hands Jim slowly petted Bones' hair. He was scared that his friend would wake up and tell him that he was being a pervert and to fuck off. Jim wasn't a pervert, no, he was just waiting for the much needed sleep to come and overtake his consciousness.

No one had ever held Jim like this; no one had cuddled him like this. The only people Jim had shared a bed with had been there for the sexual part of 'sleeping together' not the actual sleeping in the bed together. This was new to Jim, and truth to be told he was clueless of what to do with the situation.

It felt nice; just lying there holding someone. It was comforting. After a while Jim's eyelids started to drop, and he didn't resist the overwhelming need to sleep.

The world faded and Jim slept and his dreams were filled with his best friend's face.

 

***

Something warm was lying against Jim. It was a warm body of a male. For a moment Jim was confused; he couldn't recall a party or any drinking before he went to sleep. Realisation dawned to him. This was Bones. Jim Kirk was cuddling his best friend. The two of them had tangled up during their sleep.

Bones' head still resting on his chest, his leg was on top of Jim's leg. Jim blinked a couple of times, how had they ended up here again? His brain wasn't catching up, but then he remembered. The memories, Bones' coma, Tarsus, and sleeping in the bed. Jim wanted to go back to his sleepy state and forget about all the bad things.

Jim didn't want to let go of Bones, but it would be awkward for both of them if Bones woke up now.

Jim caressed his best friend's face. He traced the lines of his jaw, his nose, and his lips. It was almost too intimate for Jim. He knew Bones was good looking, but he'd never realised that the man was attractive. 

What the hell was he thinking? Bones was his best friend and nothing else; they could never be together. The thought of Bones wanting him in that way was ridiculous. 

This probably was some stupid crush because he'd always looked up to Len and now that he'd found out Bones' real identity. It was normal for him to experience those feelings Jim reasoned. 

These feelings hadn't been there before, this was just his mind playing tricks on him. And even if Jim had harboured those feelings before he'd know about Bones' past on Tarsus IV. They were best friends and Jim couldn't lose him. Jim valued the friendship more than some stupid crush. Things would turn awkward and they would lose sight of each other, and then one day their friendship would be over.

Jim sighed and he felt defeated. The man untangled their limbs and got out of the bed without waking Bones. The doctor really was exhausted, he moved around the bed and started clutching the pillow Jim had been sleeping on. Bones continued his slumber in peace.

The loss of the comfort was already getting to Jim, he fought the temptation to return to the bed and snuggle with his best friend. No, he shouldn't be thinking these things and he shouldn't do what he did that moment.

Jim leaned down and planted a chaste peck on his best friend's cheek. 

Jim's eyes widened, he quickly ran out of Bones' quarters, and he immediately regretted this decision as he still looked like someone who'd just gotten out of bed. His entire uniform was rumpled, he forgotten his shoes, and he'd the worst case of bed head. It was too late to run back to Bones' room, someone had already seen him.

Jim stood face to face with Spock; the Vulcan eyed Jim's ruffled clothes and lack of shoes. 

'This isn't what it looks like, Spock.' That was really the best thing to say in this scenario. The Vulcan raised his eyebrow skeptically and the man was actually smirking.

'Good morning, Captain. I have not stated anything about your appearance, so you cannot deny what I have not said yet. That is illogical.' Jim rolled his eyes. Of course, his friend would say something like that. Jim started to straighten his clothes, but it was a lost cause.

'Captain, I suggest you should put on some shoes... and change your uniform if you want to start your shift. Don't forget them the next time you sleep with Dr McCoy.' The Vulcan continued his stroll, and seemingly unfazed by Jim's gaping. Jim's face turned bright red; the man was flustered.

Jim spluttered 'I...I..No..that..we weren't...' he gave up on saying anything and quickly made his way to his quarters. Jim wished that Spock wouldn't tell anyone about this. He shuddered, no, he didn't want to be questioned by Uhura or anyone else on that matter.

Jim didn't encounter any other souls on his way to his quarters; he quickly changed clothes and washed his face. The quarters felt empty and Jim felt alone all of the sudden. Jim imagined a pair of strong arms around him, cuddling him and Bones holding him in his bed. He had never realised that he'd wanted to have those things.

He wanted someone to hold him every single night, he wanted someone to come home to. No, he didn't want Bones, he just wanted someone as reliable as Bones. 

The Captain finished making himself look presentable, and made his way to the Bridge for the first time since Bones' memories had evaded all of their thoughts.

This was going to be a long day. Jim sighed darkly; he probably wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything besides Bones wrapped up against him. And how good it felt.


	5. Chapter 5

The door of the turbolift swished open revealing the Bridge and her crew. Everyone was working at their stations; it was quiet time. Nothing special was happening, there was a nice working spirit going on. 

Lt. Uhura was telling a joke to Chekov, and the young man smiling brightly. Those two got along well Bones mused. It was obvious. Instantly after they'd boarded the Enterprise for her five year mission Uhura and Chekov had bonded. It was funny to see how people would bond together; just if the situation was right.

Just like his friendship with Jim. The two wouldn't have met each other "again" if they hadn't sat down next to each other on the shuttlecraft. Life was weird that way.

No one really bothered to look up who entered the Bridge. It's common for officers to randomly appear to talk to their Captain or someone else. The only person who noticed his entrance was Jim, of course. The man always made sure he knew who was on the Bridge. Jim knew most of the crew by name. He was too damned nice and he cared too much about all these people. 

'Bones?' Jim's eyebrows rose; he was obviously confused by his best friend's presence.

This was the first time since the 'memory incident' that Bones had returned to the Bridge, he was the damned CMO, he had duties to fulfil. Hiding wasn't an option if he didn't want to lose his rank. Bones just couldn't lose anything else right now.

The loss of his dignity was bad enough. Even though Bones wasn't on duty for the next three days, he demanded to know more what had happened. 

Jim had patiently told him that they didn't know much yet, but it had been several days since the incident and two days since Bones woke up all alone in that bed.

These people were supposed to be geniuses; they should have figured it out. Perhaps they were even hiding something from Bones, convinced that their CMO was too fragile to handle this information right now.

Bones scowled; they would probably think that. "Too fragile, my ass." Bones thought to himself.

Suddenly, everyone that was on the Bridge was looking at him. Some were concealing it rather poorly, others were just openly staring at him before quickly turning back to their work. Bones should have thought this through, most of the people who were on the Bridge right now had been there when the 'memory incident' happened.

That meant that they had seen everything. Knew every major moment or event of his life. That struck him to his core.

Exposed, that's how Bones felt. Those people didn't see him as their well-respected CMO and best friend of the Captain anymore. No, they saw him as the broken man; the man who'd lost everything and who was a survivor of the horrors on Tarsus IV. 

'What's going on, Bones? Are you all right?' Jim cared so much that was evident. He rushed over and started checking Bones for any obvious injuries. Bones gently shoved Jim away and shook his head.

'I'm fine, Jim. I just want answers. I want to know what happened to me right now.' 

All the members of the present crew were eavesdropping. All of them extremely curious, couldn't they mind their own damned business? Oh no, they couldn't. They knew all about Bones' business. He shouldn't have made such a fuss; though Jim couldn't deny his request now. Bones' goal was achieved. 

Jim remained silent for a while and stared at him. They were so close to each other. At times like this Bones had to fight the urge to kiss Jim right there. Bones shook his head, he had to focus on being mad, not on Jim and his perfect kissable lips. Jim seemed to be in a loss of words, not sure what to say to his friend. 

Luckily, Spock was also present on the Bridge, and he started talking. 

'Dr McCoy, the Captain and I will discuss these matters with you... in private.' Spock turned to Mr. Sulu and ordered 'Take the conn, Mr. Sulu.' Things were going a bit too fast for Bones. He'd anticipated a struggle; that they weren't going to tell him anything at all. Spock just helped him out.

Strange, but he wasn't going to question it right now. 

'Aye, Commander,' Mr. Sulu confirmed and sat down on the captain's chair. 

Jim still hadn't said anything, and his skin was a few shades paler than it was before. His expression screamed 'guilt'. The curiosity was driving Bones insane. Jim hadn't done this on purpose, had he? No, Jim would never do something like that willingly. What had he done anyway?

'Gentlemen, if you would like to follow me, please.' Jim and Bones followed Spock towards the turbo lift in silence. Bones ignored the feeling of a dozen pairs of eyes watching them intently. 

The three of them remained silent for their entire walk toward the conference room. The ship was calm; most of the crew was sleeping since it was early in the morning. Once they finally entered the room and closed the door behind them Jim spoke.

'Bones, we messed it up.' What did that mean? Jim and Spock sat down at the table; they waited for Bones to sit across of them. Bones' hands started sweating slightly. Honestly, he didn't want to know what had happened to him and just forget the entire ordeal, but he couldn't. 

'What did you do, Jim?' Bones' best friend was ashamed, his shoulders were shagged, his usual confidence had slipped away, and he wasn't meeting Bones' eyes.

'Jim?' Bones started to get worried, not worried about what happened, but concerned for his best friend. Jim always took all responsibility for these things, he would bottle it all up until everything went out of control. Bones would be the one to pick up the pieces and fix him up. Like he always did.

Bones had to talk his best friend out of this guilt trip before things started to go wrong again. His performance as a captain wouldn't be affected in any way, but Jim would shut out his closest friends and do something stupid. As example, nearly dying while trying to save the earth. 

'This incident happened, because we were careless. The ambassador requested the best doctor on this ship to come to the Bridge... naturally we chose you. We didn't question why, since there hadn't been any indicators that they would scan your memories.' Spock sighed, Bones must have been mistaken because he looked... annoyed by his own errors. 

Spock continued, 'It was a test. The ambassador went through your memories to see if you are a pure human. That your intentions were good.' Bones frowned; he was confused. Why was he only affected by this? Spock was about to continue his explanation, but Jim nodded towards the Commander and said:

'The healers, as they call them down there, are seen as...gods is the most accurate description. Their rank is higher than the national sovereign. The healers are treated and seen as perfect beings. So their intentions have to be pure. That is why he scanned you. Their goal was to make sure your intentions were pure, because the ambassador saw you as the highest rank of human-being aboard the Enterprise.' 

'We didn't realise they would do this to you. Otherwise we've warned you or done something about it. We were stupid and I'm really sorry.' Jim added, even though Bones felt the anger rising, he pushed it down. He wanted to comfort Jim. He would always be Bones' number one priority, no matter what.

'I'm so sorry, Bones.' Jim repeated.

Bones took a deep breath; trying to stop his temper from bursting out 'It's okay, Jim.' 

'Why would it be okay, Bones?' Bones sighed deeply. He knew that Jim was going to be difficult and they hadn't even talked about Tarsus IV. Bones had been thinking about that a lot. The two of them really needed to figure out where they stood. Bones thought back to the feeling of Jim's warm body against his; he'd missed the man when he'd woken up all alone in his bed.

'It's not your fault, Jim. You couldn't have known that they were going to read my past like an open book... and show everyone the damned pages.' Bones argued; he still didn't know how to act around the rest of the crew. So, Bones had hidden in his room for a couple of days. Two times he had left his quarters to visit Jim, but both times he hadn't been in his quarters. The first time, Bones had put Jim's shoes in the drawer and left again. The second time, he had waited outside for a couple of minutes. 

Where the hell had Jim been hiding? Bones didn't actively look for his best friend after that. He had isolated himself from all human life for the last couple of days. Most of the time he had been sleeping; Bones was still tired even after all that sleeping. He had been all alone with his treacherous thoughts.

'Did I pass?' Jim raised his eyebrows; obviously startled by the question. 

He quickly recovered and uttered 'Yeah, of course you did.' Spock was observing the two men; the Vulcan had barely said a word. Bones had noticed that, but decided to ignore it.

'Good.' Bones got up from the chair; he needed to be alone right now. Bones couldn't express his emotions in front of them. Bones never cried in front of other people, he had to be alone for that.

'Where are you going, Bones?' Jim looked like a kicked puppy and he seemed to be puzzled by Bones' actions. Jim also got up and apparently intended to be with Bones; to support him. 

Bones needed to be alone right now, even if he was alone for just a couple of minutes.

'I...uh..just gotta go now.' 

***

Everyone knew. They had felt and seen what Bones had experienced. The urge to eject himself in space with an escape pod was nearly too tempting. He'd lost all of his dignity and respect for the matter. To say that Bones felt like shit was an massive understatement. He was absolutely miserable. 

Bones had known that the Bridge crew had seen bits and pieces. Although Jim had left out that they also had experienced all of it. Jim had lied to him. The feeling of betrayal and hurt still stung, but Bones understood Jim's reasoning.

Luckily, not everyone had seen it. Only the people who'd been present on the Bridge during the 'memory incident' had witnessed Bones' memories. That was better than the entire freaking starship knowing it. Jim had assured him no one would tell his secret. Truth to be told, Bones didn't believe that for one bit. 

It wasn't as if Bones didn't trust those people with his life daily, but people gossiped. They all did, and this couldn't stay quiet. Soon or later it would get out; this couldn't be avoided.

Bones had rushed away from the conference room. At the moment he was sitting in the observing deck. The place was deserted at this time of the day, and if some yeoman would bother him, Bones would just kick them out. So now and then rank could be awesome.

In general Bones rarely used his rank to pull stunts like that, but this was a special occasion. He needed to figure out his thoughts. What was the best thing to do, and work out how he should act around his friends? 

Bones knew Jim was looking for him, and he would want to comfort his best friend or at least attempt to. Bones was having mixed feelings; he didn't know whether he wanted Jim here with him or not. The man closed his eyes and pictured the impossible. Jim wrapping his arms around him, and just holding him close. 

The memory of Jim sleeping in his bed with him surfaced his mind; he longed for that moment to return. Just be able to be that close to Jim. 

After all these years of wanting his best friend in a non-platonic way. Bones had become a little desperate. It was pathetic. There had been times in the past when Bones had dated. In an attempt to get over his best friend. He'd dated several people, but the connection just hadn't been there. A real relationship needed a connection. Bones didn't do casual sex; he wanted something real. A relationship was something intimate, and Bones couldn't just throw that around.

He'd slept with several men, women, and even some blasted Andorians. No, that wasn't an experience that he'd like to repeat any time soon. The thought of the memory made Bones shudder. He'd never been that sore in his entire life; it had taken a long time to properly recover from that. 

Bones had vaguely mentioned his dating experiences to Jim. Hoping to get some kind of jealous reaction from this best friend. Naturally, Jim had congratulated him. The man had never shown any signs of jealously; like the proper best friend.

Bones sighed darkly, he was avoiding the matter that needed to be pondered about. Bones could never leave the Enterprise; he'd friends here, a life here... Jim was here, and Bones would always follow him no matter where he went. He hoped that Jim would never go anywhere where Bones couldn't follow him. 

Although he was aware that; that day would come one day. At some point in his life; Jim would do something stupid, and get himself killed. Bones dreaded that day more than his own passing.

Why did he care so much?

Somehow, he would have to get his shit together, and then no one would question him. Bones had to act like nothing had happened, and that all was well. Bones would have to work hard, and he had to remain professional around his colleagues. No one would blame him if he scolded at some more crewmen. It would probably abnormal if he didn't at least lecture some of them.

That matter was resolved; he had to act like nothing had happened. Then, hopefully, things would be all right around the crew. It would take time to get everything back to normal, but his respect would remain intact. The dignity would follow in the future.

The other problem that needed to be figured out was how he was going to act around his friends. What would he tell him? Surely some of them would question him, or worse try to comfort him. 

For years people had attempted to comfort him, but Bones hadn't allowed them. Tarsus IV had damaged him in so many ways, after he'd lost both Jamie and Sammy, Bones had started pushing people away. Jamie was Jim. He hadn't lost Jim, not really. 

They had found each other after all these years, but that didn't make the hurt go away. The years of blaming himself for their endings didn't suddenly dissolve into nothing. The hurt had remained. It would only take time for it to lessen.

Bones hadn't let people in to comfort him since... Jamie. The only person he'd let come close to him after Tarsus was Jim. So officially, he hadn't let anyone in since Jamie. Since Jamie and Jim were the same person.

God, all of this was confusing Bones.

The thought of Jim being Jamie still freaked him out. Bones was having trouble with wrapping his head around it. Bones had been so sure that Jamie had passed away. Murdered by the peacemakers. That the blond scrawny boy had ended like Sammy. 

Bones pushed the memory of Sammy's fate away. No, he couldn't think of that. It hurt too much.

In hindsight Bones should have realised that Jamie was Jim. From the beginning of their friendship Jim had felt familiar to him in some way. Back then Bones had told himself the feeling of familiarity was there, because both of them had nowhere to go. No one to go to. Both alone in this massive scary universe. The connection between the two people in his life was never made, up until now of course.

What could he say to his friends? What would they want to know? Spock wouldn't question him; he wasn't the one to pry with question. Although occasionally Spock could be very blunt, but most of the time he knew when to keep his mouth shut.

Uhura would most definitely question him, but she wouldn't approach him about certain matters. She knew her boundaries. Uhura would be the most understanding of them all. Bones wished that she would get the reason why he didn't tell her, but she probably would understand him. That she realised that Bones hadn't been able to tell the truth to anyone. 

Sulu and Chekov wouldn't question him, even though they were a tight group. They knew when they had to back off. Bones wondered if anyone had guessed Jamie's identity. As far as he knew; no one had figured it out yet. Was Jim going to tell them the truth?

The stares were going to be the worst, his friends would start looking at him in a different light. Bones wasn't the doctor anymore; he would be the survivor. 

The doors swished open, Bones was about to scare the intruder away, but then Jim entered. He had probably used his comm to track his best friend down. The only reason the doctor hadn't turned the blasted thing off was that he was the CMO.   
The CMO of the starship had to have his comm turned on at all times. Stupid Starfleet regulations. 

When there was a red alert; he would be the first to know. He had to know. Those couple of seconds could save a life. Usually the Bridge would contact him on his comm to inform how many injured were on their way or what to expect from the situation. Bones was grateful for this, he had several seconds more to figure out the best course of action. 

The medical equipment could be set up; everything would be ready for the patient. 

Jim walked over to where Bones was sitting on the floor. Jim sat down next to him. Neither of them greeted the other; they remained silent for a while. Jim was close, and Bones felt the heat radiating of his best friend's body.

Bones was the first to break the silence between, by saying, 'You lied to me.'

'I...I'm sorry Bones.' Jim sounded so sincere; Bones nearly forgot about all of his anger and forgave Jim right there. Nearly was not enough. The fact remained that Jim had lied to him.

'Why?' 

'Why...what?' Jim shifted so they were facing each other. 

'Why did you lie to me?' Jim was close. Too close. His face was just inches away from Bones'. This made it difficult for Bones to concentrate properly. He couldn't help but looking in his eyes and quickly glance at Jim's lips. Bones' eyes met Jim's once again. His heart was pounding in his chest. Had Jim noticed it?

'Bones... I think, you know why I lied. I didn't want to worry you. I wanted you to get better.' It sounded as if Jim had practised this line in front of the mirror. Normally, the man would struggle with his words. Bones kind of adored Jim for his inability to have emotional conversations.

It was cute how Jim would stumble over his words, once in a while it could frustrate Bones to no end though. Jim really did try his best. 

'You said...people saw "bits" of my past. You didn't say that they had the full experience at Bones Entertainment Inc.'

Jim could be very frustrating; he was unbearable sometimes.

The feelings Bones harboured for Jim were permanent. He'd come to terms with that fact a couple of years ago. Bones would stay with him until the very end or when the man would sent him away.

This was true love after all.

Was it? Bones' feelings towards his best friend were more extreme than the long disappeared feelings for Jocelyn. This wasn't the right time to ponder over whether it was true love or not.

'Jim...I understand why you lied to me,' Bones sighed and continued 'but I can't have you lying to me. You're the only one I truly trust...I need you to be honest with me.' "Even though I'm not honest with you about my feelings" that last part was left unsaid. 

'...I won't lie anymore. I promise. I...uh... trust you more than anyone...too.' Bones had to repress the urge to snort; Jim could get his tongue tied so easily. It was sweet though; Jim really did rely on him in so many ways. Bones was still frightened that he wasn't the right person for Jim. That he would end up hurting Jim too, like everyone in Jim's life. 

Jim really didn't have a good track record regarding friendships. 

'I promise too.' Bones decided he would tell the truth about everything, and if Jim asked him about his feelings; he would tell Jim the truth.

After a while Bones asked 'Are we ever going to talk about...you know...Tarsus?' Bones was aware that his friend was putting it off. But they had to get it over with. The curiosity was nearly killing him. How had Jim survived? More questions had started to appear in his mind ever since he found out about Jim's identity.

Did Jim know about his brother's fate? Bones didn't want to tell Jim about that memory, but if Jim asked he would tell him the truth. Bones would probably leave out the details; he hadn't thought back to that memory in ages. The doctor had repressed that memory for years, since it was too terrible to bear. 

Whenever Bones had nightmares about his time on Tarsus IV. It involved the day of Sammy's fate. How he'd found Sam. The image of the broken body on the cold hard ground was still burned on his eyelids. There had been night when he hadn't been able to sleep, and the memory haunting him until he'd turned to the bottle. Though seldom he actually drank until he was properly drunk.

'Soon.' Jim replied and startled Bones out of his thoughts.

No more words were spoken after that; none were needed. The pair watched the stars; thinking about what's to come. Things needed to be dealt with. Those were important matters. Not now. 

Bones had to deal with the fact that loads of people knew his deepest and most guarded secrets. Jim and Bones needed to talk about their past together; talk about Tarsus. Bones was in for the emotional ride. Whether he liked it or not. Old repressed memories would be remembered, the realisation of finding someone again after such a long time needed to be coped with.

The two of them leaned on the other; like they had done for years. Things were going to get complicated, oh so complicated. Bones had no idea what would happen to their friendship, would it remain? Would their friendship get stronger or weaker? Would things get awkward?

Neither of them had any clue what was going to happen in the future. 

It didn't matter right now, since they had each other, and they could take on the universe together.

Bones wasn't alone in this. He had Jim. Bones had the man he loved at his side, even though Jim didn't know that.


	6. Chapter 6

Bones was sitting in the mess hall, the place was nearly deserted, going through all of his unread emails while slowly. He noticed that someone was approaching him, and that someone was no one other than Christine Chapel.

'Hello, Leonard.' The woman put down her tray on the table and sat down on the chair opposite of Bones. She wanted to talk; her body language showed it. Bones sighed and put his PADD down.

'Hi, Christine. How are you doing?' Bones didn't mind her presence, they were pretty good friends after all, but he didn't feel like having an emotional talk about his flashbacks. Bones only wanted to talk to Jim, but his best friend was too busy or he was avoiding him. Bones wasn't really sure.

They had seen each other three times since he had been released from Sickbay, but they hadn't been able to talk. Someone always was around or Jim had to leave suddenly. Damnit Jim. All in all, he just didn't feel up for an emotional talk, because Bones liked talking about feelings as much as Jim. Quite a pair they made.

'I'm doing fine, how about you?' The woman munched on an apple; she was relaxed, but was eyeing Bones with mild curiosity. 

'I'm okay, still tired and stuff, but I can't wait to get back to work.' Bones was certain that Christine was about to drop the bomb. He prepared for questions about the flashback. And she really dropped a bomb on him.

'Why did you never tell me you and Jim are a couple?' What? Bones hadn't seen that one coming, it was the complete opposite of what he'd been expecting. 

Bones was dumb struck; he could only stare at the Christine. Was this some kind of joke? Christine expectantly raised her eyebrows; waiting for an answer that Bones didn't have. Bones' face reddened. The blush was really going to please Christine. 

'We..what...Jim and...I are not together!' This was surreal, why would she honestly think that they were together? Who was pulling a prank on him? This couldn't be happening.

'You don't have to lie to me. I've noticed it a while ago. I wasn't sure until a couple of days ago. You know. You two in the Sickbay. Jim didn't leave your bedside the entire day. Until you woke up and then you're about to kiss when I entered... Sorry about that, but honestly... Why did you never tell me? Senior Officers are allowed to be in a relationship with each other, so why are you guys hiding it?' 

Baffled, Bones could only stare at his friend. She couldn't be serious right? Bones was very subtle about his feelings towards his best friend, so she couldn't have noticed that? Or had people realised what the last flashback had meant. Bones scoffed at himself; he had been transparent in that freaking flashback.

'You are kidding, right?' Christine was about to say something, but on the look on her face said it all. She honestly believed it. Bones said 'Christine, honestly. Jim and I...we are just friends. We weren't going to kiss. What the hell are you going on about. It's ridiculous.' He would never feel in that way for me was left unsaid; if he would say that out loud she would know his secret.

This situation was crazy. How could anyone believe that Jim would care for him in that way? Was he being as subtle about the feelings he harboured for Jim as he thought? Bones was pretty certain that everyone who'd been on the Bridge during the 'memory incident' had a sneaking suspicion now. They couldn't have missed it. The last memory had been freaking obvious. 

'I'm not lying, Christine. We're best friends. Always will be and nothing more than that. Nothing is going on between us.' Shit, Christine must have noticed the bitterness in Bones' voice, as her eyes glinted with a knowing look. Bones didn't mind that his close friends were aware of the truth, but the more people knew the chances were bigger that Jim would find out by accident. And admitting it out loud would make it real. It would become undeniable after that.

'Do more people think we're together?' Saying that Bones was internally freaking out, and that was an understatement. 

'There has been a lot of gossip about the two of you... since we boarded the ship all these years ago,' Christine paused and emitted a deep sigh; she continued 

'Would I be right if I assumed... that you... indeed harbour any "non-platonic" feelings for Jim?'

People gossiped about the nature of their relationship, they had been doing that for years. Bones didn't know what to think of that. 

'You wouldn't be wrong to assume that.' He couldn't say it out loud, no, that would make this mess real. If Bones were to admit out loud that he had, in fact romantic feelings for his best friend it would be real. Once it would have been said denial wouldn't be possible anymore; it would be real that Bones was in love with James Tiberius Kirk. The friend he'd lost all these years ago, but also his best friend right now.

It was all so confusing at the moment.

'I'd appreciate it, if you didn't tell anyone.' He still hadn't actually said it out loud, but it felt more real already.

'Of course.'

***

Today was Bones' first day back to work. He had dreaded to return to work, but was also looking forward to be above to get back into his old routines. Hopefully things would return back to normal once he was back in his routine.

Nurse Chapel greeted Bones when he entered the Medical Bay, 'Hi, Doctor McCoy. How are you doing?' She was cleaning her desk with precision. It was evident that she liked order and neatness. 

'Hi, Nurse. I'm well. Glad to get back to work. How about you?' He picked up his PADD, and went through the latest medical files. It was easy to slid back into the familiar routine, but something felt off. Perhaps, it was the way Christine was carefully watching him, she knew the truth after all. Their conversation of a couple days before had been odd, but she had promised to keep her mouth shut. 

Nothing interesting to read had taken place in the Medical Bay when Bones had been resting. Bones put the PADD back feeling a little deflated; he'd been looking forward to read some interesting cases.

Nurse Chapel smiled at him, Bones couldn't help but feel relieved that his first shift was with her. The two of them were close, and Bones could rely on her. Also she was smart enough not to ask too many question. Christine knew that he didn't like to share personal information with people. 

'I'm doing fine, it's good to have you back.'

Before either of them could continue their conversation, two people entered. A lieutenant and a yeoman. Bones recognized the lieutenant, his name was Franks. 

Franks was clutching his arm; he was bleeding. Bones asked 'What happened to you?' He nodded to the yeoman. The yeoman smiled gratefully and left the Medical Bay. 

'A few crewmen and I were doing repairs on one of our shuttlecrafts. We're lifting something, a cable snapped... and then a girder fell on my arm. It wasn't very heavy, but the edges were sharp hence the cut on my arm. Luckily... the others lifted it off me.' The officer explained; the man was too pale for Bones' liking. Probably from the shock.

'Lieutenant Franks, right?' The man nodded in confirmation. Bones and Jim had shared a few classes with the guy back during their time at the Academy. If Bones recalled it correctly, Jim and Franks had done a project together one time. It had been for the Shuttle Piloting class. Bones hadn't known the guy had been assigned to the Enterprise as well. 

The world was small like that sometimes.

'Okay, Lieutenant. Lie down on the biobed, please.' Bones gestured to the bed, the man obliged and lied down on the bed. 

'Will my arm be all right, Doctor McCoy?' This question was frequently asked to him. Everyone always was so scared of losing their arm or their leg, but they wouldn't have to worry though. 

The technology of this century was marvellous, even if one of their limbs had to be amputated there were alternatives. You could get properly working synthetic body parts, truth to be told Bones didn't like the idea of being a part robot.

Bones started scanning Franks with his tricorder, meanwhile he was observing the injury closely himself. It wasn't as if Bones didn't trust the equipment; he just preferred to see it all by himself. His experiences on Tarsus IV had caused this. 

Bones had to see things with his own eyes before he properly believed in them. So now and then, it would be annoying not being able to rely on others or technical equipment, but Bones believed it made him a better doctor.

'Hmm. It's some nasty injury you've got there, but with some regenerating your arm will be as good as new. There's no damage done on the nerve system... nor your muscles. So consider yourself lucky.' Bones started the regeneration process on the Lieutenant. The process only took a couple of minutes.

Nurse Chapel was still cleaning up her desk, but there was a small smile on her lips. Bones was glad that he didn't have any trouble getting back into his routine; it was so easy to treat a patient. It reassured the man that something had remained the same, even though everything had changed.

Franks beamed or well tried to, but it came out as a grimace. Bones still appreciated the effort.

'You're all set,' Bones put down his medical equipment, and continued, 'You will experience some aches for about four days. You're not permitted to lift anything, try to use your arm as little as possible. The less you use it, the faster it heals. If your arm starts hurting a lot or the aches haven't ended on Monday. I want you to report to the Sickbay immediately.' 

Bones turned around and walked over to the medicine cabinet. The doctor retrieved the right antibiotics for Lt. Franks.

Once he returned to the bed; Franks was still lying patiently. 

'You can get up.' Frank did what he was told; Bones added 'Take these once a day either before breakfast or dinner.' 

Frank nodded and said 'Thank you so much for the help, Doctor. I'm grateful for your help.'

This was what Bones worked for; he helped people, and took care of them. This profession fulfilled his life. He saved lives on a daily basis. He made sure hundreds of crewmen would return to Earth healthy and uninjured. Bones was grateful that he'd discovered his love for helping so early on in his life. It genuinely made him happy.

Bones smiled his mood had instantly improved. He said, 'It's no problem. Just take care of yourself. I don't want you back here. You'll be all right if you rest enough. You're on light duty for the rest of the week. You're dismissed.'

'Really thanks, Doctor. Have a nice day!' The Lieutenant left, and Bones cleaned up the medical supplies.

Perhaps things would be fine after all. The rest of his shift Bones wore a small smile on his face. Nothing went wrong during his shift. 

It was a good thing to be back into his old routine.

 

***

Bones sat down with his tray of food in the mess hall. He joined Spock, Uhura, and Chekov. Two of them seemed to be surprised when Bones sat down at their table. Spock merely raised his eyebrows, but remained quiet.

'Hi...guys.' Bones was nervous all of the sudden; he shouldn't have sat down with them. He should have stayed in his room, and should have eaten some food from the replicator. No, he couldn't continue hiding from his friends. Bones had to deal with the consequences if he ever wanted his normal life back.

He wanted to be able to be relaxed around his friends again, and not having to stress out at the thought of talking to them. 

The three people greeted him, all of them in a different manner. Uhura greeted him with his first name, Chekov uttered 'Doctor.', and Spock greeted him with his full rank.

Bones hated being called Lieutenant-Commander; he was a Doctor damnit.

'How are you doing, Bones?' Uhura asked, her voice was uncertain. Apparently the others didn't know how to act properly around him either. This conversation could end up being very awkward and uncomfortable if Bones said something wrong. Uhura waited patiently for his response as she munched on her dinner.

'I'm fine. Glad to be back at work. Today was my first day back. How are y'all?

'I'm doing great. Jim gave me the day off tomorrow. I'm going to translate some Klingon literature tomorrow.' Uhura excitedly said, her passion for languages always amazed Bones. She could go on for hours about the dialects and alphabets of all the languages she knew. She was perfect for Communications. 

'I'm good, Doctor.' Chekov replied; the guy was finally getting over his puberty phase. The man started to look more mature.

Spock answered, 'I'm well, Dr McCoy.'

The group remained silent for a while. None of them was really sure what to do with the situation.

Uhura finally broke the silence by saying 'Jim tripped today.' Bones raised his eyebrow, he stared at his friend in confusion. Beside him, Chekov was grinning like a madman.

'What?'

'Jim was really distracted for some reason,' Uhura gave Bones a very meaningful look. Bones didn't know why she was looking at him like that. It wasn't as if Jim's distraction was caused by him.

Uhura continued talking, 'Nothing was happening. So the Captain started pacing around the Bridge. Checking everyone, and having small chats with the members of the crew. Suddenly, he fell on the floor. Like out of nowhere.' Bones had to repress the urge to snicker; Jim could be very clumsy when he was distracted.

One time during their stay at the Academy when Jim had been extremely stressed out over one test. Jim had walked into the door, and then had proceeded to fall down the stairs. Bones had been worried at first, he'd quickly rushed over to his best friend. 

Of course, Jim had been perfectly fine, apart from some bruises. Bones had teased him endlessly after that event. Bones had started making jokes about the accident when other people were around. He would say things like "Jim, don't walk into the door!" when Jim went out with friends. 

Jim would get all flustered, and he would shove Bones lightly. Sometimes Bones really missed the carelessness of their time during the Academy. There wasn't any responsibility or hundreds of lives depending on them. 

Uhura added 'You should have seen it. It was hilarious. He quickly scrambled up, and ordered everyone not to laugh... Obviously everyone started to laugh even more. He got really flustered... it was adorable.' Bones could imagine Jim getting up and acting as if nothing had happened. 

Slowly, a smile appeared on his face.

'Yeah, the Captain rushed off the Bridge short after it happened. It was really funny, but I also felt a little bad for him.' Chekov said, there was an easy smile on his face.

'I hope his nose was all right, and it was bleeding when he left the Bridge.'

Bones wished that he'd have witnessed that; well perhaps he could tease Jim later. The doctor couldn't help but feel a little worry for his best friend, Jim tended to get hurt a lot.

As if on cue Jim appeared in the mess hall. Apparently he had changed uniform since there weren't any blood stains on his shirt or face. Bones knew that since in the past Jim had shown up all bruised and battered. The guy had the worst nosebleeds one could imagine. Once Jim's nosebleed had lasted for longer than an hour.

'Speaking of the devil.' Bones stated and everyone at the table followed his gaze. Jim spotted them and waved happily at his friends. He hastily grabbed some food, and made his way to the table.

'Hi, guys!' Jim beamed at his friends, and then his eyes fell on his best friend. 

Jim raised his eyebrows in surprise, but sat down next to Bones as if nothing had surprised him.

Blue eyes met his. 

The realisation hit him once again. Jim was Jamie. 

'Hi, Jim... I heard you tripped over air once again.' Bones teased. The tips of Jim's ears turned red and he coughed awkwardly. The others also greeted their friend as well.

'Uh...yeah.' Jim was about to take a bite of his food, but Bones realised what he was about to eat, and quickly grabbed hold of Jim's arm. 

'Jim! You idiot! You're allergic to that food. Do you have a death wish?' Jim's eyes widened in surprise, and he quickly put down his fork.

'Thanks, Bones...I'll just get some new food.' Bones rolled his eyes and swapped their plates. He was in fact not allergic to any of that food, and his own plate didn't have any food that Jim was allergic to.

'Here, it's a waste of food if you throw that away.' Jim was staring him with an unreadable expression on his face. Everyone at the table was staring at Bones, and he felt on edge, but ignored them nonetheless. 

'Thank you.' Everyone silently ate their food for a minute. Bones wondered why everyone was acting so tense at the moment.

'So Jim, how bad was your nose? What did you trip over anyway?' A small red flush appeared on Jim's face and didn't meet Bones' eyes.

'My...erm...feet.' Jim confessed; it was barely audible, but Bones had caught it anyway. The others at the table had also heard Jim's confession since Uhura and Chekov were snickering. Spock was slightly smirking.

'Sometimes I really do wonder how you managed to become a starship captain.' The others mock-seriously nodded with smiles on their faces.

The easy banter returned, the tension disappeared. Everyone was happily chatting with each other. These moments were the ones Bones adored most of all, they were a real family. They could get along with each other, they really cared, and looked out for each other. It was nice to have a family again.

Ever since the McCoy family had abandoned him; Bones had missed something in his life. Jocelyn barely talked to him, and he only saw her once in the couple of months. Even though these people weren't his blood kin; they were his family. Bones believed that a bond could be equal to or stronger between friends than a familial bond.

For the first time, the hope for normality after the "memory incident" returned to Bones. His friends acted like nothing was wrong. Bones' life would never be sunshine and daisies, but things would be okay again. It would take time, but Bones had the confidence that things were going to get better.

Bones was immensely grateful for that. Perhaps, one day he would sit down with his friends, and tell him about his experiences. Jim could be at his side; they would tell them together. It was still too soon. Things needed to be figured out first, and Bones was still not comfortable enough to share these private matters with his friends.

Bones wondered if Jim would ever tell his friend about his true identity. So many things were still left unresolved. Bones wanted to talk to Jim more than anything.

Jim was staring at him once again; no one was paying any attention to them. All of them were too wrapped up with each other to notice them.

'I didn't expect you here, Bones.' The bright smile Jim directed at him made Bones' heart skip a beat. Jim continued 'Thank you for the food, by the way. You saved me from more awkwardness...and from hypos.' Jim was talking softly; he was nearly whispering to him. Bones was close enough to his best friend to perfectly understand him.

'There is no point in hiding, Jim. It's no problem. I usually get no joy from hypo'ing your ass.' Jim looked offended.

'Usually? That means you enjoy my pain sometimes! I thought you were my best friend!' Jim's voice was somewhat more high-pitched than usual as he accused his best friend. Bones merely shrugged, a smirk played on his lips. 

Bones really loved to tease Jim, it was easy to get the man all riled up. Jim teased him a lot too, it was a thing they had going for each other. Bones didn't remember when the teasing had started.

Both of them laughed at the other. Jim's moods changed faster than the speed of light, suddenly he was seriously looking at Bones.

'Bones... Can we talk... tomorrow night? You know..about...the thing.' Jim was awful at being subtle when he wasn't working as a Captain. It was peculiar how much the man changed, but still remained the same. Bones was glad that he was used to his best friends' mood changes.

'Okay, I'll come over to your room.' Jim smiled warmly at his best friend. Bones' heart started pounding in his chest. Jim smiled the most beautiful smiles in the entire galaxy. His entire face would lit up; Jim's eyes would twinkle with happiness. This particular smile was reserved for Bones. 

For a moment, just a tiny second, Bones forgot all about Jamie, Tarsus IV, and all the drama that had been going on these past few days. The two of them just smiled at each other.

Bones noticed that everyone at the table had fallen silent. Bones broke his gaze with Jim. All of them were watching Jim and Bones. Their expressions were filled with curiosity.

Bones grumbled, and his cheeks reddened by a small blush. The man focused on Jim's plate, his plate, and continued eating.

Beside him Jim cleared his throat; he shifted away from Bones. Did Jim know about Bones' feelings for him? Did the others suspect? They had seen, experienced, and feelings during the "memory incident" after all.

It had been pretty obvious. 

The others resumed their talking. Janice and Christine joined the group. Bones remained silent. He ignored the feeling of paranoia, and observed his friends around him, none of them had acted like he was some survivor. They still acted like he was their friend and nothing else.

Bones met Nyota's eyes, she smiled encouragingly at him. The woman kept observing him during the remainder of the dinner. Occasionally, Jim also glanced at him, as if he was checking if Bones still was doing all right.

Bones sighed darkly, tomorrow seemed too far away, but also too soon. They had to talk; things needed to be said, but it was terrifying. Truths were going to be revealed. Bones was going tell Jim things he'd never told another living being.

Suddenly the two most important people in Bones' life were the same person. How on earth was he supposed to cope with that?

The thought of Jamie alive and well relieved Bones. They had made it through, Tarsus IV hadn't completely destroyed them. The two them had won the impossible battle. 

How had the bright smiling boy turned into the beaten man Bones had met on the shuttlecraft all those years ago?

Both of them had been at the worst point of their lives. Jim had gotten better; he had stopped getting into random drunken bar brawls after his first year. The guy had turned into a real bookworm, always studying, and doing his best. Jim had told him things about his past. The shitty relationship with his mother, the endless fights with Frank, and the drinking of course.

Bones had quit drinking for a while when Jim's problem had become too much for him. Bones had forced his best friend to go to a counsellor. Jim had needed professional help, and Bones couldn't solve Jim's problems all on his own. After a lot of struggling, relapses, and pain the two of them had gotten through all of this together.

Always together.

Bones was startled out of his side when Jim elbowed his side; the doctor glared at his best friend.

'Why are you frowning, Bones?'

'Oh..I uh..was just thinking.'

Jim nodded and didn't press any further. This was why Bones loved their dynamic, Jim knew he would talk to him if he wanted to. The man would never question him.

'Don't hurt yourself,' Jim joked. Bones huffed and rolled his eyes.

'I won't, darlin'.' Bones hadn't intended to call Jim that. Shit, why did he have a foot in his mouth? Quickly, Bones scanned the table, no one had heard him, besides Jim of course.

Jim was looking at him oddly, but he didn't comment on the accidental term of endearment. 

The two of them didn't talk to the other for the rest of the night.


	7. Chapter 7

The mess hall was filled with people, loud, the spirits were high today. They had succeeded their mission. Ferga X had accepted their proposal and had signed the treaty. It had been too long since the Federation had found another source of dilithium crystals. 

The tension disappeared and the celebrations started. The Captain was down on the planeside at the moment. Jim had been reluctant to leave Bones, but he had ordered his Captain to get his ass down there. Bones grumbled; Jim was a stubborn man. 

Only few knew what had really happened on the Bridge that day, miraculously the officers had kept quiet like they had promised. Bones supposed he should have been grateful for that. But his irrational side was still too embarrassed, they had seen things he had never told a single soul. They knew about Tarsus IV, they would never be able to look at him normally. The image of the Tarsus IV survivor was the only thing they would see. 

Bones didn't really see himself as a survivor; he had been a 'hero'. A forgotten hero perhaps, but he had saved dozens of lives.

Jim was Jamie. It still seemed impossible to Bones. They still hadn't managed to get alone, since these last couple of days had been crazy. But Bones was seeing Jim later that night. The negotiations were still going on, the crewmen and the other people involved were celebrating. 

Bones felt a pair of eyes watching him. He didn't bother to look up to find out whom those eyes belonged to.

A familiar figure sat down across the table. Uhura put down her tray. Bones sighed, this had been inevitable.

'So, we don't greet each other anymore, Leonard?' The worry was evident in her voice. She failed to conceal it from Bones. He met her eyes, and she smiled sweetly at him 'Sorry, I was just thinking... Hello Nyota, it's good to see you.' The woman seemed pleased; her back was straightened and her eyes were twinkling. 

Bones envied her sometimes, no, not because of Spock. Nyota had an unique spirit. Her confidence was constant, and it never wavered. She wasn't afraid to call their Captain on his bullshit so now and then. Truth to be told, Jim needed that sometimes.

There was a short silence. Bones moved the food on his plate. He never actually consumed any of his food. Eyes were studying him; Bones could nearly hear her brain working out a plan to approach him. Suddenly, he wanted to say something hurtful and lash out. He was sick and tired of people constantly scrutinizing him, but he had to be the responsible one, as always. 

'You have feelings for him.' Apparently, Uhura had decided to cut to the chase. What was it with people doing that lately? She didn't need to say who they were talking about. The flashbacks had been pretty obvious. Startled by the accusation Bones choked on air. Once he had caught his breath the considered the chances that she would buy any of his excuses and lies. Zero chance. 

Wait, did Jim know? First, Christine had figured it out. Now Uhura had figured it out as well. Had he realised the true nature of Bones' feelings? Was that why they hadn't talked? Was Jim avoiding him?

Alarmed by McCoy's mini panic attack Uhura intertwined their fingers; that reassured him a little bit.

'Does he know?' 

Uhura snorted 'No, of course, he doesn't know. You are his best friend, you know how oblivious he is. It took him three years to figure out, that I was dating Spock. Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.' Bones sighed and he noted that it was indeed true. Jim was pretty much the most oblivious person regarding relationships and feelings Bones had ever met .

'Yes, and the rest of the bridge crew. Only Jim could have missed this.' Bones sighed, he could never face them again. As far as he knew they had experienced his feelings too, and that made it even more embarrassing. Damnit, he was an adult, not a child. He should be able to face his fears, not chicken out every single time he ended up in a difficult situation.

Not a single one of them had in fact made the connection between Jim and Jamie.

Why would they? Bones hadn't known up until the flashback. His best friend always seemed familiar though. Nyota was rubbing small circles with her fingers on Bones' palm, it was rather soothing.

Bones absently wondered if Spock would mind it, since this was seen making out for Vulcans. Uhura had initiated this, so Bones wouldn't be the one to blame.

'They won't say anything. They witnessed an extremely private part of your life - they respect you and Spock threatened them,' Bones, surprised by this. He raised his eyebrows in surprise 'After Jim and Hikaru left the bridge with you. Spock told everyone and I quote "If you bother our CMO or tell anyone what all of you've witnessed. I will have you sent to the nearest space station. Where you will have to remain for a long time." unquote.' 

Then he started ordering people around.' Uhura smiled; it was obvious that she was proud of her lover.

'Wow, thank him for me.' Uhura nodded.

'Will do,' she promised him.

'Now, tell me. When did you know? Why did you never tell me that you had feelings for him?' Bones grew still; what could he say? If he said it out loud it would be actually real. Was he afraid that Uhura might tell someone else? Honestly, he didn't have a straight answer, so he went for his first thought.

'Remember our first year? We had to do fly in a shuttlecraft.' Uhura nodded and Bones continued 'I didn't have to actually pilot it, but I would have to be in it... This time I couldn't get myself smashed, so I had to endure this sober. Jim managed to get into my team...and he talked me through the entire flight. That's when I realised it,' Bones sipped his coffee and continued, 'If I were to admit it out loud... I wouldn't be able to deny it anymore.' 

It wasn't right, he shouldn't have to admit things like this, but things had to be this way, because some asshat had to expose his entire past to more than twenty people.

'I'm... in love with Jim. Here. I said it.' It was finally out. After all these years of carefully hiding it. Bones hadn't know what had been about to happened when he had entered the Bridge. Jim had commed him; told him to come over, and that he was needed for some of the negotiations. 

This had happened before, so he hadn't given it much thought. Once he had entered the Bridge, he started to feel a little dizzy. Then the flashbacks had happened. He winced at the memory of them. Uhura startled Bones' out of his thoughts by squeezing his hand.

'Oh, that's long a long time... Leonard, why didn't you try to move on? Why did you never tell him?' It was weird to have this kind of private conversation in public. No one else paid attention to them anyway. All the crewmen were too busy celebrating and eating their meals to notice them. It would be more suspicious if the two of them were to hide somewhere and talk in private.

'Because... it would ruin our friendship. Jim is my best friend. I'd rather have him as a friend than not at all.' He snorted, then he added, 'Oh, I tried to move on. I really did, I dated several people, you know how that worked out.' Uhura nodded sympathetically at him; her eyes were sad.

'You never gave him the chance. I think you ought to confess this to him. Jim won't judge you... he cares so much about you.'

Bones narrowed his eyes and snapped, 'Yes, let's throw out more secrets. It's not like I haven't done that before. Should I just comm Starfleet and tell them everything? Imagine that, "hey this is the CMO of the USS Enterprise. Yeah I'd like to say that I'm in love with my Captain and that I went to fucking Tarsus IV for god's sakes." ' As soon as he had finished his little rant he regretted it. 

'...I'm so sorry, Darlin'.' Bones apologized, he'd made an ass out of himself. Why did he ruin everything?

'It's okay, you're upset. I get that.' Bones fought the urge to throw things. He'd rather that Uhura would have yelled at him, but instead she had to be all sweet and caring. 

He was being irrational, that was obvious. but let everything be damned. His life wasn't exactly easy at the moment. Bones was allowed to have conflicting emotions. After all, he was only a simple human being. However, Bones appreciated that she had not questioned him about Tarsus IV so far. 

'I'm going to talk to him tonight for the first time since the...incident. The both of us have been very busy.' Uhura slowly let go of his hand. They had to, because people were starting to give them odd looks. 

It wasn't a secret that Nyota and Spock were dating, even though Spock barely let it show. But there were those few moments where the couple openly showed affection for each other. They were perfect for each other. Bones already owed the First Officer for helping him out with the Bridge crew. Upsetting the Vulcan by holding his girlfriend's hand. That really wouldn't be a wise decision. 

'He didn't know that I went to Tarsus...' He wonder why he brought it up, because he'd wanted to avoid this topic in the first place. Bones was sort of lying; he couldn't tell his friend about the whole Jim being Jamie debacle. Surely, Jim wouldn't appreciate it if Bones told people about his secret. Jim trusted him, and Bones would never break his trust.

'He didn't know?' Uhura was taken aback; her voice was slightly higher than usual.

'No, no one knew up until the "memory" incident...' 

 

Uhura remained silent for a while; it was evident that she was pondering on what she could say.

'Did you ever find him...the boy... Sammy?' Of course, she had to ask about that. Bones understood why she was asking. He would have been curious too if he'd been in her shoes. All of this was so confusing. 

'I'd rather not talk about it.' Bones told her truthfully, Uhura quickly nodded.

'Sorry. If you ever need someone to talk to... I'm here.' Bones appreciated the gesture, but he probably wasn't going to take her up for it.

'Thanks, Nyota.'

'Good luck. I know things will turn out fine.'

***

_It had been months since Jamie disappeared. The small boy had never returned from their failed mission. Len had lost the only two people he'd cared for._

_The fact that he was still alive surprised him. At first Len had broken down and hadn't been able to do something. The fourteen year old kid had eaten from the secret stash and stayed in the house._

_The first couple of weeks he'd woken up ready to wake up his friends, but then would realise that he was all alone. All alone on this scary, big planet. No one to protect him, no one to protect, no one to talk to, and no one to aid him with his missions._

_Len hadn't given up on one thing. The missions. He'd kept doing them; saving and treating people, just for the sake of Jamie and Sammy. The presumably dead brothers._

_Len had become more careless, and he'd stopped caring about his own safety a while ago._

_The young teenager had seen other kids like his old friends, they had been lost and alone. Len had made sure that they would get food and safety, but he'd never taken any under his wing. It hurt too much whenever he saw a scrawny blond boy or a tall boy with messy long hair. It reminded him of his friends. It was never them; always some other near-starved kid._

_Len tried to keep his social contact to a minimum; he only talked to people when he was on a mission, but apart from that he'd barely communicated with anyone._

_After Jamie had vanished things had begun getting more dire. Corpses started piling up in public; the stench of death was worse than ever. The food was becoming more scarce, the medicines had completely disappeared, and the diseases became more severe._

_The world was dying._

_Everyone knew that._

_There had been close calls during his missions, too close, but Len couldn't bring himself to care. He'd tried caring about himself, but he didn't see the reason. Everyone he'd loved was dead or far away on another planet. He rarely thought back to his parents, they'd sent him here in the first place. He wondered if they knew what was going on, if they knew Len saw dead bodies several times a day. Decomposing bodies._

_People stopped burying them; it was too much work and everyone was tired._

_People had started dropping dead like flies; it wasn't uncommon when someone just lost consciousness on the street and never woke up. No one even bothered to look up anymore._

_The number of suicides was also increasing; it was the easiest way out for them. Len envied them in some way, those people were able to escape this hell._

_Len would never end his life. All of his fighting would've been useless in the end. Jamie and Sammy would have hated the thought of ending your own life._

_Len wondered if Jamie was with Sammy now; if they were happy together, well fed and loved by their parents._

_Sometimes, Len would realise how little he knew about Sam and Jamie's life. They had consciously made that decision not to tell each other much about their lives, but now, Len regretted it._

_He would have loved to known about their life before Tarsus, where they'd lived on earth, what their parents' profession was, and what their real names were. In the end all those things didn't matter; they were just details. What mattered was that Len had known them. Their personality quirks, their pet peeves, their brotherly love, and their presence._

_That's what was most important, and Len was grateful that he'd experienced those things._

_If Starfleet ever decided to save them. Len would try to find the brothers' parents, and tell them what they did. How they fought against the government and saved people._

_The fourteen year old boy wondered if he would ever be able to sleep again when he left this place. After all that had happened; the boy was still determined to leave this place. To live the life that his friends wouldn't be able to live. Whenever Len tried to fall asleep the images of the dead appeared in his head; their rotting bodies and the smell._

_Len would weep in the empty house. The kid never moved away from the house. He always remained there hoping that one day Jamie would knock on the door and show him the bugs that he had caught. The scrawny boy never appeared in front of the door._

_In some ways it was a good thing that the brothers weren't here to experience these things, they wouldn't have to live with the knowledge that corpses were piled outside. But Len was selfish, he wished that they would have been here, they would have pulled him through this mess._

_The nightmares were becoming more frequent. The terrors were pretty much the same. Jamie or Sammy would have been tied up in the prison, they were tortured and crying out for Len. But the fourteen year old kid would only stand and stare. Unable to move, and he'd tried yelling for them, but he always failed. Often the nightmares would be about Sammy's ending._

_Len was slowly munching on the last of his remaining food. He knew that he'd to steal more, but he was putting it off until it was impossible to survive on what was left._

_This day was like any other day; Len would go to steal food and then he'd share it with the kids. Len had stopped giving food to the adults. The kids needed it more and ate less than them; so Len could feed more mouths with less food._

_Len's body was slowly becoming weaker; he'd started noticing a couple of weeks ago. The boy had more trouble getting up in the morning, and his stomach ached all the time. It was screaming for more food. The boy's reactions were getting more sluggish, and he had more trouble running. Len knew things couldn't go on for much longer like this; he feared the day that he might end up on the list of the dead._

_The boy got up and gathered the last of his food. He started to make his way to the farm. Once outside Len started noticing that it was extremely quiet. There wasn't a single sound. The air smelled different too. The scent of burning was impossible to miss._

_Something was wrong._

_Truth to be told, Len didn't want to know, but he ran towards the smoke after all. The boy reached the edge of the woods; he could clearly see the massive black clouds of smoke. What were people burning? Then it clicked in Len's brain. The peacemakers were burning the corpses._

_Len vomited on the leaves._

_The smell of burning human meat was nearly too much for the boy, but he stood tall and went out to investigate why they were burning them. In all those months the peacemakers had never bothered to get rid of those corpses, why would they suddenly start burning them?_

_Len noticed a woman hiding in the bushes; the red haired woman was as thin as Len, her face hollow, but she was intently studying the peacemakers. She hadn't noticed that Len was observing her from far away. The boy wished that she was on the good side. Normally, Len would have stayed away, but he was too curious to let her be. Len silently approached the hiding woman, she looked up in surprise when she'd heard him walking towards her._

_'What's going on?' Len asked curtly and didn't bother with formalities, no one bothered with them nowadays._

_'They are burning the bodies. I think they are...afraid.' The red haired woman was young. Len guessed she was eighteen years old._

_'Why would they be afraid?' He couldn't imagine any reason why the peacemakers would be afraid. What could they possibly be afraid of?_

_'There's a rumour that Starfleet is coming. That someone has finally reached them, and that they are coming to save us.' The woman was joking, this couldn't be true. No, this couldn't be the truth. Starfleet had abandoned them, and had left them to rot here. Could it be possible that the Federation hadn't known about the situation? They were too fucking late anyway. All the people that had mattered to Len, had been cruelly torn away from him._

_'You're kidding, right?' The woman frowned. She was probably confused that Len wasn't happy, but she didn't know what he'd lost in this place._

_'We're going to be saved. You should be happy.' The woman couldn't understand Len. The boy had lost the only two people that were worth fighting for. He had remained fighting for them even after their deaths._

_'I-I..uh-' Len was cut off by a loud air alarm. The violent sound shocked him. It took Len several seconds to realise that it was the air alarm; it hadn't blasted in ages. The fourteen year old boy had nearly forgotten that the thing existed. The pair of them stood there, completely frozen, and Len didn't have a clue what to do._

_His normal day life wasn't anything like this; his life was a well-practised routine; he didn't need to think for that. Now he had to figure out how to handle this situation. He had to seek cover._

_The red haired woman was long forgotten; she didn't matter to him. He had to take care of himself and get out of here. That's what he'd promised Jamie._

_Len started to panic. He needed to get out of the open, if he would get caught, then all hope would be lost. Len's feet started moving without him realising, and he ran towards the meeting spot. That was a habit he never got rid of._

_The entire town was in chaos; some people were outside dancing and others were fleeing. All of it was a big damned mess. Len was petrified. What was happening to them? Was Starfleet actually rescuing them, or was this the end for all of them?_

_It wouldn't have surprised Len if people would walk around with those ancient ringing cow bells and wooden boards resting on their shoulders, and that the boards would say 'THE END IS NIGH'._

_The boy kept running._

_When Len had finally reached the old meeting spot; he sat down and leaned against the massive tree. He was positively exhausted, and he started waiting. Len waited for hours. The alarm had stopped blaring a long time ago. He just sat there awaiting the next event._

_Several hours later Len woke up, he blinked furiously, because someone was shining a bright light on his face. The boy shot up from his awkward resting place. He still was in the woods, but there were other people as well._

_'We're not going to hurt you. Don't worry.' A woman said, she was wearing a familiar uniform. A Starfleet uniform._

_Tarsus IV was saved. Len didn't know what to do; he wanted to cry in relief, but also yell at those people for being so late. Too late to save Jamie and Sammy, or all the other people who died a painful and slow death._

_'My name is 'Tasha. We're here to help you. What's your name?'_

_'My name is Jamie.' Len didn't know why he'd lied to them, why he'd told them the pseudo alias of his friend. In the end he was glad that he'd lied to them._

_This would never get on his permanent record. A man in a medical uniform started scanning Len with his tricorder. The man started muttering things that sounded like "severe starvation, dehydration, no signs of abuse..." – but the fourteen year old boy didn't listen to them. The only thought that kept repeating itself in Len's head was "you're saved." –_

_Len didn't pay any attention to anything anymore; he let the officers beam him aboard a starship. He let them take care of him, but he didn't say a word to them. They had tried to talk to him, of course, but it didn't help._

_When the ship had arrived, the boy had sneaked away and managed to get home within a couple of weeks. He'd stolen some credits from an officer, and had gotten to the first diner place he could find. Once he'd arrived there he had ordered some food, and he'd taken a couple of bites of his food. It had tasted strange, but it was the best thing he'd ever eaten._

_Although it the food had been delicious, Len didn't get more than a couple mouthfuls into his stomach. After all, the boy had barely eaten anything in the past year, so he'd packed the food and started his journey home._

_Len never told anyone what had happened down there on Tarsus IV. Never cried in front of anyone. Not even in front of his dear mother when she'd embraced him for the first time in over a year._

_His parents had begged for answers, but Leonard had always kept his mouth shut. Never telling them a word of what had happened to him on Tarsus IV. He never told them about Jamie and Sammy or the innocence he'd lost down there._

_They had even tried to get him to talk to a counsellor, but he'd stayed silent.  
When Leonard had turned sixteen he'd begun looking for Jamie's parents, in secret. The teenager had spent days to weeks locked up in his room going through all the archives he'd access to. David McCoy had tried to get his son out of his room, but it had been to no avail._

_The nights had seemed endless. Coffee had kept him awake during those days. There had been nights when Leonard had cried silently in his bed. The night terrors never stopped. On certain anniversaries the nightmares would be worse than ever, and the teenager wouldn't sleep for days. Just not to relive those horrible memories._

_When Leonard had turned nineteen; he'd officially given up on the search and continued living his life._

_In the end Leonard had never found the birth parents of Jamie and Sammy. The databases all said the same thing. Jamie and Sammy didn't exist. None of the names had matched the lists of families._

_They only two friend he'd had down there were dead, and the memory of them was the only thing that had remained.  
_

***

That night, Bones was standing in front of Jim's quarters. He had caught a glimpse of the other man earlier as he had visited the Sickbay for a treatment of another allergy. 

Naturally, Jim was slightly allergic to the atmosphere of Ferga X. There had been small red flecks covering his face; it hadn't been life threatening though. They nodded at the other; the pair would meet up in the night to have the talk. The conversation that Bones both dreaded and looked forward to at the same time. 

Bones' hands were shaking a little. He could do this. The man straightened his shoulders trying to feel more confident and pressed the chime button. The door slid open and he entered the room. Jim's quarters were just a tad bit bigger than Bones', but Bones didn't mind as he spent most of his time in Jim's room anyway. 

Jim was sitting at his desk, and reading something on his PADD. The man looked up from his work and beamed at his best friend, but the nervousness showed in his expression. Jim put down his PADD and sat down on the couch. Bones followed Jim, and sat down next to him on a respectable distance, of course. 

'Hey, Bones. How have you been?' Oh god, they were going to make small talk at first. Bones suppressed a frustrated groan.

'Good evening, Jim. I've been busy. You?'

'Fine, but busy too.'

The air was filled with tension; not the good kind, though. It made Bones' heart beat as if a bull had been chasing him. The room was hot, and a small sweat broke out on his face. They had to talk about this, things needed to be figured out. Most of all; Bones had to know what had happened Jim after he had lost sight of the kid all those years ago. How had Jim survived?

The silence was uncomfortable. Bones' thoughts were racing, he cut the crap and stated 'I thought you died all those years ago.' Jim emitted a soft gasp, since he was apparently surprised by the blunt statement.

'They told me you did.' Bones looked up and their eyes met. Jim's eyes were void of any emotions; Bones sighed darkly this was going to be a long night. How long was it going to take to break those walls? 

'You have to be Jim for this conversation, not the Captain of the USS Enterprise.' Bones said. Jim slowly nodded and relaxed a little bit. Bones continued 'I... remember that day... when you disappeared. I always believed that they had... killed you.' Jim was silent for a while. 

Bones didn't break the silence and he patiently waited for his best friend to say something or show some kind of reaction.

Finally after a long silence that drove Bones insane, Jim uttered 'I can't believe... that those officers lied to me,' the man sounded sad and betrayed. Bones started fiddling with his shirt, so he wouldn't do anything stupid. Such as take Jim's hand in his, no, he had to be careful. 

Jim continued 'That day when I disappeared. We were on that mission to rescue Sam. And I was going to steal some food. I think. I walked through the forest, so no one would see me. Suddenly, there was this loud bang. I had nearly reached the bakery. There were screams. I went to take a look. The soldiers...they were dragging some people into a vehicle. I recognized the outfits. They were from the Federation. I hid in the shadows of the forest. A female officer, was being chased by two soldiers.'

Bones remembered this story; he had been on the other side of town when this had taken place. He had not heard about the incident until after the sun had gone under, and he had returned from the failed rescue attempt. 

'The officer ran toward my hiding place. I just stood there. Too afraid to do anything. So, she spotted me and started dragging along. She told me that we were going to escape. I started asking for you. I didn't want to leave you behind. Sam was gone, and I told her that I couldn't leave without you. The woman didn't listen to me, and then we were beamed aboard a starship.' Jim was having trouble to uphold his composure, but continued nonetheless.

'I tried to go back. To tell them that I couldn't leave you. God, Bones. I'm so sorry. I tried finding you, but they told me they didn't have any survivors named Len. They told me you died.' The boundaries of friendship be damned. Bones had to comfort his friend. The man shuffled closer and put his arm on Jim's shoulder.

'Jim, look at me. It's not your fault. I'm alive and well.' 

'I-I can't believe that you're Len.' Jim uttered, his voice was small, but he sounded happy. He had found his friend.

'I can't believe that you're Jamie. We're idiots for never realising.' Bones slowly let go of Jim. It was his turn to tell what had happened. He couldn't let Jim pour his heart out, and then proceed to act like nothing had happened.

'Please let me tell my story.' Jim nodded in understanding. Bones braced himself, and he began recounting the story.

'I was alone. You... and Sam. Both of you were gone. I..I was too useless to save you,' no one knew that, even after the memories. Luckily, not everything was exposed after all.

'I was so damned alone. At first I was lost. After Sammy had been captured... you were the only person who'd made me smile. You kept me going; never letting me give up.' Bones sighed deeply, he hoped that he wouldn't reveal his feelings by accident during this conversation.

'You're the only reason I'm alive and well today.' The sound of Jim's startled gasp indicated that he was aware what Bones had meant with that statement.

'Two boys gave me enough strength to go on with my life. You told me to never give up,' Bones didn't trust his voice for a moment. He felt the lump in his throat increase size. After a while he continued 'I lived my entire life by the rule you taught me...'

'To this day... I still have nightmares of that day. The day I lost you both. I had believed that I would be the one to die that day. We both though that. You didn't return. And Sam... never returned to me.' The words kept pouring out, Bones didn't even make an attempt to stop the confessions from getting out of his mouth.

'After Jamie, no you, disappeared... I continued our missions.. What a stupid name.' Jim laughed, although it sounded more like a broken sob. 

Jim commented, 'Yeah... it really was.' Jim added, 'Superheroes... we still are superheroes.'

Jim's voice sounded so tiny. The last time he'd sounded like that was when Sammy had been captured. 

Bones' heart ached for his best friend. There had been times when Jim had sounded broken and lost. The twenty-fifth anniversary of the Kelvin incident, also Jim's birthday. It had been during their second year. Jim had turned to the bottle once again. Bones had picked up the pieces, and let his best friend rant at him. That wasn't a pretty memory. 

Nothing had been worse than the time on Tarsus IV. The day that Sammy had been captured. 

'Remember the code words we had? What was it... Pineapple smoothies.' Bones laughed; he had totally forgotten about their code words. They had used them for mocking; they had always joked about those things. 

'Yeah, I remember those. Once a month we would pick a new name. Sammy would always pick his favourite snacks.' Jim nodded, and there was a small smile on his best friend's face. It made Bones happy that there were some good memories of Tarsus IV after all. 

There had been good times where the three of them had just played around the house a bit. Not everything had been constant horror and terror.

The group could be children again, even it was just for a couple of hours. Those hours were enough to motivate them to keep going; to keep fighting for their lives. Sometimes Bones would have wondered why they kept on fighting if they only lost and never won. Jamie would be the too-wise-for-his-age kid, and tell him that they would have to continue fighting until there's nothing worth left fighting for.

There always was something worth fighting for. Bones had remained fighting to get another couple of hours of freedom where they would just relax and be kids.

Of course, they had always remained alert whenever they had "relaxed". Nothing had ever been completely safe and sound.

Bones turned serious again. The short light hearted moment had disappeared.

'When you left...things got even worse.' The statement turned Bones' insides cold; he closed his eyes. He had to say it. He had to tell Jim about this. His best friend had a right to know.

'What happened?' Jim questioned; his voice wavered a little.

'More people were killed... corpses started piling up. The diseases spread farther than before. It was hell on earth, Jim. The corpses... looked more alive than the living. Everyone...just gave up.' Jim looked as if he wanted to throw up, but the he remained seated. 

Then Jim asked the question Bones had been dreading all this time 'What... happened to Sam?'

'I...I was too late. I found him... I'm so sorry, Jim.' A hand intertwined with his; Jim squeezed it to reassure him.

'Was he in pain?' Bones couldn't lie, he had promised his friend to always tell the truth.

'Yes,' Jim shivered and furiously blinked his eyes; Bones added, 'He was long gone when I arrived... I found his body.' 

'Oh...Bones.' Jim's eyes were filled with sympathy. His best friend was handling this better than Bones had anticipated; Jim didn't believe in miracles anyway. Jim's voice was soft as he said 'I'm so sorry.'

'I never forgave myself for losing you.'

'You found me again, didn't you? After all these years. I am...glad that we found each other again.' There was something more to it, but Bones didn't press. He knew that Jim would tell him everything when he wanted to.

'Yeah. I think I didn't realise it was you... because I believed you, you know... died. In my memories you looked different. The only obvious similarity were your eyes and body type.' Jim nodded in agreement.

'I-I still can't believe it. How on earth did we find each other again? You're actually Jamie. The little scrawny eight year old who I gave food every night... the boy I pretended to be a superhero with.'

'You are Len... The one who gave me food every night. You're the one who took care of me and my brother.'

Everything had changed just in a matter of weeks. His best friend turned out to be the kid he'd presumed dead for years.

Bones stared at their intertwined hands. Perhaps, more than one thing was changing in their lives.

'This is going to get some time to get used to, isn't it?' Jim asked, and Bones nodded his head.

'Yeah, it doesn't really happen every day that you find out that your best friend is someone you lost years ago.'

'I remember... you hating Starfleet so much, why did you join? What made you change your mind?' 

'I...don't really know. For years I hated it, but after a while I just realised, that it wasn't their fault. And when I joined Starfleet, I didn't have anywhere else to go.' 

'That makes sense.'

Silence. Bones had to ask the question that had been pestering his mind since the "memory incident".

'Do other people know who you are, Jim?'

'No. No one knows I'm Jamie. My mother knows that I went to Tarsus... damnit she even sent me there, but I never told her about what happened down there.' Apparently no one of the Bridge crew had made the connection between the kid from Bones' memories and their Captain.

'She knows the general story, war zone, starvation and all that crap.' 

In some ways Bones envied Jim. Since his secret was still hidden from the world, but they wouldn't have found each other again if Bones' secrets hadn't been exposed.

'I'm glad... that I found you again.' Bones didn't know what was going to happen to their friendship. Would they act differently around each other? Sadly, only time could tell what would happen to them.

'Same here, only it would have been nice... if everyone hadn't seen your memories.' Jim said and became silent for a while. He was pondering over something, and Bones patiently waited for him to say something.

'I'm sorry...you know, about... all those things.'

'What...things?'

'Eh...you know...the other memories and stuff.' Oh, Bones hadn't expected that Jim would say something about the other memories. Although he should have seen it coming, since he hadn't shared many details about his past before. Jim had known most of the stuff, but he hadn't known any of the details. There was a big difference between a drunken confession, and actually experiencing all those things.

'You shouldn't be sorry. I survived those things because of ...you. I never gave up. I... wanted to end it all...I tried, but I couldn't.'

'Oh... Bones.' Before Bones knew what was happening Jim was embracing him tightly. Jim's body was firm against his. Slowly Bones wrapped his arms around Jim's waist. His movements were uncertain, because he didn't want to scare Jim off.

Jim buried his face in Bones' neck; the memory of Jamie clutching him after Sammy had been captured sprung to Bones' mind. 

Finally, Bones let himself relax into the embrace. After a while Jim whispered, 'Bones, you cannot ever try to end your life. It would kill me.' Jim's confession surprised Bones.

'You can't leave me, Bones,' Jim begged.

'I won't leave you. I promise.'

Bones didn't let himself cry in front of Jim, even though he wanted to. Bones couldn't deny that his he was a bit teary eyed, but he still couldn't let himself break down in front of his best friend.

The door chimed. The moment was ruined, and both of them hastily let go off the other.

Jim shoved Bones away and quickly straightened his uniform. Bones nodded at Jim to tell him that he was ready to welcome in the visitor. Jim pressed the button to open the door.

It was Spock, the Vulcan raised his eyebrow at the sight of the pair. Jim's eyes were slightly red, and Bones' uniform was ruffled.

'Am I interrupting, Captain, Doctor?' Bones hated himself for blushing. His emotions were out of control at the moment, so it wasn't really his fault.

'No, we're just... talking. What can I help you with, Mr. Spock?' Jim's voice was somewhat higher than usual. The urge to roll his eyes at his best friend's horrible lying was nearly unbearable. 

'I had some questions regarding the negotiation. These matters are rather delicate, Captain.' Bones sighed; Spock wanted to discuss these so called "matters" right now. Bones was pretty tired anyway; this conversation had been emotionally exhausting. 

Ever since the "memory incident" Bones became rather tired on random times of the day and would just asleep. The man sighed and got up from the couch where he'd been seated.

Jim got hold of his sleeve and said, 'Don't go.' The "please" didn't have to be added. Bones' mind filled in the blanks. Truth to be told, Bones wanted to leave. He wasn't feeling up for the whole diplomacy debacle. Jim's pleading of earlier appeared in his mind.

"You can't leave me, Bones."

So, Bones sat down next to his best friend again. He fought the urge to inch closer to his best friend. For some reason Bones needed to be close to him. Jim's was resting against Bones' leg. Apparently Jim needed the physical contact too. Bones listened to the conversation of the Captain and the Commander, but none of the words registered in Bones' mind. The sentences didn't make any sense. The two men discussed for a long time; the words drowned on and on. Slowly Bones's eyelids started to become heavier. He yawned.

'Bones, are you tired?' Bones barely realised that Jim was talking to him.

'Yeah... I need a nap.' Bones promptly fell asleep on Jim's shoulder. 

***

To say Jim's evening had been weird was an understatement. From the heartfelt confession between himself and Bones to Spock's sudden interruption. Now Bones had randomly fallen asleep on his shoulder.

His best friend had told him that this had been happening ever since the "memory incident", but Jim hadn't been there to actually see it happen. Apparently Bones had fallen asleep in the Sickbay in the middle of his shift. Christine had commed him and asked him what to do about it. That had confused Jim. Why would the she ask him what he had to do about his best friend? She was the one with proper medical training after all.

Christine Chapel was a peculiar woman. That's why she probably got on so well with Bones; the two of them were rather close.

Jim would have been extremely jealous of her, but she was in a relationship with Janice, so Jim didn't have anything to worry about. The two women were very happy together.

Bones was knocked out cold.

'We will continue this discussion tomorrow morning, Captain.' Jim nodded in agreement; he was pretty beat himself.

'Goodnight, Jim.' The Vulcan turned around and walked out of Jim's quarters. Spock left Jim alone with his sleeping best friend.

'Hey, what about Bones!' But Spock was already gone. Jim grumbled to himself. Of course, to end this amazing day he would get into this situation.

Jim slowly lifted Bones, the man was a dead weight, and carried his best friend to the bed. Jim took off Bones' shoes. He didn't dare to take off more clothes; he was afraid that Bones would think it was weird that Jim had undressed him. 

Should he take of Bones' belt? Sleeping with a belt wasn't exactly comfortable. Jim knew that from personal experience, but would it be weird to take off someone else's belt while said person was sleeping? Also, having romantic feelings for that person certainly didn't help either.

With trembling hands Jim hesitantly unclipped Bones' belt. It was a lot of work to remove a belt from a sleeping person. Once Jim had finished the job; he sighed in relieve. He was glad that it was over; it felt wrong to take off those things when the other person was sleeping. Jim couldn't help but let his mind go there, and he imagined them together having sex in his bed.

The thought of Bones kissing him made Jim's throat go dry. He suddenly felt turned on. Jim thought back to his best friend's arms wrapped around his waist during the embrace. Jim shook his head; he tried to shake off those thoughts. He shouldn't think about those things. Bones was his best friend after all. All Jim's thoughts and feelings should be totally platonic toward Bones.

Unfortunately, that was easier said than done.

Should he sleep on the couch tonight?

They had slept together in the same bed before. Could Jim trust himself?

Jim let desire to be close to his best friend take over and joined Bones in the bed.

After several minutes, Jim fell into a peaceful slumber next to his best friend.

***

_'Jamie, we need to be careful. I know I can't stop you from going on this mission. But please, be safe. I need to know that you won't do anything stupid when I'm doing this.' Jamie and Len were alone; they had been alone for two entire weeks. Sammy was gone, kidnapped by the "peacemakers"._

_The house was bigger and emptier without Sammy. Len and Jamie's conversations were filled with more tension than before. There were also silences that Sammy used to fill with his happy chatter. Neither Jamie or Len wanted to fill those silences._

_'Why can't I come along with you? Why do I need to feed people? I'm tiny. I can fit into small places.' The boy stood tall and puffed his chest. His eyes shone with determination. Jamie was trying so hard to be strong, but he couldn't convince Len._

_'I can't keep both of us safe.'_

_The fear of getting captured was worse than ever. The constant paranoia, and the terrifying moment when something made a loud noise. They couldn't keep it up much longer; they had to get away from this place, but Len couldn't leave the twelve year old boy all on his own. This was going to be their attempt their only attempt to rescue Sammy._

_Len couldn't risk Jamie. What if he lost the young boy, too? His original plan had been to keep him inside while he was out trying to rescue Sammy. Jamie wouldn't hear of it. Stubborn kid. Jamie had insisted to do something, be useful in any way._

_A while ago Len had noticed that Jamie always wanted to help; always wanted to be useful. The kid was very useful though, as example he knew all the edible and inedible bugs by heart, and provided them with a big amount of bugs daily._

_Jamie wasn't going along with Len, no, he was going to give some food to the people who lived near the closed down bakery. This was the second time Jamie would go off alone since the peacemakers caught Sammy._

_How could he have been this stupid? Why had he ever agreed to this? Len shouldn't let kids do these things, but then he realised. Len was a kid as well. This didn't improve the situation, at all. Kids shouldn't have to do this kind of thing. They shouldn't have to risk their lives to save one of their own from those monsters. It was so unfair. Len had never wanted to hug his mother and cry his eyes out before. He wanted to let her hold him._

_Why couldn't they play? Be careless like proper children? No, they had to fight for their lives daily. Why did they have to deal with the war, disease, starvation, and death? Why couldn't the adults save them; they were in fact the ones who caused this. The stench of death in the area was becoming stronger; it was nearly impossible to ignore it. This place was devoid of life. Even the trees in the forest started to die. The green was disappearing; everything looked like death and decay._

_This was no place for two kids._

_The role of the 'responsible one' had been thrust upon Len when he'd met the two lost kids. Honestly, he had wanted to be the responsible one's right hand, and not be that person. But he'd accepted the role reluctantly. Len couldn't have let those two kids starve, and after all, he'd been dying for some human contact. The weeks prior Len had been hiding in an abandoned house, all alone._

_He helped out people by handing out food and medicine that he'd stolen. After a couple of days the two boys had decided to remain at Len's side. That's how the group had formed all these months ago._

_'I'll be fine, Len. I have done this... like sooo many times before.' Jamie's attempt to reassure Len was completely useless. It was true, Jamie had gone of all by his lonesome countless times, but it was all different now. One of them had been caught._

_One of them was ripped away from the only familial feeling that had remained since this hell had started. If hell would be a place in the galaxy; Tarsus IV would be it._

_The paranoia was getting to Len; his hands twitched, he was sleeping less, and he didn't know how much longer he could cope with it. But he had to suck it up and had to be strong for Jamie. For both of them._

_Len had been worrying like crazy ever since Jamie had shown up in tears in the forest. The memory made his heart ache; he needed to get Sammy back not for himself, but for Jamie. The little boy had lost everything he knew. The loss showed on his face. When Len had been Jamie's age his grandfather had told him a story about a young man._

_The young man had been in his mid twenties when he'd lost everything, even though the man was young and bright. He had had the eyes of an old man. The eyes of someone who'd suffered enough to last three life times. The fourteen year old boy hadn't believed his grandfather back then, but now as he looked at Jamie he had started believing that story._

_'Don't go too far out of the woods. If I don't return tonight...there's enough food here for you to last a couple of weeks. When I don't return after the second night. Try to find a way out of here. Leave and never return to this house. Change your name... change everything. I need you to be safe.' Len knew what he's asking of the small boy. His voice wavered. The emotions were too overwhelming. Len's composure nearly crumbled completely._

_'Ok, come here.' Bones wrapped his arms tightly around his young friend. Jamie returned the embrace; they held each other like the other was their lifeline._

_Len knew he had to let go, but he was afraid that it would have to be the last time. It was unlikely that anything would happen to Jamie. The boy was stealthy and smart; he could get out of the most impossible situation with some crazy plans. It was more probable that Len would get captured by peacemakers. Truth to be told, it would actually surprise him if they didn't capture him._

_The smaller boy buried his face in Len's neck; his shirt slowly started to become wet. Hot tears. Jamie was crying. This felt too much like a goodbye, and in some way it was._

_He knew that he would get captured; this was probably the last time that he would be able to hold his friend. The eight year old boy hadn't shed a single tear since Sammy was captured, but it was obvious that the he felt it too. Since he was crying his eyes out at the moment._

_The image of Jamie defeated and sad, oh so sad, still haunted Len at night. It would continue to haunt Len for the rest of his life. How long had Len left to live? Would the peacemakers kill him instantly or would they chain him and proceed to torture him until he finally spilled all the secrets; betray the only loved ones he'd left in this place._

_Was that what had happened to Sammy? Was the boy screaming his lungs out somewhere out there? Or was he dead already?_

_The image of the twelve year old boy with torn clothes, lying motionless on the cold hard ground. His body as cold as ice and devoid of life; just like everything on this planet._

_Len resisted the urge to shudder. His insides turned cold and he wanted to throw up. Len had to be strong; he had to fight it. He could be strong for Jamie. If Jamie was safe, then Len would be content. The younger boy noticed his discomfort and whispered softly._

_'We're super heroes, we can do anything.' Great, now Len was crying, too. The tears rolled down his cheeks. There was no attempt to stop crying made. Jamie was an intelligent boy, no, an honest to god genius._

_He would be fine; he'd make it through, and that was all that mattered. Len would return tonight. He would. Even if he had to kill someone for it. That thought terrified Len, but he couldn't care any less right now. The fourteen year old boy kept repeating that sentence over and over. He would return for Jamie._

_Len would rescue Sammy. For Jamie._

_Len let go of the Jamie. They smiled hopefully at each other; their eyes both red and puffy. Len ruffled Jamie's hair. Both of them knew what was the risk today; Len would risk his life for their friend._

_'Good luck, Len. I know you can do it.'_

_'Thanks, Jamie. I will see ya later.'_

_The two kids parted ways; Len looked back on his friend as the he walked away. Jamie walked with a fast pace. Len hoped that they would meet again later that day._

_Len sighed deeply. Now it all came to him; he was responsible for someone's life today. The life of one of his friends. That terrified the fourteen year old kid, but that didn't stop him. Len hadn't been sleeping the last couple of nights. He had been too busy running over the detailed plan in his head._

_The peacemakers worked in shifts. Every day they would leave their posts at exactly four PM; the other shift would arrive five minutes later. The kid would distract the new shift with some fireworks that he'd acquired and then quickly run to the bakery. So that gave him fifteen minutes tops to get in and get out. The prisoners building was relatively empty, because most prisoners would die within weeks, and the others got shipped off to god knows where._

_Len reached the prison building five minutes early like he had planned. The adrenaline was coursing through his body. The thought of what was going to happen to Len if he was caught frightened him._

_After several minutes of anxious waiting the peacemakers finally got up from their posts and left. This was it. Len sprinted along the fields, he had to do this. His legs guiding him towards the open spot. If someone looked outside the window now, they would see him. The boy was out in the open, and exposed to the world._

_Jamie fired the fireworks._

_Loud bangs filled the silence._

_The boy ran into the direction of the gate._

_Faster than he had anticipated he reached the gate. No one had spotted him. There were muffled shouts in the distance; the guards were on their way towards the fireworks. Luckily, Len had set of a trail of fireworks, so the peacemakers were let the opposite direction. The gate was high, but Len was great at climbing. The boy had had enough practice during escape sessions. Quickly Len climbed over the gate. He cut his arm._

_'Ouch.' That hurt. Len's arm was bleeding slightly; it wasn't a mortal wound. So, he ran towards the door of the building. Still there weren't any signs of guards, perhaps this mission would get better than he'd anticipated._

_Next to the door was an entrance for the air vents. Len retrieved the screwdriver from his pocket and unscrewed the four screws. When he'd found out that this building was build in the twenty-second century Len had done a lot of research. He'd found out that most twenty-second architecture still used old air vents. It hadn't taken long to find the original plans of the prison._

_Jamie had thought of the plan; he'd told Len that it was a good idea to go through the air vents._

_The two kids had bribed one of the guards with food. The guy had given them sufficient information to make their plan work smoothly. It had taken four entire loafs of bread, three cans of beans, and one jar of lemonade syrup to bribe the guard. The man had told them where Sammy was located and when the shifts ended. For all he knew, this could be a trap._

_Len opened the entrance of the vents, he wormed his way in, and closed the hatch behind him. The vents were narrow, but Len was just small enough to fit into it. The first left, then go until he'd passed four side-ways, and then go into the fifth. Len had memorised the entire route, but he still had a map in his bag with him. Just in case._

_No one was following him, that meant that the guards had been successfully fooled. They were chasing the firework trail. Everything was working out so far._

_"I can do this." he thought to himself. Truth to be told, Len had never been this scared in his entire life. But he went on; he kept on making his way forward to save Sammy._

_This had to be it. This was the entrance to Sam's cell._

_The room was small. There was one bed. Len's heart skipped a beat._

_Someone was lying on the floor._

_'Sammy!' Len furiously whispered. There was no reaction; the boy had probably passed out. Len quickly climbed out of the air vent, and rushed to the motionless boy. Once he'd reached his friend Len noticed the blood. Something was wrong, Len wanted to run away; he didn't want to know._

_The boy was lying in a big pool of blood. Thick red blood; it couldn't be boy's blood, could it? Sammy's face was pale. His chest wasn't moving at all. The world stopped moving, everything was frozen._

_'Sammy, please wake up.' No, no, no. This couldn't be happening. Sammy couldn't be..._

_'Sam, tell me that this is some stupid prank...please...you can't leave us...' The boy didn't respond._

_'Sammy?' The tears welled up in Len's eyes. Len reached out to hold Sammy's hand, the boy's skin was cold._

_'Stop it....Sammy please stop this.'_

_'This isn't funny.'_

_Len wrapped his arms around Sammy, perhaps if he warmed the boy he would be all right. Sammy had to be all right. The fourteen year old clutched Sammy, he couldn't let go of him. Len silently sobbed against Sammy._

_If Len let go of Sammy, the boy would be gone forever. No, he couldn't._

_'S-stop-p t-this.' Len had never seen a corpse before, but he knew that Sam wasn't alive. Len didn't listen to his brain, Sammy couldn't be. What about Jamie?_

_Len didn't know how long he had been holding Sammy. He would hold onto him until the end if he had to. It could have been hours or even just ten minutes. Len didn't have a single clue. He ignored the fact that he was soaked in blood. Sam's blood._

_'Y-you can't-t leave J-Jamie.' Why wasn't this working? Len crawled Sammy's head in his hands. He felt something slippery. There was a massive gash on the back of Sam's head. Only now Len noticed the injuries on the boy's body, from cuts to bruises. What had they done to him?_

_Len didn't know when he'd started shivering. His body was trembling from either the shock or the sobs._

_A sound startled Len out of his thoughts. Someone was opening the door. Quickly Len scrambled into the air vent. He wanted to stay behind. And defend his friend, but he needed to get back to safety. That's what he had promised Jamie. The person who entered hadn't noticed Len getting away._

_Len quickly made his way back to the entrance of the building; his mind detached from his feelings. His entire body was stained red by blood._

_Before Len realised where he was; he reached the meeting point. He absently wondered how long he had been gone. It had to be around late afternoon. Len patiently waited for Jamie to arrive. They would meet back here, since the house would be too obvious if someone was following them._

_Jamie never came back._


	8. Chapter 8

Something was going on; Jim had been acting peculiar for the last couple of days. He was keeping a large distance, both physical and mental, between the two of them. Bones couldn't help but grumble about it; he hated that he cared so much. He hated that he cared too much. He didn't like this at all, Bones wondered why his best friend was avoiding him like the plague. 

All of it had started after the "talk"; that was also known as the time Bones had fallen asleep on Jim. Bones had started to notice the little things.

At first Jim had stopped touching Bones; that was weird since Jim was normally a very hands-on guy. Small pats on the shoulder, an arm resting on his shoulder, and occasionally a hug. 

Then at some point, Jim stopped meeting his eye whenever they talked. His best friend wouldn't look at him anymore. Whenever they talked Jim acted as if nothing was wrong. He would smile and mess around, but it wasn't the same. Something was definitely wrong. 

And last, Jim started to avoid him completely. He fled out of the room whenever Bones was around him. It hurt. Bones had pondered for days about Jim's behaviour, but he couldn't make sense of it. 

Was it something he had done? Bones was working on his paperwork in the Sickbay; it was silent today.

Bones noticed that Christine was watching him from afar. She always sensed when something was wrong with Bones. It was beyond him how she figured it out. Perhaps, it showed on his face, since people tended to stay away from him when he was in one of these "moods". He was cranky, and his patients would get an extra lecture for free today.

Why hadn't Jim talked to him yet? 

It had been three days since they had had a proper conversation. The last conversation of yesterday had been about work, so that didn't really count.

Bones decided that he would go to Jim and sort this out. He would get to the bottom of this. There was no obvious reason for Jim's peculiar behaviour.

***

Later that day, Bones reached Jim's quarters. He knew that his best friend would be in his room at the moment. At this time of the day he'd do his paperwork. The man pressed the chime button and entered Jim's quarters as the door slid open. Jim looked up to see who his visitor was. Jim obviously hadn't been expecting anyone this late.

'Oh...Bones. Hi, how are you?' Jim shifted as if he were uncomfortable; his eyes didn't meet Bones'. The act was still going strong, even thought they were all alone. It stung. Jim's weird behaviour didn't help with Bones' frustration. He cut the crap and went right to it.

'Jim, what am I doing wrong?' The confusion was evident on Jim's face; his brow furrowed and eyes narrowed, as if the thinking required physical effort.

'You're not doing anything wrong, Bones. What are you going on about?' Bones wanted to break something. The look in Jim's eyes told him that there was definitely something awry. 

'The fact that one moment you act like I'm dead to you, and the other moment everything is fake fucking fine! That's what bothers me.' Bones hadn't meant to yell at his best friend, but the days of frustration, confusion, and hurt were all pouring out now. Nothing could stop this. Bones wasn't thinking about his actions anymore.

'What the hell is going on, Jim? Please just talk to me...' Jim's blue eyes were guarded. He seemed even for a moment so little and lost. 

'I know... everything has been confusing as hell for us. It's weird for me too, but please just tell me...What is going on with you?'

Then Jim's determination returned and answered in calm tone.

'Nothing is going on, Bones. I have no idea what you're talking about.' Lie. Jim's voice hadn't wavered once. But it didn't fool Bones at all. Jim's reluctance to tell the truth stung. What couldn't Jim tell him about? He was Bones' best friend for Christ's sake. Jim never lied to him. What was going on?

'Oh Jim. You're lying... Please, just let me help you. What have I done to lose your trust?' 

'It's none of your damned business, Bones!' Jim finally snapped. Bones hadn't seen that coming. He thought that the man would tell the truth. 

'You've been acting like I'm a stranger! Of course it's my damned business. I'm involved. I have the right to know.' 

Bones didn't know what made him do it, but he closed the distance between them. For a moment the world disappeared, it was only them. The kiss was chaste, Jim's lips were dry, but soft.

The realisation dawned to him. Bones was kissing his best friend. He hastily pulled back, and there was a horrified look was plastered on his face.

The look on Bones' face mirrored Jim's expression. Bones wanted to say something or apologize at least, but Jim quickly rushed out of his quarters. Jim could have transported; he had been that fast.

Bones had kissed his best friend. Why couldn't he have refrained from doing that? Why had he to go on and ruin everything. He had exposed the secret he'd guarded so well over the past years.

God, he was such an idiot.

He needed to get out of Jim's room. It was suffocating him. Bones wanted to find Jim, and tell him that he was sorry. If time travel was possible for him; Bones would have stopped the kiss from ever happening. Things would have been tense between them, but it would be better than this horror. 

How could this have happened? One moment they were fighting about Jim's behaviour, and the next they were kissing. That one tiny touch of lips could mess up an entire friendship. Jim knew now; he knew the truth about Bones' feelings for him. The feelings he had been guarding so carefully all these years.

God, he was such an idiot. Things would get awkward between them, and their friendship would slowly fade away. One day they would wake up, and the other would be a stranger. 

This couldn't have happened; how could he have been this careless? Bones was still standing in Jim's quarters. He was staring at the holos of them back at the Academy that were hanging on the wall.

Bones left Jim's quarters. It hurt too much. The man slowly wandered around the ship; trying to assess the situation. It was as best that he waited until Jim made the next move, because his best friend deserved the time to figure out his thoughts. Bones wasn't going to bother him. Before Bones realised where he was going, he found himself on the observation deck once again. He absently wondered why he had been coming there so often lately.

Bones sat down on the floor, the exact same spot where he and Jim had watched the stars together after Bones had freaked out. That event seemed ages away; it had only been a couple of weeks since the pair had sat down here.

If Bones could return to one memory he would go to that moment. Even Bones had been feeling like crap then. Jim had been there for him. Jim had supported him and got him through it. Jim had been the only constant in his life. He'd probably lost his best friend because of his stupid actions. Jim was the only person Bones couldn't handle losing besides his daughter.

The friendship was broken, just because Bones hadn't been able to control himself for one fleeting moment. He'd crossed the one boundary he shouldn't have crossed.

Why had he been this idiotic?

Bones wanted to tear his own hair out.

Slowly Bones got up from the spot where he'd been sitting. It was best to return to his quarters and think over there. When Bones entered his quarters, he dropped himself in the comfortable chair and sighed deeply.

After a long time of just sitting around and staring into nothing. Bones was startled out of his thoughts by a loud sound.

One incoming call on his PADD. That had startled Bones, apparently. The ID caller said that it was Joanna. For a moment Bones just stared at the holo of Joanna on his PADD. 

He didn't feel like talking to anyone at the moment, but he answered the call nonetheless. She was his daughter after all, and they didn't get to talk that often. A nine year old Joanna appealed on the screen. Her brown eyes twinkled with the usual glee, and she greeted him with a bright smile.

'Hi, Daddy! How are you?' 

Bones instantly felt better, even though his mind still was freaking out over this entire debacle. Joanna always managed to brighten Bones' life, even when the times couldn’t be more dire. 

Bones hadn't talked to his daughter in while, because his entire life had been a complete and utter mess the last couple of weeks. Also Jocelyn had been on a holiday with the black haired girl, so they hadn't attempted to establish contact with each other.

'Hi, darlin'. I'm doing great. I'm very busy like always. How was the holiday?' This distraction helped Bones get his mind of Jim. Bones focused on his daughter, and ignored the feeling of despair that had settled in his stomach.

Joanna seemed to pick up the sadness in his eyes; her brow furrowed a little and she asked, 'What's wrong, Daddy?'

'Nothing, honey. I just missed you a lot. I can't wait to see you again!' Technically this wasn't lying. Bones really missed his daughter; he longed to hold her again. At the moment his emotions were flying around, but it was okay since the lie smoothly covered all of the emotions that Bones was experiencing.

The girl didn't seem to be completely convinced by this, but she didn't ask any more questions. Instead she started to chatter happily about all the stuff that had happened to her during the holiday. Bones listened carefully to her talk about some accident involving pizza and a swimming pool.

So now and then he would comment on something that his daughter told him. Before Bones realised how long had passed; two hours of just talking with Joanna had gone by. Time really passed faster when he was having a conversation with his daughter. 

Sadly, his daughter had to leave since she was going on a shopping trip with Jocelyn. The black haired girl smiled and waved goodbye.

'Bye, Daddy! I can't wait to see you again!' Bones blew a kiss and Joanna did the same.

'Bye, darlin'. Have fun shopping with your mom. Say hi to her from me.' 

Bones ended the transmission, and he furiously blinked the tears away. Saying goodbye was always the hardest part of their conversations. Bones hated that he couldn't be there for Joanna when she was growing up. 

He'd missed so much when he had been at the Academy. Bones knew that he'd get his daughter back once the five year mission was over. Bones would try to get stationed on Earth, and hopefully Joanna would come live with him. 

That had been the deal with Jocelyn, he'd get official custody over his daughter once he'd returned. Then he could take care of her and owned a proper house to live in. Bones was glad that he and his ex-wife could see eye to eye again. 

They had worked past their differences, the bitterness, and regret just for the sake of their daughter. This didn't mean that he wanted to talk to Jocelyn or get back in a relationship with her. Having a kid together created a bond between two people, whether they liked it or not. 

Bones certainly didn't regret having a child with Jocelyn; he loved his girl with his entire heart, but he wished that the circumstances had been different. That he hadn't found his wife in bed with one of his best friends. That she hadn't left him, and hadn't taken everything with her. 

Bones sighed deeply and relaxed into his chair.

Bones had ruined things with Jocelyn, now he'd messed everything up with Jim by kissing him. Bones’ insides turned cold at the thought of losing Jim. The urge to throw up was overwhelming. 

Bones couldn't handle losing more people in his life, he'd lost so many already. Jocelyn, his father, Joanna, his grandfather, family, Jamie, and Sammy. Enough pain to last him a life time. Bones absently wondered if Jamie still counted. He had just found Jamie again, and now he was actually close to losing him again. It still relieved him that Jamie or well Jim, was alive and well, even though he would never talk to him again.

The waiting had begun. Jim would have to make the next move, because he obviously needed time at the moment. Bones was going to give him all the time he needed. Whether he liked the waiting or not. 

Bones wished that Jim wouldn't take too long to figure out his next course of action. The uncertainty of where they stood would drive Bones slowly insane, but in some ways Bones didn't want to know. Because Jim could end their friendship with a few simple words, and Bones didn't know if he would be able to cope with that.


	9. Chapter 9

James Tiberius Kirk was not brooding, no he really wasn't. The man just appeared to be brooding. The mess hall was crowded, since the beta shift had just ended and most of the crewmen were having dinner at the moment. The hall was too crowded for Jim's liking.

The memory of Bones' lips on his, the amazing feeling of coming home. Jim had never felt more content. Even it was for a couple of seconds, but then he'd realised what he'd done. The horrified expression on Bones’ face. Jim had put it there. Jim had initiated the kiss, he hadn't been thinking straight. God, he was such an idiot. 

Three days.

It had been three days since the kiss. They hadn't talked, and Jim started realising how much he missed Bones. They had never stayed apart for so long. Truth to be told he missed the little things the most. 

The nights where they would just do paperwork together in Jim's quarters, they'd make a joke so now and then. The shared breakfasts - Jim always stole Bones' food. The two of them basically shared Bones' plate. There was this need to be around each other, but not an urge to keep conversation going. They worked well enough in silence. 

Jim realised how dependent of Bones he'd become. It scared the living crap out of him.

Had the kiss been worth it? No, it wasn't worth losing his best friend over. He hoped that Bones wouldn't hate him. That he'd forgive Jim, and manage to get past this mess. But Jim was certain of one thing; he would never be able to stop loving Bones.

The kiss had been soft and chaste, although they'd been fighting and it was a spur of the moment kiss. Bones had been right. Jim was acting strange lately. Jim hadn't been sure how to act around his best friend anymore, since he didn't want to reveal his feelings.

Things had been changing for Jim. He was seeing Bones in a new light, and he'd realised that his feelings weren't platonic at all. It had taken a while, but Jim supposed he'd known for a while now. He had just never dared to admit it to himself. 

Their friendship was ruined, because Jim hadn't kept his freaking composure. Jim sighed darkly and pushed the food around on his plate. Why had he come here anyway?

It was not like he was going to eat anything. The thought of food repelled him. Jim got up from the table in the corner of the mess hall, of course, it was the table he and Bones normally shared for breakfast.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw the familiar figure of his best friend enter the mess hall. Shit. Jim knew that he couldn't avoid Bones forever; they were the CMO and Captain after all. 

Jim couldn't read his face. That was unusual, because Jim could read his best friend like a damned book most of the time. The urge to run was too overwhelming. So, Jim fled before Bones could spot him in the crowd. Jim weaved effortlessly through the masses of crewmen, cadets, and ensigns. He managed to get to his quarters unscathed.

There was one minor fault in his plan. Lt. Uhura was waiting outside of his quarters, she had been about to push the chime button when she'd noticed Jim. It was too late to take refuge somewhere else. He'd just have to act like nothing was wrong. That wasn't going to be easy, since the woman looked furious.

'Nice of you to join me, Nyota.' It still annoyed her when he called her that, but they were friends. Not as close as she was with Bones, but good friends nonetheless. They were his family. Jim smiled cheekily at her, and pretended that everything was fine. She followed him into his quarters. When the door closed Jim turned to Nyota, whatever she's going to say, she would cut the crap and got right to it.

'Jim, what have you done to Leonard? He has been sulking for three days... he hasn't eaten, slept or talked to anyone. What the hell did you say to him.' This was his fault. What was he supposed to say? He knew she would get the truth out of him by force or not. Jim was a wise man, and he chose to voluntarily to tell the truth. Uhura had some mean nails. No, he didn't want to repeat that experience. 

'What am I supposed to say? That I'm a fucking idiot and messed everything up?' Apparently he'd a foot in his mouth today. Tact wasn't his strongest point today.

'We fought three days ago. I was being a dick and he was confused.' Nyota frowned at that, as though she hadn't expected him to tell the truth. 

'What happened?' Her voice was soft, but still fierce. However, Jim remained silent, because he was nervous. He wondered what her reaction would be when he told the truth. Would she tell him that they would never be together? 

'Jim, please tell me what happened. So, we can figure out how to fix this.' Uhura sounded genuinely worried, not only for Bones, but also for him. Jim really admired the woman for her strength; she didn't take anyone's shit and always spoke her mind. But she also cared so much for everyone around her. Jim was glad that they were friends.

That's why he told her the truth.

'I kissed him.' Uhura looked startled for a moment, but then she smiled. Why would she smile? Then her smile turned into a frown.

'That's a good thing... right? What went wrong?' What? He just told her what went wrong. Jim wondered if he should send her to Sickbay to get her hearing checked.

'I kissed him... that's what went wrong.'

'So... you don't love him?' Jim spluttered. Why was she so unfazed by all of this? Jim wondered what the hell was going on. 

'Of course, I-I...love him. But now I ruined it all... and he hates me.' Uhura apparently puzzled the pieces together, because she muttered something inaudible and face palmed.

'You are unbelievable. You love him and he loves you. Wow...You two are more emotionally stunted than Spock... Help us all.' Jim wasn't sure if he should be offended, but his mind was stuck on the first part of the sentence. Did Bones love him? No, he couldn't. He would have said something or shown something. 

'What... no! You didn't see his face. He looked horrified. Bones doesn't feel that way about me. Really.' Uhura sighed deeply, and she remained silent for a couple of moments. Jim couldn't help but ponder over what she'd said. Uhura wouldn't lie about this, would she? Perhaps she's misheard Bones. It must have been some miscommunication. 

The thought that Bones loved him back thrilled and terrified Jim at the same time. He'd never been in a 'real' romantic relationship, there only had been a couple of casual sex relationships. The closest thing he had as a stable relationship was his and Bones' friendship. He'd ruined that. Of course.

'Jim... Leonard has been in love with you for years,' Jim was startled out of his pondering by Uhura, she continued.

'You should find him and tell him. Jim... don't mess this up.' She nodded at him and left Jim on his own. 

For a couple of minutes, Jim just stood there and let his brain process the information. 

Could he be courageous enough to suck it up, and tell Bones he loved him? Jim realised that he would do anything to fix their broken friendship. He would have to tell his best friend everything about his feelings for him. Jim hoped that Uhura was telling the truth otherwise everything would be royally fucked over. Things wouldn't probably be fixable anymore, and that terrified Jim to no end.

He couldn't lose his best friend; the man was the best thing in Jim's life, but he had to take a risk. Jim told himself that he could confess to his friend. This would be his attempt at fixing their friendship and to turn it into a romantic relationship. Jim had never realised how much he'd wanted Bones up until a few weeks ago. 

Suddenly, he was feeling determined. Jim said 'I won't mess this up. Thanks Nyota.' 

Jim turned around and left his quarters to find his best friend before his courage would disappear. 

 

***

Bones couldn't sleep the night before; he hadn't been able to stop the whirlwind of thoughts.

So there he was in the Sickbay; treating a patient without having had any sleep. It had been one day since the 'kissing incident' had happened. Bones hadn't seen his best friend once. 

He had lost all his appetite for food; he hadn't eaten anything the entire day. Bones had tried to eat a cracker earlier this morning, but his throat had become dry as sand. In the end Bones had thrown the cracker in the rubbish bin.

This wasn't healthy, but Bones couldn't get himself to either care or eat.

Christine had been eying Bones for an hour or two now; his friend was obviously concerned for his well-being. Bones knew that he looked like shit.

The patient was silent; not crying or complaining. The woman had acquired a nasty burn as two crewman had blown up some engine. The blowing things up was getting a bit old. It couldn't be that difficult to follow the regulations for once? Three times a week someone would show up in the Medical Bay, and their injury would be caused by some explosion.

The commanding officer, who had been slightly injured, would be perfectly fine. She only needed some standard regeneration and a new uniform. The sleeve of her shirt have been completely incinerated.

Her hair was slightly burned too, so the entire Medical Bay smelled like burning hair. That really wasn't a pleasant scent.

Once Bones had finished treating the officer, the woman thanked him with a bright smile on her face. Christine approached Bones when the other woman exited through the door.

'What happened with Jim, Leonard?' Apparently she had guessed that Bones' mood had something to do with Jim. Christine was too clever for her own good sometimes.

'I royally fucked up.' The Sickbay was empty apart from them of course. Both of them had fulfilled their duties for the day, and they only had to wait for the next shift to relieve them. So both could speak freely. Bones couldn't flee from this conversation, although he really wanted to. Bones had to suck it up, and talk to his friend.

However, Bones still prayed for an emergency that would save him from this conversation. 

Sadly, no one was listening to his prayers today.

'What did Jim do?' Why did people always assume it was Jim's fault? Bones had just said that he had messed it up. That it was all his fault, although most of the time it ended up being Jim's fault, but this time was an exception since Bones had caused the entire mess.

'I kissed him.' Chapel remained silent and took Bones' hand in hers. Christine softly squeezed his hand. Bones added 'He ran away, Christine... Jim must hate me right now. I have ruined everything.' Bones ignored the way his voice wavered, and the sudden urge to cry in front of Christine. 

Just to get a hug and some sweet nothings whispered in his hear. But Bones didn't cry in front of people; he never did. Not even in front of Jim.

'Oh honey. He's just being an idiot for not realising how amazing you are... He'll come around. I promise.' Bones wanted to believe her more than anything, he really did, but he just couldn't. 

'You didn't see his face, Christine.' She smiled at him sympathetically. On times like this Bones really envied the relationship she had with Janice.

The two of them were perfect together; they had been best friends before they became girlfriends. Bones had been really happy when he'd found out that they finally had ended up together.

Christine had boldly confessed her feelings to Janice, and had found out that Janice felt the same. Things had gone pretty fast from there. And Bones knew for a fact that Janice was actually planning to propose to her girlfriend.

Bones could never have that with Jim; he would be extremely lucky if the two of them could fix their broken friendship. What if Jim didn't even want that anymore?

That thought nearly made Bones physically sick.

'Jim will get around. He cares for you more than anyone else. He's your best friend, you should have a little faith in him.' Christine was probably right, the woman really was too clever. 

Bones absently wondered why she had never continued studying, she could easily become a CMO if she continued studying. But it wasn't Bones' place to ask. He was certain that Christine had a good reason for being a nurse. She was a great nurse after all.

'Leonard, you shouldn't worry so much. Your frown... it might become a permanent expression on your face.' Bones couldn't help but smile a little at the attempt to cheer him up. Both of them talked about nothing important until the next shift arrived to relieve them. 

Another day passed and Jim still hadn't shown up. Bones hadn't seen Jim for two entire days now, and it was driving him insane. He started to begin losing all of his hope; his appetite was still nowhere to be found. During lunch a couple of hours prior Bones had managed to force down some soup. Only because Christine and Janice had been there, and Bones didn't want to worry them.

The third day rolled around. Still no sign of Jim. 

Bones had barely slept in the last three days; the lack of sleep had begun taking its toll on him. He was used to not sleeping much; he was the CMO after all. But now it was really getting to him, because ever since the "memory incident" Bones still felt more tired than usual. He still wasn't completely recovered from that. The little to no sleeping was obviously also a factor in this problem.

Bones' reactions were getting more sluggish, and he would occasionally nod off. Christine and Doctor M'Benga were close to threatening to hypo him, but Bones hadn't reached that point yet.

The three of them were testing one of their patients. The man had recently recovered from a strange alien disease. They were checking his vitals; they did that three times a week. The crewman had acquired the disease during the last shore leave. For a while Bones had thought the man would die, but luckily the cure he'd created had worked. 

At least Bones had saved someone. It always stung when he cured from some disease, because he hadn't been able to cure his father. 

It would be another two hours until his shift ended, and Bones decided it was for the best if he hypo'd himself to sleep tonight.

Suddenly Doctor M'Benga elbowed him roughly in his side. Bones looked up with mild annoyance. There had been no reason for that assault at all.

Apparently there was.

The one and only James Kirk was nervously standing in the entrance of the Medical Bay.

***

Jim was lurking around the starship; he was at a loss of what to do. Uhura's words were still ringing in his ears, was she right? His courage had vanished quickly, and now he was figuring out what to do about it. He was slowly forcing himself to find Bones and just to get it over with it. 

Jim was walking around aimlessly. First he visited engineering, and pretended to do a surprise inspection. Engineering was in perfect state as always; the crewmen tended to end up in Sickbay though. But the ship was in good hands with these men and women.

Bones grumbled a lot about Engineering and its dangers; he would call them idiots on a daily basis. It was pretty regular that the doctor would yell at them. No one really bothered to look up if Bones was ranting to them. The poor crewmen were scarred for life by Bones' too detailed descriptions of space, death, and their impending doom. 

After they would be treated, their faces would be a tad bit pale for a while. Only Scotty remained unaffected by Bones' tales, the rest of the Engineering department was a lost cause.

All in all, Jim ended up in the Sickbay more than anyone. The list of allergies started to grow ever since he'd boarded the Enterprise. Bones said that he might even break a human record for most allergies or that he should write a book about all of them. That would be some collection.

Bones was constantly in his thoughts. Jim was always wondering what Bones would say or do. Even though the two of them hadn't seen eye to eye since that kiss. The kiss that changed everything between them, and Jim genuinely wished it was for the better. But it probably was for the worse. 

What would happen to them if his best friend actually wanted them to become a couple? Jim imagined them sharing quarters, eating every dinner, and sharing a bed together. A small blush appeared on his cheeks.

All of the sudden Jim was feeling flustered at the thought of Bones and him sharing a bed. It wasn't like he hadn't thought about it before, but now it could actually happen. If Uhura had been telling the truth, of course.

It could actually happen.

When Jim left the Engineering department he started to make his way towards the Sickbay. Could he talk to his best friend? Jim wondered if he could get the words out, and not mess this all up once again. Words weren't Jim's strongest point when it came to emotions and all that mushy stuff. 

Normally he didn't talk about those things; he and Bones would sit and drink bourbon in his quarters, and if he felt like ranting at Bones, he would. Getting plastered and ranting about feelings wasn't the best plan of action at the moment.

Jim decided that he was done with the 'what ifs' and just confess his feeling for real. Bones probably knew already how Jim felt, because, duh, Jim had kissed him. 

He was walking slowly toward Sickbay; Bones' shift was nearly finished, although the man tended to stay longer than what was required of him. Jim would hopefully be able to drag him to somewhere private. He started to become nervous when he reached the entrance of the Sickbay. 

His hands were sweaty and his heart was pounding in his chest. Jim hadn't been this nervous since his first kiss when he'd been fourteen years old. 

It was now or never. Jim took a deep breath and entered the Sickbay. The place was deserted apart from four people. Christine Chapel, M'Benga, a patient, and Bones. Doctor M'Benga was the first one to look up. He seemed to be surprised by Jim's appearance and turned to Bones. 

M'Benga softly nudged the doctor. Bones stared at Jim, and his eyes widened.

There were large shadows under Bones' eyes; the man looked like he hadn't slept in days. Uhura had been right about this part. Jim hoped she was right about the rest of the things she'd told him.

The one and only Christine Chapel was giving Jim her best glare. If glares could kill a man Jim would have died a couple of times by now. She turned back to their patient.

Everyone remained silent; waiting for Jim to make a move.

'Uh..Bones... I wondered if we could...you know... talk?' Real smooth Jim thought to himself. He had never felt this awkward in his entire life; the tension was driving him insane. Bones was still regarding him as if Jim had entered the room stark naked. 

Doctor M'Benga smiled reassuringly at Jim and nudged Bones once again.

This seemed to snap Bones out of his stare; the man muttered something inaudible and then said, 'Sure, Jim.' Jim turned around and started walking to his quarters. Bones followed him closely. The tension was nearly unbearable. Jim was encouraging himself in his mind. He could do this. He had to.

They entered Jim's room, now they were officially alone for the first time since the kiss. They avoided each other's eyes, and Jim was indecisive of what was best to do. They had to talk; Jim knew that of course, but how could they start this conversation? This conversation would change everything for them for better or worse. 

'Jim,' Bones said while Jim simultaneously uttered 'Bones,' Jim burst out with nervous laughter. The tension was really getting to him. Apparently, Bones decided to let Jim talk first as he nodded to his best friend. Jim's laughter died down rapidly. He was suddenly feeling scared of what's to come. Scared of what he had to say, because this time, actions just didn't cut it. 

Normally, Jim was this action-over-speak kind of guy when it came to emotions, but this time he had to pick words. They had gone through so much with each other. Bones deserved a proper explanation even though the man might hate him afterwards.

'We...I..uh am sorry.' That really was a great way to start their conversation. Jim looked up to see that Bones was frowning with confusion. This was going to be a long and difficult conversation. Jim sighed deeply.

'What are you apologizing for, Jim?' Bones sounded genuinely puzzled, why couldn't he understand what Jim was trying to say.

'For kissing you...I uh shouldn't...have done that. Sorry.' This wasn't going as planned, Jim apparently had a foot in his mouth today. This was fucking great. This really had to be the day where Jim's brain and mouth disconnected of the other. Jim hoped that he wouldn't start rambling. 

Things could get bad if he rambled, and he might say things that he didn't mean to say or end up kissing his freaking best friend again. Or both just for the hell of it.

'What... Jim, I kissed you. I should be the one who apologises.' Okay what the hell was going on? Did Bones honestly think that he was the one who'd initiated the kiss? Come to think of it, Jim wasn't really sure who'd started the kiss in the first place. Both of them had been too freaked out to analyze the situation. Jim hoped that this was a good sign.

The two of them remained silent for a while, and Jim tried to figure out what was the best course of action to take at that moment.

Jim was the one who broke the silence.

'Bones... damnit... you're the most important person in my life.' This certainly caught Bones' attention. Bones was carefully observing his best friend. Jim usually didn't mind if his best friend scrutinized him like this, but at this moment it put Jim on an edge. 

It was now or never.

Then it all went to hell as Jim began rambling, 'A while ago I started... uhm... noticing some changes for my...feelings. For you. I realised how much you meant to me when the "memory incident" happened. The waiting drove me insane. I couldn't imagine a life without you... hell I wouldn't even be alive if you hadn't met me on Tarsus all those years ago... 

I was so afraid of losing the one who'd never let me down. Damnit... you are the only one in my life who'd never let me down. You've been the only constant in my life... you never broke my trust. People have left me. Lots and lots of people, Bones... but you always stayed at my side and patched me up. 

I told myself that you're my best friend. That you couldn't love me in that way, but the friendship is enough for me. I started denying those feelings... and I didn't even realise that I was doing that up until recently. I can't mess this up, Bones. If you only want to be friend... that's fine by me. More than fine actually. Magnificent even!' Jim confessed all of that in one breath. That was one hell of a ramble. 

 

'What I meant to say... I... uh.. love you.' Jim added after a while. What did he have to lose anyway?

It wouldn't have surprised Jim if Bones' jaw actually disconnected from his face, which is nearly physically impossible, of course. Bones was staring at his best friend with his mouth agape and eyes widened. Jim started to feel rather nervous. Why wasn't Bones saying anything? Had Uhura been wrong after all?

'Bones...please just say something.' Jim begged, yes he actually begged, but he couldn't care any less, he needed the answer or a reaction from Bones. The silence was lasting too long for Jim. This seemed to snap Bones out of his zoned-out-staring.

Bones all but yelled 'Jim. You're the biggest idiotic idiot I've ever met!' 

Okay, Jim hadn't been really expecting a reaction like that. Jim was a little bemused. He had just poured his heart out to his best friend, and now he was called a idiot. Did Bones mean that he should have told him earlier? He hoped that was what Bones meant. Jim patiently waited for Bones to continue to clear this up. 

'I don't understand...' Jim stated his thoughts. Bones rolled his eyes; the man was obviously irritated. 

'It really took you so long? Oh wow you're an idiot. You've gotta be kiddin' me!' Jim couldn't help but stare at his best friend. His mind was stuck. Did Bones mean that he wanted Jim like that or not? Before Jim could ponder any longer, Bones began talking again.

'I have waited years for you to say that, years Jim.' Oh.

Oh.

The puzzle pieces connected. Bones had wanted Jim to tell him those things; his best friend had waited years for Jim to get over himself. Jim was the biggest idiot in the galaxy. Everything finally made sense.

Jim tried to close the distance between them, but their noses bumped. Jim couldn't help but laugh nervously. Bones rolled his eyes with mock annoyance. Jim's eyes met Bones', he waited for a fleeting moment, and then leant forward.

Finally, their lips met. 

It wasn't as if fireworks exploded or a massive orchestra played some epic music. It was just a chaste kiss and that was enough. Jim's mind completely blanked.

Jim wanted release the adrenaline; he wanted to run, scream, and shout, but he remained calm. He let Bones hold him in place, like his best friend always did when Jim was feeling like that. Bones' hand gripped Jim's arm slightly; not letting go of Jim. 

Bones' lips were soft, however they were slightly chapped. In Jim's opinion these were the best lips he'd ever kissed.

The kiss was enough to wash all the build-up tension away, and both of them relaxed. Everything fell away, the lies, the dramas, and most of all the feelings they had been repressing for such a long time. Jim realised that Bones' lips were as kissable as he'd anticipated during his fantasies. Perhaps even more kissable.

The kiss itself only lasted a couple of seconds, but to Jim it hadn't felt like that. The world had frozen. They could have just kissed for hours or even minutes, and Jim wouldn't have realised that any time had passed. 

The two of them pulled away from each other, and Jim immediately missed the contact. He wanted to close the distance between them once again, but he refrained from doing so. Bones was staring at him; there was a small smile on his face.

Jim's heart was beating as if he'd been running a marathon. His hands were sweaty and shaking a little.

Jim awkwardly put his arms on Bones' shoulder; he absently wondered why he was so unsure of himself. Normally, in the relationships he had been part of he was the dominant and confident one. Bones was different from all of them, because Bones was his best friend and he knew Jim. 

Bones really did know Jim. All those other people were nothing compared to Bones, because Bones really mattered to Jim. He couldn't mess this up.

Bones put his hands on Jim's waist, and he softy squeezed it.

This time it was Bones who closed the distance between them by pulling Jim closer, but Jim deepened the kiss. Kissing Bones was exciting, but terrifying all the same. Jim knew most of the things about his best friend, but this was new territory for him. Jim was pleased that he could explore this; up until recently Jim had never thought that he would be able to do this.

There was no rush or force. It was just two people tenderly loving each other; they were taking care of the other. This was a lot better than the small peck that they had shared a few days prior. 

Their tongues battled for dominance. Bones moaned into the kiss, and Jim's legs were somewhat weaker than before.

Jim could only focus on Bones; it was only the two of them. It was them versus the world, like it always has been and always should be. 

Bones softly caressed Jim's cheek; the calloused fingers following the lines of Jim's face. It was such a small but intimate gesture. It meant more than a thousand words one could say.

Jim couldn't suppress the tiny shiver; the sensation was driving him insane. The small touches were getting Jim all riled up. He had never been this sensitive. Jim had never been touched like this. It always had been quick and rough. Kissing Bones was the complete opposite of that.

Jim felt his body starting to react. Their bodies were flushed together; Bones was holding him as close as he possibly could. Jim was fighting the urge to remove the layers between them, but he told himself to be patient, and kissing Bones like this was amazing. 

The kisses were tender, but the passion certainly didn't lack. Jim's head was spinning; Bones really was an excellent kisser.

Jim absently realised that he'd never seen Bones kiss anyone before.

Both them were breathless as they pulled away; they didn't let go of the other.

Bones' eyes were dark, and his expression filled with desire and love. Bones cleared his throat and confessed 'You don't know... how I have been wanting to do that.'

'You should have,' Jim sighed, smiled happily at Bones, and continued 'It doesn't matter right now... We're here now.' 

'Yeah. It was worth the wait.'

'Totally.'

Jim kissed him again, and started slowly leading them to the bed. Bones noticed what he was doing and asked 'Jim, are you seducing me to get into this bed with you?'

'Is it working?'

'It is.'

The two of them laid down on the bed, still fully clothed.

Jim hesitantly reached forward to touch Bones' jaw. Jim ignored the way his fingers were shaking; it was either of adrenaline or fear. This was all new for Jim, and he was grateful for the fact that Bones was letting him explore.

Bones gently started touching Jim. Both were calmly discovering the other; Jim let his hand trail under Bones' shirt. For a moment the pair remained motionless and stared at each other. Jim wanted to go further, so he smiled tentatively at the other man. Apparently, Bones understood what he'd meant, promptly sat up, and took off his shirt in one swift movement.

Jim had seen Bones shirtless before, but it was different this time. Usually, he hadn't been allowed to look; this time he was supposed to look. Bones' body was well toned; his skin was slightly tanned, and Jim found himself touching Bones' collar. Jim let his hand trail down. When he touched Bones' nipple he moaned.

Jim quickly took off his shirt. Bones moved closer, their noses were touching now, and Bones pulled Jim closer to him. 

'Wow. You're beautiful, Jim.' Jim, who was blushing, responded by kissing Bones intensely. It all felt so right. No one had ever told Jim that he was beautiful in such a genuine way. The two of them kissed, and somehow Jim ended on top of Bones. He was pinning Bones down on the bed.

'I. Love. You.' Jim kissed Bones after every word. I love you. Jim had never said it to anyone; he had never meant it before.

'I love you too, darlin'.' Jim's heart skipped a beat. The realisation dawned to him. This was actually happening. This wasn't some fantasy; this was reality. Bones loved him.

Jim had never felt this complete in his life, after all these fuck ups he had never expected that he would feel whole again. This was downright the happiest moment of Jim's existence.

The two men touched each other; no place was left untouched or kissed. The sounds Bones was making drove Jim insane. Jim had never been this turned on in his life.

The kissing was becoming more fanatic, and Jim undid his pants leaving him only in his briefs. After some struggling (and laughing) Bones had taken off his trousers as well.

'I want to make love with you.' Bones moaned in Jim's ear. He started kissing Bones' neck and slowly trailed down. Jim was getting to know Bones' body; what the man liked and what he didn't like. It amazed Jim that different things triggered Bones, like if he sucked on Bones' collar the man would tense and moan with pleasure.

It was extraordinary to learn what thrilled Bones, Jim could do those things to him.

Jim had never made love with anyone. He had only had sex with somebody, but he found himself wanting to do that.

'Yeah. I want to.'

The smile on Bones' face turned Jim's insides weak. 

As they removed the last layers of clothing between them, Jim felt his uncertainty fade away. He wanted this and Bones wanted it as well. There was no reason to be insecure. Jim trusted Bones with his life, body, and heart.

'You're gorgeous.' Jim marvelled at the sight of Bones' body.

'You're quite the looker yourself.' For a moment the two of them just looked at each other; their eyes met. Jim felt his heart swell.

The two of them made love with each other; both completely trusting the other. It was just them, nothing else, no pressure of people dying, no responsibility, and no fears. They weren't the Captain and the CMO; they were Jim and Bones.

It was just two people who loved each other more than anything. That was enough.


	10. Chapter 10

An alarm went off, it was time to get up. 

Bones groaned; he wanted to get back to sleep, but his shift started in an hour.

Something warm was wrapped around him. Limbs. Bones blinked to get his eyes adjusted to the light. Apparently he'd forgotten to turn them off last night. This wasn't his room; Bones realised these were Jim's quarters.

Someone was holding him.

Jim. 

Both of them were naked.

It hadn't been a dream after all. Their legs were tangled up, and Jim was clutching Bones' hand.

Jim loved him. They had made love with each other last night. Bones had a little trouble wrapping his head around. All of it felt surreal to him. After years of endless waiting; he had gotten the one thing he'd most desired. The waiting had been worth it. 

'Mmmhhmornin'.' Jim murmured against Bones' neck. He extracted himself from Bones and smiled sleepily at the him.

'Good morning, darlin'.' Bones kissed Jim just because he could. He would never tire of kissing Jim, this could turn out to be a problem.

'Jim... when did you set the alarm?' Bones was glad that he and Jim worked the same shifts, and that they programmed their alarms the same. Being someone's best friend for years did that to you.

'Last night after you fell asleep on me. We shouldn't have stayed up and talked for hours after we had sex...'

'Oh.' That made sense. Bones' mind was stuck on the fact that he slept with his best friend last night. They had made love. Bones couldn't help but smile a little.

'We should get up, you know.' Bones stared at Jim; he had touched Jim everywhere. He had worshipped his body, had discovered it. Bones found himself wanting to touch Jim all over again. He would never get sick of holding Jim.

'Yeah.' Neither of them moved to get out of bed; Bones pecked Jim on the lips again.

Bones was about to deepen the kiss, but they were interrupted by Jim's second alarm. Bones groaned with annoyance 'Why do you need two alarms anyway?' 

Bones finally got up and went to search for his clothes. Lazily, Jim rolled around in his bed; he was obviously trying to find the motivation to get out of his bed. 

'Because I need the second alarm to get out of bed.' Finally, Jim forced himself out of the bed, although his movements were sluggish. Jim retrieved his underwear and started dressing up. Bones smirked at his best friend, but sadly it was true. Jim was terrible to get out of his bed in the morning. 

People always assumed that Bones was the one who had trouble with getting out of bed, but the man was in fact an early riser. Although he needed caffeine to properly function like a normal being. 

The two of them got ready for breakfast in silence; neither of them felt the need to talk. When they were all set Jim broke the silence.

'What are we going to... uhm... you know do?' Jim asked with an uncertain voice, Bones turned around and frowned. Bones already had a suspicion that this was about them being together and the complications of them dating. 

'About what?' He asked anyway, just to be sure. Occasionally Jim could be extremely unpredictable, and this situation was foreign for both of them.

'Us. You know... Being together. Do you want to date me?' Bones' suspicions were confirmed. He wrapped his arms around Jim, and he tightly embraced him. He had to show Jim that he was here, and wasn't going to leave him any time soon. 

Jim was rejected by the ones he loved several times; it was essential for their relationship that Bones showed him that he wasn't leaving him.

'Yes, I want to date you. I'll be here as long as you want me here.' Blue eyes met brown eyes; Bones tried to show all of his compassion and love in his eyes. 

'Then you will be stuck with me for a long time.' Jim chuckled nervously, but he'd gotten the message.

'Good. That's settled then.' Jim closed the distance between them. Bones was enjoying this new privilege. He was allowed to kiss Jim at all times; this pleased him a lot. After a while Jim pulled away; he sounded breathless as he asked Bones the next question that had been troubling him.

'What about our friends? Do'... you want to tell people about us?'

'I don't want to hide it, but I don't want to announce it with banners and fireworks just yet.'

'We could just subtly make the message clear?' Jim suggestion sounded reasonable Bones supposed, but he wondered how on earth they would do that. Jim would probably find a way to let his friends know, in a profound way hopefully.

'Sure. We really have to leave now, if we want to eat before our shift starts.' Reluctantly, Jim pulled away from Bones.

'Ready?' Jim asked; he was smiling happily at his lover.

'Born ready.' The two of them walked out of Jim's quarters and made their way to the mess hall.

***

Bones hadn't been able to keep that stupid smile off his face for the entire day. Christine hadn't been there; today was her day off, so he'd have to tell her later. She would probably know immediately that something good had happened if she saw his face.

Bones was making his way to the Bridge; it was time for another report, and honestly he just wanted to see Jim for a bit.

The turbolift opened and Bones entered the Bridge. He was still feeling on edge whenever he came here, but he was doing better. People had stopped staring at him like he was a survivor; they at least pretended that they didn't care about it. Sadly, that didn't make it any less nerve wracking. It would take a while to get used to it. 

Jim noticed Bones enter and greeted him.

'Hi, Bones.' To Bones' surprise; Jim promptly closed the distance between them and pecked him on the mouth. Bones couldn't help but stare at the other man with his mouth open. 

'You said we would be subtle!' Bones furiously whispered to Jim he ignored the way everyone at the Bridge was blatantly staring at them. 

'...This wasn't subtle enough?' Jim asked with mock-surprise, but there was a teasing smile on his face. In hindsight Bones should have known that this could be defined as "subtle" in Jim's book. Bones rolled his eyes and grumbled inaudibly about being subtle.

'Never mind, we'll talk about this later.' The others started talking to them excitedly. All of them mentioned how happy they were for them and that it was about damn time. Even Spock mentioned that the two of them were idiots for taking so long to figure it out. Not in those words, of course.


	11. Chapter 11

'Bones, you gotta calm down.' Jim was watching his lover nervously pace around his quarters, no their quarters. Bones had moved in with Jim about three weeks ago, and Jim found himself loving it. 

It had been the best idea Jim ever had. Jim loved waking up next to Bones; he loved that he had someone to come "home" to every night. Jim hadn't realised how much he'd missed living with Bones up until the moment his lover had moved in with him again.

In some ways it was exactly the same as it had been at the Academy, but it was totally different altogether. Bones still grumbled about Jim's disregarded clothes lying all across the room. Jim would laugh and roll his eyes at the other man. The major change between their old dynamic was the sleeping arrangement, and the fact that they were in a relationship now.

For weeks Bones had gone on only about one person. Joanna. Jim felt for his lover; he wished that there was a way that Joanna could remain on the ship, but it wasn't safe enough for her.

In nine hours Joanna would beam aboard the starship.

Bones was freaking out and he had every reason to Jim supposed.

'Everything will be okay. You should relax a little.' Jim slowly started to get out of his bed; he had to get ready for work since his shift was starting in one hour.

'I can't relax, Jim. I'm going to see my daughter for the first time in thirteen months.' Jim made his way over to the pacing man, held him still, and embraced him.

Jim was glad that he didn't have any children to take care of, he couldn't imagine spending so much time apart from someone so important in his life. Jim couldn't imagine spending such a long time away from Bones. 

In all the years they had known each other; the longest time they had been apart from each other was one month. It had been the longest month in Jim's life. Both had been assigned to different ships during their internship in their second year. Of course, they had been able to keep in touch through their comms, but it hadn't been the same as face to face contact. 

Ever since that internship they hadn't been apart for longer than a week; Jim didn't want to think of a future where they had to be apart longer than a week. Jim couldn't part from Bones, so they would stay with each other.

This must be how Bones felt about leaving his daughter back on Earth. Jim wanted to kiss all Bones' worries away, but he knew that wasn't possible.

'Everything will be all right.' Jim softly kissed Bones' neck; he loved it when Jim did that. Bones shivered with pleasure. Jim slowly felt his lover relax into the tender touches.

Jim was getting better at the whole "tender and sweet" thing when it came to romance. In the first couple of weeks he'd had a lot of trouble to adjusting to their relationship. Jim had been hopeless at romance. Bones had taught him and was still teaching him. 

The entire relationship with Bones was new and thrilling, but also terrifying. Everything was the same, but also different between them. 

'Jim, what if-' Bones couldn't finish the question, because Jim cut him off by kissing him on the lips.

'It's going to be okay,' Jim told Bones again; he would keep on saying it until the other man believed him. Bones was patient with him when it came to romance, and Jim was patient with Bones' stubbornness. 

'I hope so.' The two held onto each other, and Jim smiled lovingly at Bones.

'I love you, Bones.' Jim would never grow tired of saying and hearing it.

'I love you too, Jim.' Bones closed the small distance between them.

 

***

'Bones, stop pacing...you're making me nervous.' Bones huffed and couldn't be bothered. He had every right to be anxious. In about three minutes Joanna was going to be beamed aboard. 

'Jim, what time is it?' Bones ignored Jim's statement. Both of them were waiting in the transporter room. Scotty was obviously ignoring them, since Bones had ranted at him to make sure that nothing would go wrong. Scotty had been slightly offended, but he was understanding.

'Only a few minutes left, seriously Bones. It will be fine. Don't worry.' Every attempt at reassuring him had failed.

'The clock isn't going to tick any fa-' Before Jim could finish the sentence ; he was cut off by Scotty announcing that the transporter was ready to beam Jo up. Bones couldn't help but make a startled sound. Jim smiled and shook his head.

'Energise, Mr Scott.'

'Aye, Captain.'

This was it. This was the moment Bones would see his little girl again for the first time in nearly a year. His heart hammered in his chest, his hands were sweaty, and he couldn't properly breathe.

The transporter made its usual sound, and the nine year old Joanna Elizabeth McCoy started to appear on the pad. Bones watched the machine he still feared so much, materialise his daughter aboard the starship Enterprise. 

Joanna was taller than the last time he'd seen her. Her black braided hair fell over her shoulder. Joanna had the same nose and eyes as her father, but she had her mother's mouth. Joanna was absolutely stunning. Bones fought the urge to cry. His little girl was more beautiful than anyone he'd ever seen.

'Jo,' Bones whispered softly.

For a minute the two of them just stared at each other, but then Bones snapped out of his awe and hurried over to his daughter. He embraced Joanna tightly; the two of them clung to each other. Bones felt his shirt soak with hot tears and let go of her. Bones slowly wiped the tears from Joanna's cheek.

'Hi, Darlin'... I missed you.' Bones' voice wavered slightly. He quickly pulled himself together after that.

'Hey, Daddy... I missed you too!' Bones smiled and kissed her forehead. 

'It's good to see you. How have you been?' Bones stood up and took in the sight of his daughter. She had changed so much over the months. 

'I'm good, Daddy. I have learnt a lot in school! I made this super nice friend a while ago. Her name is Jackie. She wants to be a doctor like you.'

'Jackie sounds like a nice girl. I would love to meet her some time.' 

'Yeah, her mom is super nice. She always makes us these great cookies. Mom said you know her. Her name was...Denise? I call her Mrs Halen, of course.' 

Bones looked up in surprise. His past was really unavoidable like that. He hadn't seen Denise, his first kiss and childhood friend, in years. They had lost track of each other when both of them had gone to different universities. 

'Oh really? Yes, she used to be my friend....when we were about your age.'

'Wow...that's long ago. Hi uncle Jim!' Joanna let go of Bones and hurried over to hug Jim. Bones smiled at his daughter and lover; he was glad that they could get along so well. And the smile on Jim's face was breath taking. 

'Hi Jo! I missed you. Haven't you grown?' Joanna beamed and joined her father's side again. Bones was on cloud nine.

'Let's get something to eat?' Jim suggested. The two of them had decided to immediately tell Joanna about their new relationship, since they didn't see a point in hiding it. They were going to tell her during dinner.

'Yes, I am starving.' Joanna excitedly talking about home and Jackie. Jim and Bones' eyes met as they started walking towards the mess hall.

The night before Bones had commed Jocelyn. He had told her that he and Jim were together now. She had been genuinely happy for them. There hadn't been any bitterness or fights. 

The two of them had talked for hours, and had addressed all the issues that had needed to be talked about. It hadn't been the easiest conversation, but it had been long overdue. 

Bones could finally finish that chapter of his life. Now he wouldn't look back on this with bitter thoughts. No, both of their actions hadn't been excused. Both of them had made mistakes and caused the divorce. But that was in the past, and they would focus on the future.

The three of them reached the mess hall and found a vacant table. Bones and Jo sat down while Jim got some food for all of them.

'Joanna, darlin'. I have to tell you something.' This piqued Joanna's interest and she watched him with curious eyes.

'What is it, Dad?' 

'Uncle Jim and I... we love each other very much...and we are together now.' Joanna frowned for a moment; she was obviously processing the statement.

'That's great! I love Jim. He's part of our family now!' Joanna hugged her father, and Bones couldn't help but feel relieved. He had known that Joanna would be fine with it, but he'd been a little nervous.

'So...he's your husband now?' Joanna asked. That question startled Bones; he hadn't even thought about marrying Jim. They weren't together long enough to even think about that. It still was too soon.

'No, but he is my...boyfriend.'

'Don't you want to marry him then?' Joanna apparently genuinely didn't understand why Bones and Jim weren't married. Bones thought it was rather adorable.

'Yes, of course I want to marry him someday.'

'Why don't you marry him then? I don't understand?' 

'Because we aren't re-' Bones was cut off in mid sentence by Jim interrupting him.

'Here is the food! What are you guys so suspiciously talking about?' Jim flopped down on the remaining chair and started to eat eagerly.

'Why aren't you guys married?' Jim choked on the chips he had been consuming. 

'...Uh...Bones! Why don't you explain that to her!' Bones glared at Jim. Of course, he would shove this off on him. Jim shrugged apologetically and didn't meet his eyes. Joanna certainly could make things slightly awkward. Nine years olds could do that. Bones sighed deeply.

'Thanks Jim. Joanna...we aren't married...because we just became boyfriends. It's normal to wait a while before you do that. Nowadays people rarely marry each other though.'

Joanna nodded; she finally seemed to understand.

'Okay. That's good. But Uncle Jim...if you upset my Dad. I will have to kick your butt.' Instead of laughing at this; Jim seriously nodded and answered.

'I promise not to hurt him, Joanna.' 

Bones couldn't help but lean over and chastely kiss Jim on the lips. 

This was going to be fun.

***

'Jim, are you sure?' Jim nodded curtly. Jim and Bones were sitting in the their quarters; the two of them were waiting for their friends to show up. They were meeting them in about five minutes. 

Two days ago Jim had all of the sudden decided that he wanted to tell the "group" about his true identity and past on Tarsus IV. At first Bones had protested; he thought it was a very bad idea, but Jim was stubborn. Jim had insisted that it would be only fair to Bones if people also knew about Jim. He also claimed that it was time for him to tell his friends, because he trusted and cared them. 

Bones had been moved by this; and after a while he'd finally given in on Jim. He could only support him.

Jim had decided that this evening would be the perfect night. They had asked Janice and Christine to "babysit" Joanna for a couple of hours; they had happily agreed. So that was taken care of. 

'I'm absolutely certain, Bones.' Jim's confident voice interrupted his thoughts. Bones wondered what the others would say. 

'You shouldn't just do it for me.' Bones couldn't handle the thought of Jim doing this just for him. No one should tell one of their deepest and most guarded secrets just for the sake of your lover. Even though Jim had already tried to convince him that he was also doing it for himself; Bones still felt "wrong" for letting Jim do this. 

'I'm doing it for myself, too.' Jim's hands were slightly shaking, Bones noticed. His lover was acting all cheeky and self-confident, but Bones could see the guy was scared. No matter what Bones would try; Jim would go through with this whether he was terrified or not.

Bones intertwined their hands. Recently he had found out that he loved holding hands with Jim. He lightly squeezed Jim's hand to let his lover know that he was there for him. 

'I love you, Jim. I won't be mad if you don't want to go through with it.' 

'Bones, I love you too. But I want to go through with it. I trust my friends and I'm sick of hiding this. I have hid it for years and now I have the perfect opportunity.' Jim was sincere; he meant it. That reassured Bones a little. Not enough to be careless, but it lessened the knot of nerves that had been building up in his stomach ever since Jim had told him about his plan.

'Okay-' Bones was cut off by the chime of the door; Jim opened the door.

Apparently, their friends liked to be right on time.

Uhura, Spock, and Scotty were awkwardly standing in the entrance. None of them knew why they were called here. Jim had informed them that he had to tell them something "really-freaking-important". 

'Hi, Jim, Leonard.' Uhura, and the others greeted the two men. Jim gestured them to sit down and said, 'Hi, we're just waiting for Hikaru, and Pavel to show up.'

An awkward silence fell upon them; Bones wished that the two remaining others would show up soon. He could only handle so much discomfort.

The bell chimed again shortly after they sat down; Bones thanked all things that were holy, and Jim let Sulu and Chekov enter the room. Bones thought it was for the best if he supported Jim no matter what.

'Hi, sorry that we are a bit tardy. The next shift was delayed... a turbolift had broken down, but everything is fine now.' Sulu explain; there was an apologizing smile on his face. 

'It's fine. Sit down, please.' 

It was a tight fit, but everyone managed to squeeze together. Chekov had opted to sit on the floor, and Scotty was sitting on the table. Jim was clutching Bones' hand tightly. The grip was a bit too strong for Bones' liking, but he wasn't going to complain about it. Jim was evidently trying to remain calm on the outside, even though he was freaking out on the inside.

'...Erm. You must be wondering... why I asked all of you to come here tonight.'

'Are the two of you finally getting married?' Sulu asked. There was a look of excitement and happiness on his face. The others nodded; ostensibly they we suspecting the same.

Bones choked on air.

Jim didn't do so well either; the man spluttered 'No! I mean, no we're not getting married. We've been together for a couple of weeks. We haven't even talked about that yet.' 

'Why do people keep thinking that?' Bones wondered out loud.

Would Jim want to marry him? His lover had told him countless times that they would never leave each other, but would Jim really want to marry him. Both of them flushed, and Bones was suddenly fascinated by the floor. They would have to talk about this in the future.

'Uuh... Well... I wasn't going to talk about that.' Jim cleared his throat and continued 'I'm about to tell you something that's private. Something from my past, and I feel like I should share it with you... Since you're my friends and colleagues and I trust you...' 

'All of you saw the flashbacks... of Bones' past,' everyone nodded in agreement. They were obviously unsure where this was going 'I was in some of them.' 

'I was in the Tarsus IV memory, too.' Jim confessed. Silence filled the room.

'W..What?' Uhura asked, but apparently the realisation dawned to her, and she started shaking her head furiously.

'I was the blond boy... Jamie.'

No one said anything for a long time. Bones inched closer to Jim to let him know that he was there. Scotty and Sulu looked as white as a sheet, Uhura and Chekov looked like they were about to get sick, and Spock was frowning.

'Oh god.' Uhura muttered. Everyone needed a moment to process this thought.

Uhura got up from her seat and embraced Jim. Bones knew that Jim would appreciate the contact. He needed someone other than Bones to show him that everything was ok. 

After a minute or so, Uhura let go of Jim and kissed him on the cheek. Her eyes were a little red, and Jim was somewhat teary eyed as well.

'D-Did you know?' Hikaru asked Bones silently; his voice was barely audible.

'Not until...the memory incident.'

'Oh...Wow.' Pavel muttered, he was obviously taken aback by this revelation. 

'I'm so sorry...I just... don't know what to say.' Scotty looked like he was really going to throw up. Bones hoped he wouldn't do so, since that would only lead to a big mess. 

'How come you didn't know?...You were there together, right?' Hikaru asked; his voice was tiny. Oh so tiny. Bones had never heard him sound like this. Truth to be told, he didn't like the sound of Sulu in this state at all. 

'It's ok, guys. We're ok... Long story short: We thought the other died...and because we used pseudo names we were never able to find out the other's identity.' Jim explained.

'We were idiots for never realising it.' Bones commented, and some of the others chuckled. To say this situation was weird; that would be an understatement.

'Yeah...we were.' Their eyes met and they smiled at each other. Bones pecked Jim on the lips. He really loved him.

'Thank you for sharing this with us, Jim. I think I speak for the entire group; when I say that we are honoured by your honesty. We respect your privacy and will not share this with anyone. I...feel sorry that you and Bones had to endure this horrific experience.'

'Thank you, Spock.' Jim and Bones said in unison. 

'Ok. I got this out. Who wants to watch a movie?' They could talk about it for hours, they ought to actually. But for now this was sufficient, perhaps, one day they would discuss everything that had happened on Tarsus.

Not now, though.

***

Bones and Joanna were sitting in their private quarters Both of them were reading a book; in the background some classics of the twentieth century were playing. Jim was on shift this evening, so the two of them were together. 

It was the night before Joanna had to leave, and neither of them were sure what to do about this. They wanted to do something fun, but both of them were sad that they had to part the next day.

'I approve of him.' Joanna broke the silence.

'Huh...what?' Bones closed his book and turned to his daughter.

'I like Uncle Jim...as your boyfriend. You love each other.'

'I'm glad that you like him.' A familiar tune started to play, and Bones ordered the volume to go up. It was an old classic song from the twentieth century; the singer was called Elvis, and he had been a huge success back in that day. 

Bones' guilty pleasure was old music. He always listened to older songs, but in Bones' opinion the late twenty-first and the twentieth century had the best music.

Suddenly, Bones had a perfect idea.

'Wise men say...only fools rush in,' 

Bones got up from his seat and walked over to his daughter. 

'Can I have this dance, milady?' Joanna beamed at her father and took his hand. The two of them to slow danced to the tune. Bones held his daughter close to him as they moved together.

'But I can't help falling in love with you,'  
'Shall I stay?'  
'Would it be a sin?  
'If I can't help falling in love with you.'

They would miss each other. They always got along so well, but it had to be like this. In the end everything would be fine.

'Like a river flows surely to the sea,'  
'Darling so it goes,' 

If there was a moment that Bones wanted to repeat forever; it would be this moment. This moment was perfect; it was peaceful and sweet. Even though both of them were rather sad. This moment was magical. All of their sorrows went away; it was only them.

'Some things are meant to be,'  
'Take my hand, take my whole life too,'  
'For I can't help falling in love with you.'

The two of them moved slowly on the peaceful rhythm of the song. Joanna was sniffing; and Bones was slightly teary eyed himself. 

__

'Like a rover flows surely to the sea,'  
'Darling so it goes,'  
'Some things are meant to be,'  
'Take my hand, take my whole life too,'  
'For I can't help falling in love with you,'  
'For I can't help falling in love with you.'

The song ended; another song started playing, but neither of them paid attention to it.

'You're a great dancer, Jo.' Bones smiled at his daughter. He never regretted having Joanna, even though things hadn't worked out with Jocelyn. She was the most beautiful and sweet person Bones knew; and Bones wished he could be more around her as she grew up. 

'You are...really gorgeous.'

'Thanks, Daddy. You're the best dad in the entire galaxy!'

***

These two weeks had gone by incredibly fast. Too fast. Joanna, Jim, and Bones were standing in the transporter room. Joanna had to leave again, and they were bidding their goodbyes. 

'I-I will m-miss you, Daddy. Why can't I stay with you?' Bones stared at his little girl; she always asked him this question. It was always difficult to answer it.

'Darlin'...you know why. In a couple of years when the mission is over; you can come and live with me. I will miss you too.' Bones kissed the top of Joanna's head; tears stung in his eyes, but he didn't allow himself to cry. Never in front of anyone.

'I don't want to leave you, please come home with me.' This broke Bones' heart. He wanted to go back with her, but that had been the deal with Jocelyn and Bones couldn't leave Jim. All of this was very conflicting. 

Tears rolled down Joanna's cheeks; goodbyes were always the hardest. Bones wondered when he would be able to see his little girl again. Would it take another thirteen months? Or would it be sooner? 

It would probably be longer, because the Enterprise was about to enter uncharted territory, and would go on from that point. It was scary, but even Bones had to admit that he was kind of thrilled. Of course, he would never tell anyone about that. He had a reputation to uphold. 

'...You know I can't come with you...I love you, Joanna... We will see each other soon. I promise.' Suddenly Joanna's mood changed and she started smiling.

Joanna turned to Jim, embraced him, and kissed him on his cheek.

'Bye Uncle Jim, be good to Daddy.' She told him with a mock-stern voice.

'Of course, Jo. I will see you again.'

The girl turned to her father once again and hugged him for a couple of minutes. Bones would miss her so much; he would miss her everything. She was everything he loved in this world, and it broke him to let his daughter go again. 

Yes, of course they could occasionally comm each other, but it wouldn't be the same. Sadly, this was how their life was for the next couple of years. But the future was bright.

'I love you, Dad.'

'I love you, Jo.' 

'Energise, Mr Scott,' Jim ordered. Bones watched his daughter disappear; this was the last time he would see her in person for a very long time. 

And then Joanna was successfully transported back to the space station.


	12. Chapter 12

Bones was working on some medical reports in his quarters. He couldn't get himself to concentrate on the reports. His mind kept going back to Joanna and everything that had happened the past months. About three months ago, Bones had been Jim's best friend; neither of them had known the truth about the other. Both had been hiding their true feelings. All of that felt like ages ago; so much had changed in such little time.

Some things had changed for the better and some for the worse. Bones wished that the entire "memory incident" hadn't taken place, but he'd never have found Jamie. No, Jim. It was still confusing to refer to Jamie as Jim. Old habits die hard. Perhaps, if the incident hadn't happened; they still would have been hiding from each other.

Of course, there were still things that needed to be dealt with; he and Jim needed to have a proper sit down and they had to talk. Just talk about everything. Tell each other their best and worst moments of their life. Bones trusted Jim with this knowledge, but he'd been putting it off, because it was scary hell to let someone in for that.

Bones was ready for that.

The memory of Joanna, Jim, and himself sitting at breakfast earlier that morning. Joanna had been going on about them marrying and having babies. This seemed to be a recurring topic lately. Joanna apparently really wanted a little sister or brother. She had gone on about it until Jim had been a spluttering mess. The look on his face had been hilarious.

It had been several hours since Joanna had left, and the man already missed his little girl with his entire being. It would be at least another year until he'd able to see her again. Bones' heart ached. 

Time had gone by too fast when she's been here. The visit had lasted two weeks, but looking back it had felt like just a couple of minutes.

The bell chimed and Jim entered the room thereby also startling Bones out of his thoughts.

'Hey.' Jim said, his expression sobered as he saw Bones' face. 

Bones put down his PADD and walked over to Jim. 

'Hi.' Bones croaked out, there was a big lump in his throat. Jim immediately embraced Bones; he wrapped his arms tightly around the other man. Jim's body was a safe place; it was secure and strong. Jim could protect him for now; he could be strong for both of them at the moment.

Bones felt himself fully relax into Jim; he understood Bones completely. Jim knew what he was feeling and didn't ask any questions. But if he'd grilled his lover for questions Bones wouldn't have been able to answers any of them anyway. Bones couldn't hold back the tears from falling; he'd tried to stop them from spilling, but it was to no avail.

Slowly Jim's uniform was becoming soaked by hot tears. Bones couldn't get himself to care about the fact that he was actually crying in front of Jim. 

This was the first time that Bones cried in front of anyone ever since he'd returned from Tarsus IV. Bones realised that he trusted Jim enough to show him his vulnerable side. Jim would be here for him and wouldn't leave Bones all alone.

Jim held him close, letting Bones cry on his shoulder. Gradually the crying turned into downright sobbing. After years of holding back; only letting himself cry in the shadows. Bones finally let it all out, he let go of all the pain and suffering. 

The loss of his father, finding the corpse of Sammy on the floor, Jocelyn betraying him, and the McCoy family abandoning him. He had known enough loss, but it was okay. Jim was there to hold him close.

'Shh. It's okay.' Jim started whispering soothing words in Bones' ear and rubbed small circles on his back.

Jim was the most important person in Bones' life; Jim was one of the reasons he kept going. Bones had learnt to carry on with his life for himself. 

'I'm not leaving you.'

Jim wouldn't abandon him; he accepted him for who he was. Jim loved him for his imperfections, his past, and his pain. 

'Never.'

Bones couldn't stop crying. He didn't see reason to fight it. He had known that at one point in his life, he would break down. This was the moment.

After what could have been hours, Bones' crying subdued, and he let go of the embrace. He knew his eyes were red and puffy, and that his face must look awful, but Jim was still looking at him like he was the most beautiful person in the world. Oh so flawed and imperfect.

'I love you.' Bones whispered with a tiny voice. 

'I love you too.' Jim smiled sweetly at him, Bones noted that Jim's eyes were also slightly red, and pressed a kiss on Bones' forehead.

Bones kissed Jim, it was a lot like their "official" first kiss. There wasn't any rush; there was only love. Once Jim pulled back out of the kiss; he broke the short silence.

'It will be okay. I'm here.' 

'I will never leave you, Jim.'

'Good. Now, I want to see that beautiful smile again on your face.' Bones rolled his eyes, but he smiled nonetheless. 

Jim laughed, 'See. That suits you better.'

'You're an idiot, Jim.' 

Bones thought back to all the events of the last couple of months. He wondered how he ended up here, how he had managed to get here. 

Being in a relationship with Jim had made Bones happier than he'd ever been before. 

Bones' life would never be perfect again; after all that had happened in his life. He accepted that. He'd come to terms with that realisation a long time ago. But he'd never known that Jim would be here by his side to make everything better. 

The amazing James Tiberius Kirk, the man who used to be known to Bones as Jamie. Best friend, lover, and former childhood hero sidekick. Bones loved him with his entire being. Jim would brighten his day; he had something to look forward to. 

In the end all the pain and suffering still mattered. It didn't magically disappear like in some romantic-comedy or holo-vid, but the wounds would heal. 

Scars would remain, but he would learn to live with them. Bones would carry on with his life like he'd always done. He would never give up on his life, and Jim would never let him.

Bones would never give up on Jim either, his lover also had his fair share of problems. They made quite a pair together; both damaged by the world around them, but it would always be them against the world. 

They could face anything if they were side by side. 

Perhaps, at some point things would be okay again.

 

** The End **


	13. Epilogue

_  
'Len, look at me!' Jamie yelled, there was a beaming smile on his face. The eight year old boy was covered in leaves and mud. He had decided that he wanted to dress up as those people from so long ago. Neanderthals, yes, that's what they were called, if Jamie recalled correctly._

_Len rolled his eyes exasperatedly at Jamie's antics. Although, there was a small smile on his face. Jamie's actions always amused Len, the kid could be so careless. Len loved those moments the best._

_It was a nice day outside, the suns were shining and there were, in fact, birds flying around. For some reason, it wasn't a warzone this day, it was nice and friendly. Nothing bad had happened so far. Everyone's spirit was high, maybe this was a good omen for the future._

_'Jamie, you're ridiculous.' Sammy said, the boy was lying on a small patch of grass._

_Jamie suddenly advanced upon Len and tackled him. Len fell in the dirt with a loud thud, and he grumbled loudly. This was what Jamie always did when they were messing around._

_Jamie rushed away, so Len couldn't take revenge on him. One day, Len would get back to Jamie. He would organise the best prank ever. And Jamie would be mind blown. Len brushed the dirt away and got up from the ground._

_Before Len realised what was happening, Jamie and Sammy were wrestling with each other. For a moment Len was worried that the brothers were actually fighting, it wasn't the first time that had happened. Then he noticed the smiles on the boys' faces, they were laughing._

_'Sammy, I'll totally beat you.' The two boys were circling around each other_

_'Jamie, I'm way taller than you are.' Jamie tsk'ed at that and tried to tackle his brother again._

_Len wanted to kick their butts for making him worry, but he would never ruin these moments for them. They were rare._

_Len ran towards them, and with a swift motion he successfully tackled both of them. Both of the boys stared at Len with astonishment. Len cheekily smiled at the them._

_'I hate the two of you, and you will never beat me. I'm the master of tackling and wrestling. So, deal with it!' Len thought that the two boys would now attempt to get back to him, but they didn't._

_'Aww, Len we love you.'_

_Both Jamie and Sammy hugged Len as tightly as they could. Len couldn't help but smile and return the embrace._

_The fact that thousands of people had passed away, they were in the middle of a warzone, and they had to take care of each other in order to survive. It didn't matter at the moment._

_On this day, they actually got to be children for once.  
_

**Really The End**


End file.
